As It Is

Butterfly visit yesterday - 10/10/2017

Woke early this morning at around 5:30am with no dream recall whatsoever. Super tired, I rolled over to try and return to sleep despite hearing tiny footsteps on the stairs outside my room.

Dream: Injured Cat

I was in a garage (period of inactivity in my life) with my mom about to get into the car to go somewhere. It felt like early morning. My mom told me my brother was checking on an injured cat (feminine spirit, sexuality) he saw in the road that had been hit by a car. He was going to take it to the vet and see if he could save its life. I remember thinking, "My brother the cat hero" or something like that and thinking about how he always did have a big heart. In my mind I saw the cat - gray with thick fur and wrapped in a towel. It reminded me of one of my mom's cats that recently died, attacked in the night by some animal and left in my mom's front yard for her to find in the morning, entrails strewn all over.

Dream: Adoption Agreement

The dream merged into another scene where I was both checking my gmail and talking to someone at the same time. It was like my emails became actual conversations as I read them. My recollection is that I had not checked my email in a while, neglecting a particular part of my life. I apologized to the woman (email) and she filled me in on what was going on. Apparently I had mothered a child with her son and she was my MIL, though I could not place her in this life/timeline but she did remind me of my ex-MIL. The email/conversation was about how she had adopted (looking for what's missing in my life) the child and I was surprised. I told her how impressed I was at her loving act.

Then I apologized for my lack of communication explaining that I had said things without thinking, harsh, hurtful things that I didn't mean. There was with this an explanation of how, over time, we cover up the love we have for people in our lives with layers upon layers of overt acts and unkind words.

I explained it like this: Imagine the person's name written in black letters on white paper. With each negative act/communication paint over the name with a dark color like red. Eventually the person's name cannot be read through all the layers of paint and they are "lost" becoming only the angry color red rather than the actual person they truly are. It is almost impossible to remove the paint once it has dried. Even saying/doing nice things doesn't undo it. This causes us to not be able to feel/see the love we have for this person. There is too much in the way and the love seems to not exist. However, if we can somehow remove all the "red paint" we can return to that original love.

My MIL understood and did not hold a grudge toward me. In this moment it felt as if I was talking with a MIL of mine from some distant past and trying to understand how these relationships are later healed when we crossed to the Other Side. I remember feeling distraught about how to fix relationships that have been covered up by too many layers of red paint. How does one go about removing all those layers? Is the love hidden underneath only to be remembered upon death?

She showed me the announcement and I read a bit about how grateful she was to be allowed the opportunity to raise the child as her own. The love she had for a child not of her blood was surprising to me, so much so that I felt my heart well up and my eyes grow teary. Then I began to cry full-on and it woke me up.

When I woke up the tears kept coming for a while. My thoughts indicated that I was grieving over the fact that I would never have anymore children. It's not that I feel old but that I miss the experience of pregnancy, feeling my baby grow inside me, bonding with my child while he/she is in the womb and then experiencing the unconditional love of motherhood.

Butterfly - Transformation, Metamorphosis 

Duck symbolism- Connections between spiritual and physical

Reflection

Later in the morning, I told my husband about my dream and we had a conversation about it. I told him that prior to sleep I had asked my guidance, "Why is it that we don't feel the unconditional love and friendship I feel with you and others on the Other Side here in the physical? It is obviously there always, yet in the physical it is muted and often imperceptible." I didn't get a response at the time I asked the question yet upon waking I saw clearly how my question had been answered by, yet again, myself within my dream.

The reason the second dream came out as related to children is because the only similar feeling of unconditional love I have felt in this lifetime has been via my children. And if I think back to my very earliest years, when memories are hard to come by, I also perceive the feeling. It is clear that we come into life with the feeling but over time we forget it or maybe convince ourselves we are unworthy of it, that it doesn't exist because no one else seems to feel it (this was my conclusion) or for some other reason. Ultimately, the feeling is covered so thickly with "red paint" that we no longer recognize that it even exists to the point that the human language doesn't have adequate verbiage for it.

In discussing this with my husband, who actually could relate to everything I said, I was reminded of something. Years ago - 2011 or 2012 - I had asked my guidance to help me feel for my husband the kind of love that I knew existed but had no memory of. It was upsetting to me that once again I was in a relationship where instead of growing closer to my husband I felt myself drifting away. Despite having the desire to make it different I seemed unable to control the growing distance and worried it would be the end of us. 

In recalling this I realized that my guidance had been answering my question in pieces over the years via spiritual and physical life experiences. It was so crystal clear what the answer was - the love I was seeking with my husband and have since experienced for myself via other experiences (but not yet with him), is already present. It always has been. I have just "painted" over it so much that I can't see it/him anymore.

So then my question was, "How do I get rid of the red paint?!" The answer was, "You don't." This was puzzling to me. The answer seemed to be that the only way to return to that unconditional, divine friendship and love was to enter into the spiritual realms, to go OOB or in-between. When I am there, no matter how much "red paint", I don't see it. I know what the red paint represents, but I can see past it. It is like it doesn't exist at all. It just isn't important. That was how it was when I first met Chris when OOB. I knew his "humanity", the good and the bad, but I didn't care. To me, that was part of why he was so beautiful to me. It didn't affect the love and friendship we had. Nothing did.

In discussing this with my husband we concluded that the only way to see past the "red paint" here in the physical is to look past it. We have to create the love at the level we know exists and somehow ignore all the other stuff. We have to "pretend" we have what we want rather than agreeing with everyone and everything else here in the physical that points to the contrary. That is part of the challenge of life in the physical. We have to work create constantly the very things that come instantly and easily to us on the Other Side.

By the time I was done talking to my husband I could see that my initial consideration about loving him had been correct all along and I told him what it was. My hypothesis is, has been, that I can be anywhere with anyone in this life, it doesn't matter where or with who, and have the love I am seeking, the love that for some reason feels so impossible to get hold of and keep. If I can't make of my life - as.it.is (there are those words again) - what I want, then how crazy is it to think that going somewhere else or being with someone else will somehow bring it about?! Ha! It WON'T. It is all RIGHT HERE. ALREADY.

This is why I grieved so much for not having anymore children in this lifetime. With them I can easily feel the love/devotion/friendship/bond that seems so difficult to get anywhere else. They remind me of what I forgot every day, especially my youngest. His innocence and pure acceptance of me as I am is something to cherish. Any thought about going back to work full-time was squashed with the thought of leaving him. How idiotic would I be to turn my back on time with him, time that will so quickly be lost as he grows up and begins to "forget" what real love is.

I feel truly blessed today. Look at all that I have learned and all that I have yet to learn.

I am going to end this post with some photos of my son Elek. He has become my best running companion, always eager to go running with mommy. We ran a 5K today together. :)

"Flying"

Hanging out with the ducks. 

Ready for a run!