Giving Up is Letting Go

If you've noticed, I've not been posting much in this blog. I've been attempting to shift back to WP but find myself limited by it. Limited meaning I don't feel safe to post the more mundane and personal aspects of my journey. There is an expectation that goes along with my WP blog, an expectation to post about OBEs, dreams, and the spiritually profound. Anything else is lacking.

I mentioned in my WP blog today that there are things that happened on the 10th and 11th that I couldn't write about on there. Well, I will share some of that here now.

Whatever "change" the 11/11 portal brought for you, for me it seems to be a full letting go of a particular dream of mine. Giving up is a better word, though. Giving up on a person, really. On 11/11 my FB feed showed a pic I had posted last year. The pic showed my old office telephone with 11/11 and the time 11:11 am. I recalled the horrible pain I was going through at the time and recognized how far I have come since then. However, the reality that the passage of time had not made me feel better was a tough one to confront. I had to be honest with myself and look at why I was still feeling so decimated even after a year to heal and move on.

Later in the day I noticed I had lost many followers on my other blog. This is to be expected as I stopped writing in it for a while. However, the loss of a particular follower really hit home. It became clear to me that a letting go was not only occurring for me. And if this is the case then it is meant to be a combined healing and learning as the journey was all along for me and this other person. I had made a conscious effort to release this person a while back but had not completely done so. I held onto the hope that maybe one day things would progress, that we would return to the path we both diverged from. But in seeing this final break I felt myself give up. It was literally a feeling, and if a sound existed it would have been a distinct "snap" sound, like a twig breaking. The last string I was clinging to snapped and I knew the reason I had not fully moved on was because I had not completely let go.

It is hard to let go of something so beautiful, to a dream of what could have been. What if's are hard to avoid and I have played that game far too long. It needs to be "Whatever", not "What if?" Healing only comes when one can accept things AS THEY ARE. A dream is not that. A dream is a "what if", albeit a beautiful one. Holding onto a lie doesn't heal, it hurts.

Not surprisingly a song came to me upon waking. The specific part was, "Giving up is letting go and moving to a better place." So I've given up but I still have hope. Just not hope of a dream or a could've been, hope that some day I will be blessed to experience that kind of connection, deep love and friendship again. When it does then I will not let expectation ruin it but enjoy it while I have it because it is true gift. And in the meanwhile I can go on existing because I have felt the connection in dreamtime enough to know it is never lost, just forgotten.

Nonetheless, I still experienced a regression of sorts in the giving up/letting go. I have not smoked in a long while and not had an urge to either. But in my giving up I wanted to smoke. I also wanted to stop running, to stop moving toward any kind of goal. I couldn't stop thinking, "What's the point?" It didn't help that my husband pulled out a pack of cigarettes in front of me the very day I had these thoughts! I turned around and walked away, disgusted that he would purposefully try to get me back to smoking. I should have grabbed the pack and smashed it to pieces the moment I saw it!

This leads into what happened on the 10th. Out of the blue my husband threw the big D word at me. Again. He has been doing this for a year at least now. Threatening and then always he backs off and I hear nothing of it for months. I am still in a place that I can't confront it. My whole life is my family. Take that away and I have nothing left, or at least that is how it feels. So my evening was full of concern that I would have to go back to work, to deal with a mess I didn't want to and do it all alone. Every time my husband does this I feel exhausted and unable to do anything but be apathetic because I can't see a future either way.

Without something to look forward to I have nothing. Sleep and the dreams it brings are all I have left. I just go through the motions of living and embrace the night. That is my routine right now. I still run, I still workout, I still do what I need to do to keep my family going, but even running is just a time passer for the most part. Yes I am still reaching my goals in that department. I ran 7 miles at a 9:30 min/mile pace without even trying. I am still maintaining my fitness and am still taking my NASM course but I know it is all for naught. It doesn't replace the empty feeling in my heart. It doesn't relieve the loneliness.

I need a friend, a confidant. Someone who understands me and I them, who I can laugh with and share with. I don't have that. I am not looking for it either. I don't have time for girlfriends, nor do I want to deal with their lofty expectations of me. Plus, I would need to find someone who has the same spiritual beliefs and philosophical thinking as me. In my time here that has been rare indeed to find in men and women alike. Any other friendship is just empty, full of shopping, pointless chatter, gossip and whining. I have better things to do, like be alone. lol Really, though, I prefer being alone. It would be cool though to have a girlfriend to run with on occasion even if she was not into spiritual things.

So now all I have is a bunch of nothingness. I guess that is good because where there is nothing, something can be created. What that is, though, is difficult for me to decide. If it were up to me I would be a professional lucid dreamer and explorer of consciousness.

Anxiety 

The K-index (geomagnetic storms) and gamma rays have been high for a week at least. The effect for me has been a return of mild anxiety/panic at odd times. However, yesterday it hit a peak while I was running that 7 miles I mentioned above. Around mile 4 I felt my arms and legs begin to tingle and got the all-too familiar sensation that comes right before passing out. I have never actually passed out before but I have experienced the signs and so I stopped immediately and began to walk. It didn't take long for me to recover, maybe 1 minute or less, but it freaked me out enough for me to take the next mile really easy. I returned to my faster pace after that, finding a surprising amount of energy to run an additional 3.25 miles.

What is odd is that my chest hurt the rest of the day every time I took a breath in. I have no idea why but it continued to hurt when I breathed in the night, but only when laying on my side. It was not a horrible pain just enough to notice. My thoughts were that I just overdid it and needed to rest but I couldn't help but wish it would turn into something far worse and I would die silently in my sleep. This morning there is no discomfort with breathing. All is back to normal.

I know, the death-wish stuff is getting old. Try being the one doing the wishing all the time. I don't want to be that person. In fact, in my asking to stop being that person I recalled a moment a very long time ago, around 2003. My memories of  that time are that I was happy overall because I had just discovered my spiritual gifts, OBEs and the spiritually profound. Yet I still thought of dying even then, even when in a relationship that was pretty awesome. To realize that I had not changed my death-wish tendencies even after all I have been through was a loss for me. Perhaps I am just damaged goods and it will just be something I have to always live with. Problem is, my always wanting to opt out keeps me from enjoying the present, the things that I am blessed with. It is what makes the lens through which I view my life continually dirty.

Animal Messages

Nature has been another messenger these past few weeks. I had butterflies visiting and have seen my fair share of dead birds, mostly pigeons or doves, on my runs this week. Transformation, moving on, change - all the same messages.

Yesterday while outside a huge shadow passed overhead. I followed it to our tree and saw a huge red tailed hawk land in it's branches. This was unusual and so I took some photos but it was hard to get a good shot because he was too high up. The photo at the beginning of this post is the clearest shot I could get. He remained for a while, preening and keeping watch. Such a beautiful bird!

I always view the hawk as the bringer of the message: Possibility. They rise above and can see things from a higher perspective. The big picture is seen. However, they are also symbols of watching and waiting until the right time. They watch their prey until the right time and the swoop down for the kill. They are observers with patience and cunning. Finally they represent one's connection to the spiritual realms.

So the message was: wait until the right time. Don't make your move yet. Observe and be patient. That is the story of my life! lol