A new path - the right path for me
The dynamics of the group were interesting. There seemed to be no set leader. Myself being one who tends to take the lead when there is no obvious leader, found that there was one other person in the group who, like myself, tended to take the lead when it was their time to speak. There was also general disagreement on the topic. The topic was spirit guides. Each person had their own idea of what a spirit guide was based upon their experience but no there was no general consensus one what a guide was. Me and two others in the group all had very different ideas on what one was. I kept my opinion to myself for the most part and spent much of the meeting observing the dynamics of the group and the personalities involved.
During the meeting I felt calm except toward the end. At that time I felt an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is not a new feeling for me. I have felt such anxiety around groups of people my whole life. I never quite considered why that was until last night. When I felt the anxious feeling last night I knew it was because there was spirit trying to contact and communicate with me. Being no one had specifically asked me to do a reading for them, I blocked the requests to communicate from spirit. They did not want me to block them and so the feeling in the pit of my stomach resulted. I just ignored it and moved on. Spirit cannot make me do anything I don't want to do.
I know that my energy was being probed by one other person at the meeting. I could see her watching me very closely and felt uneasy about it. I don't like it when a person tries to read me without my permission. It definitely didn't help the anxious feeling I had either. I wish that if a person wants to know about me that they would just ask. However, those who have the ability to read and interpret other people's energies often times will just read it without asking. Most people who are read in this way never notice it. But I do.
I also read other people's energy. I do it all the time. I have rarely encountered anyone who notices I do this but have had someone call me on it. At the time I did not realize I was doing it - it was habit - but I started to control how often I do it because I recognized it as rude. However, when someone tries to read me my instant reaction is to read them in return. If they don't know I am doing it or don't know how to block, then I get a lot of info in a very short period of time.
In this case, the woman who was trying to read me was wide open. She probably didn't know she was even doing it. I allowed her to get some info. For example, it is okay with me if someone looks to see if I am genuine in my abilities. I also will allow people to know my general disposition, which is that I am good and mean no harm. I don't want anyone feeling that I am a direct threat, but unfortunately, amongst people who are using their abilities to give readings and make money from their abilities, I would be viewed as a threat no matter what because I could potentially take their clients and/or undermine their authority in that area. I have no intention of doing this, but that doesn't matter. If they believe there is a threat then there will be, no matter what I have to say about it.
My overall impression of this woman who was reading me is that she is at a level in her development where she will be very cautious of others with gifts. She will likely take offense if someone has experiences that differ from her own because they are not validating her experiences but instead making her doubt hers. She has yet to learn that her experiences are her own and don't need validation from others. However, as humans we tend to seek out validation to make ourselves feel more sure of ourselves.
I also noticed that the woman was very nervous acting and seemed very concerned about whether or not she was in control. So in the case of the group, she sought to have control of the conversations as much as possible. I allowed her to have control as I know how it is to want to be in control and to seek validation, as I have and often still do this. I am aware that I do it, however, so I work hard to try not to step on anyone's toes. I am certain of my own ability and therefore do not need to be validated by others, though it is nice to know I am not alone in my experiences.
I am not sure if I will attend another meeting or not. I may but I need to set forth an agenda and rules for myself so that I can get the most out of the meetings and relationships that potentially exist there. I actually feel drawn to the woman who was probing my energy. I feel I can help her and that perhaps she can help me. She already has helped me by probing my energy. Had she not sought out info about me, I would never have noticed that I can recognize when someone is probing my energy. The whole experience helped me recognize that I have come a long, long way since I first started on my spiritual journey and that I am a much more balanced and centered person than I was before and during the transition period. It made me very proud of my accomplishments and more certain that I am on the right path.
On my way home from the meeting I was going over the nights events and my experiences and realized that I still have some developmental work to do on myself. I don't believe a group of spiritual seekers will be key to helping me on this new path. In fact, the development of my gifts has stalled out using my past methods of meditating and practicing things such as astral travel, lucid dreaming, tarot and using other typical spiritual tools. I, personally, have gone as far as those tools will take me, and to continue believing those tools will take me farther will only leave me feeling empty and unsatisfied.
So the first question that came to my mind was: What then is my next step? I had the answer before the question was even asked of my guides. I need to clear out the clutter I carry with me - the worry, fears and unexplainable tendencies to do things that it seems I have no control over. I know how to clear those things and have done well so far in clearing some of them already. I did this not by meditation or consulting my guides. I have not done that in year. I have done it through auditing. So I need to continue auditing. Only through looking at and inspecting previously unknown aspects of myself (auditing) will I truly be able to move forward. In doing this I will be able to master my spiritual gifts in ways that meditation and other spiritual tools would never allow me to.
Auditing is scary. It is not for the feeble or faint of heart. You have to be courageous. You have to be firm in your decision because once you start the path you will be unable to stop treading upon it. It is addictive and mind-blowing. The more able you become at it the more able and sure you are of each step you take. I have already started the path and so I must continue upon it. It will set me apart from others on the traditional spiritual path and may even create enemies out of those who I feel I can trust because what I will be doing is threatening to them, though they won't really understand why. I will know why, though. It is threatening to them because they will know it is also a path they need to be one but their fear will stop them each and every time and they will allow that fear to control them and out of that fear comes jealousy, resentment and hatred. I know this because I have experienced it and I have confronted it many times upon the path. It slows me down still to this day but I keep feeling pulled to confront my fears and so I will ultimately do it. And in the end I will be all the better for it.
I am not writing this entry in my blog to convince people who read it to go to their nearest Church of Scientology and sign up for auditing. I am writing it to share my experiences. If it leads someone to decide to try auditing, great! If it doesn't, that is okay, too. However, after four years of struggling to decide if auditing is right for me, I have come to the conclusion that it is the only way for me that will satisfy my strong desire to know - to know about myself, other people, the universe....everything I have ever wanted to know. For that knowledge is truly within me. It only makes sense that the way to find that knowledge is to dig down deep within and find it. No book is going to do it for me. No other person is capable of doing it for me. I have to do it.
This is what Steven has been telling me about all a long. He has often said to me "You already know" and "Look". He has led me to seek the answers within. He has helped me to understand and follow the feelings I have. Those feelings have led me away from traditional spiritual practices, books and people, and have led me into the arms of my best friend and husband and a truly understanding and wonderful world of people who don't criticize me for being who I am and who have higher vibrations of energy than any people I have ever met. I would be stupid to pass up this opportunity. I would never gain the certainty I wish to have and would turn my back on knowledge. How stupid that would be.
Strangely enough, I almost did not go to the meeting last night. I am now glad I did.
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