Almost There
House Saga
The house buying/selling saga continues but there is an end in sight. The home we are selling has run into quite a few snags along the way. The most current one is that the lender wants us to get a road maintenance agreement. Problem is, the road was owned by my grandmother, who you know is now deceased. This creates more of a snag because they want a copy of her death certificate and will and then also want a form filled out by people not involved in the land/home situation. Right now it looks as if this paperwork will delay the closing but we are not sure yet. We still have a week from today. Hopefully it all goes through as planned.
The future owners of our home are stressing, though. They need to be out of their lease by the end of the month and have no where to move to because we will still be in their new home. And, honestly, they should have thought about that. My husband spoke to them, though, and it may work out okay. They are willing to wait for us to move out and in the meantime they may be able to stay at one of my grandmother's homes.
Our house did appraise as did the one we are buying! The house we are buying has not hit any snags. All has been smooth and seems to be continuing that way. The current owners will be out by next Thursday so we can move in then if we like. Next weekend is going to busy because it looks like we will be moving quickly. We actually should start the serious packing this weekend. Eeek!
Work
There has been a bit of a twist at my job, however. Not that I didn't expect that. My boss' boss came for a visit on Tuesday and called me in to "talk". He told me my current position would not be around next year (which I knew). He then offered me a new position that comes with a $6k/year raise. He told me this position could be done from the town where I am moving as well. However, the position require three times the work and responsibility and he could not tell me much about it because they have yet to have a position like it. Basically, I would be doing what I am now without some of the heavy paperwork burden but I would be taking on two more locations as well. That is three different job locations I would be responsible for.
I spoke with my interim boss about it and she told me how she thought the job would look like. Basically, the job would require that I spend most of my time at my desk doing paperwork and handling calls from the three location directors. She then told me that she sensed that my focus was more on family than anything and drew a diagram to illustrate her thoughts. By the time our conversation ended she helped me recognize that the job was probably not for me.
As I sit here today on the last day to make my decision I still hesitate because of the loss of income that will come with not taking this opportunity. I worry that if I do not take it, later I will regret it. I am not stressing over it, though. There is a part of me that knows if I decide I want to return to work at some point in the future, a job will be there waiting and it will be the right one.
I keep remembering how I have been feeling and the messages I have been receiving from my guides over the past year or so. My boss is right. My priority is my family, my children. I also want to work on myself. Healing is necessary. I also want to continue to help people. I want to feel as if I am contributing to the healing of others. There are so many lost people in this world searching for their own answers to, Who am I? Why am I here?
Does this new job opportunity help me accomplish these goals? No. It only prolongs my misery and delays healing.
So yeah, I'm not going to take it. I am going to let this cycle run its course. I knew it the moment he offered me the job. I could feel a part of myself grieve the loss but a bigger part of me was joyous in knowing that I did not have to take it, did not want to take it. There are so many things more important than money.
The night before last I had trouble sleeping. Well, really I slept but it was an odd sleep where I awoke not feeling rested. At one point I awoke in the midst of strong hypnagogic imagery. Hypnagogia is a deeply relaxed state of consciousness that occurs right as we fall asleep.
The phenomenon of the hypnagogic hallucinations which occur in this period are characterized by a slideshow of highly condensed, discontinuous, and bizarre imagery of faces, figures, animals, print and writing. Also accompanying this is often hearing one’s name being whispered, hearing music, and undergoing temporary physical paralysis. These visual, auditory, and physical stimuli, have been known to cultivate intuition, bring flashes of inspiration, and offer creative insight to those who experience them. During this fleeting psycho-physical state, people report randomly occurring visual and auditory experiences which are relatively more disconnected and short-lived when compared to dreams characteristic of REM sleep. Hypnagogia is in fact very common, occurring in 72 to 77 percent of the population, many are unaware of the phenomena. Excerpt from http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1800For me, the experience of hypnagogia is familiar and typically occurs right before I exit my body and go off on an astral adventure. However, when I became conscious of the images flashing in front of my eyes, I was instantly very exhausted and wanted nothing more than to drift off to sleep. What did I see? It was a colorful display of bright white and blue swirls that danced in front of my eyes and morphed into different shapes. In between there was often a flash of pure white.
I felt suspended in time as I watched the shifting scene in front of my eyes and heard the familiar pounding of my heart in my ears. As always, I tried to calm myself to get the sound of my pounding heart to slow. It was distracting and keeping me from continuing on into the abyss of sleep. I was not afraid, however. I knew I could choose: go out of body or go to sleep. I felt an urge to go out of body but I was just not interested. Eventually I fell asleep, leaving the beautiful images behind me.
When I awoke I felt as if I hadn't slept and could remember no dreams. I then felt a bit nauseous. I ate a light breakfast and went to work. Unfortunately, the sick feeling returned at work and I ended up crawling into bed upon my return home and drifting to sleep early.
I don't know why I ended up seeing the bright colorful images I saw. I did not intend for it to happen and to my knowledge it has not happened to me before without that intention. I do remember that I could feel my entire body tingling with healing energy. My body was not vibrating like is usual when I am about to exit my body - it was receiving healing. Since I got sick the next day I am pretty sure that is why I had this strange but memorable experience.
Experiencing the sickness I just did helped me remember that I do need so much healing still. What is funny is that just the day before, while at a training, a woman who sat next to me began talking to me about life. She gave me advice by telling me her story and what is strange is that her story, how she is as a person was me! It was my life! It was as if I were talking to an older, wiser version of me. She was there to deliver to me a message.
She told me how she had to stop coming home from a full day at work to immediately clean up, cook dinner, clean up dinner, prepare for the next day, put the kids to bed, and finally pass out exhausted. How doing this made her miserable and sucked the energy out of her. She told me, "Put your hands up like this when you get home (putting her hands over her eyes like blinders) and walk to the rocking chair. Get your kids on your lap and sit and rock with them while watching TV and just be. Close your eyes and relax. You don't have to clean up the mess. Let it be". Then she told me I had no business working out when I just had a baby. She said,"You need to rest!" And something inside me was screaming, "Listen to this woman! She is here to help you!" And did I listen? Yes but then no. I went home and did all the things I typically do. And the next day I didn't because I was sick. My body forced me to stop. And then I realized that she was right even though I already knew it.
It's time. Time to slow down. Time to heal. Time to listen. Because if I don't? Something - life - will make me.
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