No Job, No Worries

Not a whole lot to write about this morning. Things have been quiet and a bit uneventful and I've not been much interested in blogging these days. My motivation for blogging is mostly my spiritual experiences and it has been eerily quiet lately except for seeing a lot of combinations of 11, 111, and 1111's. No lucid dreams or OBEs, no Kundalini, no strange feelings or "ah-ha" moments - just the mundane, physicality overload.

No Job, No Worries

I've still not heard anything about the job. Yesterday I got a call from another manager of a store, though. He asked me to consider working for him and gave me the address so I could check it out. I was shopping for shoes at the time with my son, Elek. The new pair I bought at the beginning of the month caused my left foot to get sore and so I had to send them back, so, I needed a replacement pair. When I got the phone call, Elek saw his chance to escape and went on a run across the store at full speed. It was very hard to talk to the manager on the phone and chase down Elek. You can imagine the humor of the situation. lol I am so use to Elek's escapism that I just go with the flow. I am so over worrying about others in the store gawking or what they think about the crazy woman chasing her 3yr old.

After lunch and two other store visits, each with Elek playing his game of run and hide from mommy, I finally purchased some new shoes and made it home. I looked up the location of the other store and saw it was an 18 minute commute from my home. It was instantly obvious that I could not - would not - be working there. I just cannot justify driving that distance for such low pay. So I called up the manager and told him I couldn't help him. I asked him why he was calling, did I not get the other job? I have not heard a peep from the store manager I had the great connection with. He told me that she and the district manager were still deciding. However, it was obvious to me that he had to have had her permission to call and offer me a position at his store meaning she had decided against hiring me for one reason or another. Why she has not informed me of her decision, I don't know.

I'm not really bummed about the whole situation. My guidance asked me a question the other day that made me look differently at it anyway. I was asked, "Can you see yourself working there?" And when I looked, I couldn't. You know how when you want something you "imagine" it, making it more and more real until it becomes a reality? Well, when I did think of myself in that job it was brief and never came with the feeling that said, "It will be". It's hard to explain. At the time, though, I was trying not to expect one outcome over another and I'm still not. I am okay with whatever happens.

In all honestly making my schedule fit with this job would have been difficult because of my husband. I would have to leave before he normally arrived home from work and even though he said he would come home early every day of the week I know him and it is highly unlikely that he would make it home on time. He also goes out of town on business trips often and that would mean I would have to pay someone to watch the kids. It would cost my entire pay to pay a babysitter.

My biggest upset about the job not panning out is that I won't have something to keep me busy and to get away from the house in the evenings. The evenings are the hardest on me because I am with my youngest all day, have all three from 3pm onward and very rarely get help from my husband once he gets home. It would be nice to have an excuse to not make dinner, to not have to deal with homework, nightly reading, and bedtime routines. Yet I know if I am not home at night that most, if not all of the evening's activities would go undone. No brushed teeth, no clothes picked out for the school the next day, no lunches made, no homework done, no reading, no baths (well maybe a bath), and dinner would be something the kids instantly rejected (lol). And the things that might happen based upon past experience make me nervous (like Elek escaping the house without clothes on).

Those of you who are mothers, working or otherwise, probably know my life routine well. In fact, it is so common that most of us don't bother questioning it or resisting it, though we likely have some kind of coping mechanism like drinking, smoking, or fantasizing about living another life. It just IS and though we want to rebel and do something to teach our husband's a lesson we often opt to just suck it up and move on. When I was working it was three times the work, so I am grateful that I'm not working full-time, but I still miss the identity it gave me and the "independence", even if illusory.

I've tried to get more help from my husband, to fix the situation of overwork that comes with being a mother and wife, but nothing works for long. I can't seem to get out from under the heavy expectation of being a woman and mother in this world. No matter how I explain my feelings, my perspective, my exhaustion, it just isn't real to him. So my solution is to accept my lot in life, to find the silver lining (my children) and remember that everything changes, nothing stays the same. That, at least, is something life on Earth will give you every time: Change.

What if, though, it isn't enough? What then?


Dream: Hand Cancer

I've not had many memorable dreams over the last five days but one has stayed with me. In the dream I was in a work environment of some sort. A woman was having a hand transplant and I was informed that I had a part in it. My right hand was the focus of the conversation for most of the dream. The person talking to me told me that I had cancer in it and I remember inspecting it and noting that it worked find and was functional though there was some swelling and redness. I watched the other woman come out of surgery. She was holding her hand up covered in bloody bandages. I was told it was my turn then and I became apprehensive. I remember sitting on the operating table and saying I wouldn't do it. They kept urging me to have the surgery to remove my "cancerous hand" and I kept stalling. Finally, I told them I would do it but only under anesthesia. I said I wanted to be completely knocked out so that I didn't remember a thing.

When I woke up I knew the other woman in the dream was me. I also knew the hand must be something very significant being it was the focus of the entire dream. The right hand symbolizes the masculine; hands in general symbolize relationships with others. Bloody hands symbolize guilt. Cancer symbolizes feelings of hopelessness, grief, self-pity and unforgiveness and areas in your life that are bothering you, hurting you or disturbing you. In other words, an emotional issue is eating away at me and it is related to the masculine and a relationship. A transplant indicates a worn out aspect of one's life that needs to be replaced. So.....you get the idea.

