Evaluating the Past
I was devastated. In my ten years of giving mediumship readings I have only rarely been wrong (maybe 5% of the time) and only occasionally not been able to connect to Spirit (this has happened 3 times total). To have three out of four mediumship readings be completely off with not one fact or tidbit of information making sense to the sitter was unheard of. It made me wonder, Am I losing my ability?
After that, I began to question myself and my abilities, in fact I am still questioning. What is wrong with me?
Yesterday, I pulled out my old psychic journal, the one I started writing a few months after the beginning of my awakening and did not stop writing in until right after meeting my husband. I hoped to find in it some reassurance, some peace of mind. My reaction to what I read in those pages was quite different from what I expected.
Overall, my impression of myself during that time in my life is that I was foolish, selfish and stupid. Harsh words, I know, but after reading through different areas of my journal I realized just how much Ego was involved in my spiritual development. I spent the majority of the years after my spiritual awakening battling myself. My constant conversations with my guide were particularly of interest to me, especially when I started writing them out in my journal. Some of them seem to be very deep, channeled sessions with copious amounts of information, while others are hollow and most obviously me talking to an Ego driven part of myself who covered up the words of her guides to suit her needs. I am grateful that I was sane enough to recognize and put a stop to my Ego's destructiveness. It is apparent that by the end of my journal I had successfully beaten my Ego back down into it's rightful place.
Recognizing how naive I had been throughout those years led me to question myself, as I often do. Was what I experienced real? Are my spiritual gifts real, or am I simply still fooling myself?
All throughout this time I am not getting much feedback from Steven. He is quiet but ever present. I recognize that he cannot help me. I understand and sigh quietly to myself. He does reassure me that I have not lost my ability, that what I experienced in the past was in fact real. I try to believe him....but I doubt.
Then last night, exhausted beyond what is normal for me and convinced that I must be coming down with something, I tried to fall asleep but my mind was wide awake. As I laid there observing my over active mind, I fell into a memory I had long forgotten. This memory was from when I was 19yrs old and engage to my first husband. It was a memory that just opened up as if I were right there, in that moment, in that time and place, living it again.
I was entering an apartment with my boss. I can't remember his name, but I know why I am with him. He has convinced me to come to his apartment to persuade me to leave my fiance and be with him. He is intent on winning me over and I am curious; he intrigues me. Besides, I know I am not going to be married to my fiance "forever". When I look at my boss I wonder, is this the One?
The situation with my boss and my naivety are not what is important here, though, they are just a sidetrack; a sad point in my life where I made a mistake. What is important here is the part that I always overlooked when I remembered this particular incident in my life: the apartment. It was haunted. In the past, my justifications for being at this apartment with my boss had always gotten in the way, so much so that I had completely forgotten the conversation I had with this man and the feeling I got from the apartment.
The feeling in the apartment was heavy. The air felt thick. The windows were heavily draped with black tapestries with Satanic-looking pictures on them, specifically a star with a circle around it. I remember asking about them and my boss told me they belonged to his roommate. He explained to me that he thought the apartment was haunted and that he and his roommate were working on getting it cleared out. He also said he thought that some women had put a spell on both of them.
He said he felt activity in his room and wanted to show me and see if I sensed anything. We went into his bedroom and the feeling of uneasiness I had upon first entering the apartment intensified. I can still see the room in my mind. It was barren except for a mattress that was laying on the floor and a curtain on the window. I remember the closet very clearly. It was one of those wooden, sliding closets. It was halfway open and it sparked a memory of my childhood closet which looked very similar. I had always been afraid of my closet because I thought it had ghosts in it. I left the room as quickly as I could. I did not like it in there.
In reliving this moment I recognized that I had been in the midst of a very negative situation. Not only was I being tempted by this man (and I did not fall victim to his advances by the way) but he took me to a place that was full of negative energies, maybe even entities. In addition, I felt the energies, intuitively knew they were bad and instinctively protected myself from them.
I got my answer. What I experienced was indeed real. I am indeed spiritually gifted. Whether I consciously know or accept it, it is part of me.
Yet I am still doubting. I am so hard-headed. Things literally have to jump up and bite me for me to recognize them. I still feel stupid for how I use to be. I have always disliked the me of my past, but now I even dislike the me of my not-so-distant past.
Note: When I finished writing this blog entry I felt I needed to include a picture. I thought to myself, What pictures should I put? Before the thought left my mind I knew - the Hanged Man. I found a picture and posted it but I wondered why I thought of the Hanged Man. So I looked up it's meaning.
Basic Tarot Story
The Fool settles beneath a tree, intent on finding his spiritual self. There he stays for nine days, without eating, barely moving. People pass by him, animals, clouds, the wind, the rain, the stars, sun and moon. On the ninth day, with no conscious thought of why, he climbs the tree and dangles from a branch upside down like a child. For a moment, he surrenders all that he is, wants, knows or cares about. Coins fall from his pockets and as he gazes down on them - seeing them not as money but only as round bits of metal.
It seems to him that his perspective of the world has completely changed, as if his inverted position has allowed him to dangle between the mundane world and the spiritual world, able to see both. It is a dazzling moment, dreamlike yet crystal clear.
Timeless as this moment of clarity seems, he realizes that it will not last. Very soon, he must right himself, but when he does, things will be different. He will have to act on what he's learned. For now, however, he just hangs, weightless as if underwater, observing, absorbing, seeing.
The last two paragraphs brought tears to my eyes. Not because I was saddened by them but because they are so true of me and my life right now; my life in between.
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