Mortality

Some strange things have been happening lately. I know I am a little stressed but I can't blame that for everything that has been going on.

For months now I have been thinking of death and dying. I'm not wishing I were dead or anything and I'm not depressed, it has just been on my mind. First it started out with me thinking about it when watching TV shows like I Survived Beyond and Back. It is weird, but I have been very drawn to watching that show. When I watch it I think about how wonderful it is on the Other Side and I miss it. It almost always tears me up. Then, I started feeling this surreality about life almost like I am not really alive but dreaming and am going to wake up any minute. This feeling comes and goes but has been strangely strong the last few weeks. Then I get memories of things Steven has told me in the past. I usually put some things on "the shelf" and don't bother worrying about them at the time I am told about them. I keep thinking of when he asked me, "What would you do differently if you knew you only had ten more years to live?" It bugged me when I first heard it and it is bugging me now. Lately, I have been having visions of my daughter when she is older, around her late teens or early twenties. She took a shower with me the other day and I couldn't stop staring at her little cherub-like face. She was just shining and I was caught up in the moment, just "being" there and enjoying her presence and I got a flash of her all grown up and so beautiful and smart. It made me very proud but it also had me wondering: Why such a vision? 

 These things in themselves are nothing to worry about normally. They are just normal for me and I have dealt with much worse thoughts of death, more so directed at myself and wanting to return home to the Other Side. I don't do this anymore. I don't need to. I am happy. However, combined with some of the other things going on with me, I am starting to worry. 

I started training for a half-marathon right around Christmas. I just felt the need to prove to myself that I could do it. I run every other day, usually 4-5 miles each time with a long run each week. I was doing just fine until I stated noticing my heart rate was really high when I ran up this certain hill. I almost blacked out on more than one occasion and had to stop running and look up and out to get it under control. It was scary. My heart was pounding very, very fast. It happened more after that. I also started to experience what I can only call panic attacks, though non of them have gone out of control. I find myself driving and thinking of potential wrecks or "what-if's" and I start to panic and feel like I am going to pass out. I have to calm myself down and I do, I always do, it is just scary and I don't like having to do it. When I went on a run that was just under 13 miles I had heart speed-ups and trouble breathing on more than one occasion and had near panic attacks while running. I struggled to keep myself under control, but I did, and I made it home successfully. I decided to drink more water and the panic attacks and feelings of light headedness went away for a week. I was grateful.

Then just last night and today two very strange things happened.

Last night I was watching TV. A kids show, all mushy and such. There was a time when the Dad was looking at an old photo of him, his daughter and his wife who was dead. As I watched I got choked up and thought, "That will be me" and got hit with such a pang in my chest and a sorrow in my heart along with a huge rush of spirit energy that I knew there was truth to my thought.

I went for a 13.78 mile run today with my husband. I had no heart flutters and panic attacks while running. I had just realized this when I got a thought that was not mine and in an instant I knew that when the moment comes when I die or pass out or something bad is going to happen to me that I will be told moments before-hand. It was a brief thought but it hit home but I was running up a huge hill and so soon forgot about it. Now thinking about it, in the past when I have had car accidents I have always been told beforehand, in one case I was told many days before.

With all that is going on, these things happening really have me questioning what the heck is going on. I almost sat down and wrote a long good-bye note to my family last night after the first freak-out!

Steven told me the other night, "You are stressed" and I am. I have a lot going on and have been worrying more than normal. When I ask if I am going to die soon I get "No" and I believe it, but it still bothers me to have these feelings and to wonder "what-if". I think it is good for me in the sense that maybe it will prompt me to do things that I have been putting off and to have more beautiful moments just "being" with my children and my husband. I am not afraid of death but I don't want to leave those I love behind. I don't want to miss sharing the experience of my children growing up and growing old with my husband. If anything, these feelings and strange happenings are helping me realize just how much I want to live; how much I love life and how much I want to accomplish still. So maybe, it is a gift?