Grave of Grass

When this week started I had a good feeling about it. So far the feeling has remained and the week is turning out well. I have noticed a shift in energy for myself and those around me since the new year began. It feels like an opening occurred. Like a funnel, the energy that was blocked is now moving freely, being sucked into the previously energy-devoid spaces that were so painfully obvious to me in the past six months to a year.

Monday

Yesterday. The feeling I had all day was one of hope and anticipation. It was not an overly excited feeling just a feeling of being open to new things. I filled out an application online that I had not been able to access from home the night before. When I finished filling it out I thought to myself, "I will get a call tomorrow". I felt sure of this and smiled and thought not more about it.

Later that afternoon when I was preparing to go home I checked my voicemail. There was a message from the director of the very place I had just filled out the application for hours before. She wanted an interview with me. I returned her call and had to leave a message. On the way home I was listening to music and singing like I normally do and was suddenly hit with a thought. It came to me like my own but I recognized it as more than that. The thought was: "Ahhhhh! It is almost over!" The "ahhh" was like a big sigh of relief and with it came an almost instant rush of emotion. It was a good thing.

My husband was home when I got there (he had been sick) and I convinced him to go on a walk with me. I knew I would miss the lady's call back but it was worth it to get to walk with my husband. When I got home I had indeed missed a call from her. I called her back and she picked up. She asked me if I wanted an interview and then asked if I could come in the next day or the day after. I told her I could and we set up an appointment for an interview for the following day at 4pm. She said to me, "I will see you tomorrow at 4 and then we can sit down and chat". It sounded more like an invitation to get to know one another than an interview. In my experience this is a good sign.

When I hung up the phone I knew I had the job already. I love that feeling. I feel a bit hesitant about writing it here, though, as if I am jinxing myself or something. Either I am about to be offered a job by this lady or maybe by the lady who interviewed me last week. Or perhaps there is yet more to be revealed? Whatever it is, it is good. The energy is no longer blocked. It is moving and it is nice!

Grave of Grass

My dreams were odd last night. There was a lot of symbolism and I tossed and turned quite a bit. The most recent dream is still vivid to me. In it I was trying to sleep in a room with three other people. It was a small room, like an office, and I remember that it was cold. I said something to the lady about it. I know this part of the dream was a direct result of the fact that I was cold in the physical.

In the dream I went to the car and was preparing to get into it. There were dogs I did not recognize jumping into my SUV. I was sad to notice that both my dog and my Mom's dog were not there. They were gone. Dead. I remarked how I missed them and how they would never be there again. There was a woman with me who was encouraging me, but I was inconsolable. The song by Daughter - Youth - was going through my mind, specifically the part, "And you caused it"(To hear the song - Youth). I was very obviously wallowing in my own feelings of guilt and ineptness.

The dream shifted and I was outside near a house. It was very green all around me and there was a pond and lots of water/moisture in the air, like Spring. There was a long wood fence that ran along a path to where the trash was dumped. It was stained a medium brown and looked very nice, something like a wealthy person would have. I was standing barefoot on very green, cool grass watching my husband. He stood behind the trash drop off which was made of wood and matched the fencing. I felt like he had built it and felt pride for him and disappointment that I did not have a similar accomplishment to be proud of. He commented that the drop off was infested with ants and in my mind I could see the tiny ants and their mound with tons of tiny white eggs.

For some reason I got it into my mind to begin digging. I started digging furiously into the green grass in front of me. As I dug I remember thinking that I was digging my own grave. As I dug I felt more and more sure that it was what I wanted. When I looked at the hole I thought of how nice it would be to fall into it and just rest. Forever. Yet, when I looked at the hole there was not fresh dirt like I expected. Instead there was lush, green, moist grass and it lined the entire hole. It was like the earth was moving and changing as I dug in order to prevent me from making a hole. The more I dug, the more the grass would grow and spread and before I knew it the hole just looked like a natural depression in the earth. I then noticed that the water from the nearby pond was flowing into the depression and I remember feeling a bit uneasy about this. What was going on?

I began to gain consciousness in my dream and with that ithe colors and sensations became more real. I was still feeling like laying down in the hole but the hole wouldn't let me. If I were to lay down in it I would be covered in water. I began to wake up and as I moved closer to wakefulness I heard my guide say, "You've got to put more into it than you get out". I understood.

I woke up then and knew that the message was about work as well as life. I wasn't happy at work because I wasn't putting more than my all into it. I was instead just taking what I could get. It made me feel like a failure, like a user; a mooch. My guide then reminded me, "You have done it before" referring to putting more into my job than I got out of it. I remembered. Yes, I have and I was so completely satisfied with my job. "You can do it again," he said as I thought how I couldn't imagine ever being happy with work like that again. I doubted him. He said,"You will".

"You've got to put more into it than you get out".

The phrase stayed with me, echoing in my mind.

It is true, you know. Only when a person is living to their full potential, not holding back who they are, and are true to themselves will they thrive and feel satisfaction - happiness. Doing the opposite for any length of time only creates a vacuum of energy within ones self resulting in a feeling of hollowness; emptiness. Eventually that person will only want to do what I was doing in my dream, so desperate for a reprieve that I was attempting to dig myself a grave.

I told my husband the message I heard. I have been telling him more about my dreams and my spiritual experiences lately. He listens and doesn't invalidate them. It helps me to tell him, too. His response? "So true!" Pause. "You have been much more positive lately". Ha! I responded, "I told you that I feel more hopeful and that I feel things are about to change". He said, "Good!"

Yes. Good.