Dream: Learning

In another dream I arrived at my new job. What was odd about this dream was that my husband in the dream was my ex-husband and the location of the dream was in Montana. I remember asking about the position and talking to the director for a while. It was a school-type setting where I would be working with young children as a teacher or something similar. I remember associating the job with a job I had when I lived in Alaska and mentioning the name. I thought the old job was an affiliate of this new one. They informed me there was no association. The name of my old job was Adult Learning Programs and in the dream the part that kept echoing was "Learning program".

When I awoke I realized instantly that the dream was symbolic of my life and "job" while here. I am in a "learning program" and my job is to learn. I didn't feel resistant to it but the feeling I had was an unsettled one.

Question

One evening I was feeling a bit uncertain again, wondering "What now?" As if prompted, my guide interrupted my thoughts and asked me: "What have you not yet experienced?" Since my guidance has been so silent the question was a surprise but one I knew had significance. I immediately thought of all the things I had not experienced - good and bad. It made me grateful for the good things, especially when I considered how I had not experienced homelessness, prison, starvation, illness (cancer), and other sucky life conditions. For a while I thought the question was to get me to think about what could happen so that I was prepared for something to come. Yet I believe now that it was only to get me to consider my life thus far and what I have learned and how far I've come. Perhaps I need a bucket list and to complete those things I have always wanted to do but have never done? Or maybe I have chosen to experience things that are too "easy" and need to challenge myself more. I have heard that one feels most satisfied in life when they are overcoming challenges and reaching goals. Perhaps I have taken the easy route far too many times, but then the path I have just come from was not easy by a long-shot.

Pain

This morning a friend on FB posted this article - Into White (again). It is actually a poem inspired by Bob Monroe of the Monroe Institute (OBEs). There was a section of the poem that rang so very true to me.

  “Pain,” she began matter-of-factly, warming to her subject-matter, “is having to make choices with no good alternatives. Pain is hurting people you love—betraying them, letting them down. Pain is gaining love, then losing it. Pain is deception; pain is telling the truth. Pain is not getting enough attention, or too much. Pain is wanting what you can’t have, or having what you can’t want. Pain is having magical powers that fail when you need them the most. Pain is—“

This description of pain seems to be my entire life and I am so very familiar with it. The "damned if you do, damned if you don't" scenario is one I am very familiar with, especially most recently. It all came down to the question of, "Who do you choose to hurt?" Yet I am aware that I am addicted to this pain, addicted to the intensity and the uncertainty, the let down and the potential.....the Not-Knowing. So addicted that when my life is "good", when things are going along well and predictable that I am most restless and unhappy. So ironic! Perhaps that is the point.

Back to Distractions

So back to those distractions that keep me busy while I wait for the unexpected and unpredictable to liven up my life. lol 

I am in my second week of study for my NASM certification. Week 1 was a breeze as I figured it would be. So far, so good. 

This week I met my body fat goal and then some. My goal was 16% and I got down to 15% based upon a measurement calculator. When I got out my caliper the result was 14.83%. My weight is also down to the mid-120s, right where I wanted it to be. Unfortunately the ab results I wanted are yet to fully materialize. I just have too much extra skin from three babies. I can see my upper six-pack and obliques really well but my tummy area isn't budging. All I have to show of my fat loss in that area is extra skin that wrinkles up like an old leather. lol If I get lower in body fat then my abs may or may not be revealed. What I do know, though, is that if I go too much lower I will lose my period which is not where I want to go. Too low of fat (between 8-12%) is not healthy for long periods of time. Right now I am at sustainable levels. 

I also have to be careful about obsessing over this body stuff. I got caught in that in my early 20's to the point that I lost so much weight and body fat that I did lose my period. Skipped a whole month and it scared me. I believe I weighed 118lbs, the lowest I've ever weighed. Right now I am 8lbs above that. Only 8lbs. Kinda freaky.....

So though it is tempting to see just how low I can go and find out what my lower abs look like I think I am going to move back in the opposite direction. Currently I am experiencing discomfort when sitting in certain positions because my tailbone is more exposed. I have a butt but not as much as I use to. lol I am also losing breast tissue and at my age deflated boobs are a norm so take away fat and you get more skin and less boob. I still look fine but unfortunately women lose weight from the top down so the more I lose the skinnier my upper body gets. I have already heard some comments from my mom in that department. I can always count on her to tell me how it is. lol

Am I crazy? Maybe, but I feel awesome physically and I look pretty good to boot. Besides, what else do I have to do for me besides sculpt and perfect this body? Being a SAHM all day gives me the time to focus on my physical body in ample amounts and I get to take my son along for the ride. 

As for running, like I already mentioned, I had to get new shoes. I liked my other pair but the ball of my left foot kept hurting 2+ miles into my runs. I have never experienced foot pain from running. Turns out I selected the wrong type of shoe - a stability shoe when I need a neutral one. I had no idea about the different types of shoes so I learned something from the pain in my foot. Long story short, I have the perfect stride so need no correction. Correction where it isn't needed = pain. Yep. Because I had my son with me I opted to grab the first pair of shoes that felt good. Turned out I got a pair of Asics meant for trail running. lol That's okay, though, as long as my foot doesn't hurt! We'll see how they perform. So far my test run was pleasant but I only ran 1 mile.

So far I have not met any of my other goals for distance running. I did get to a 10:05 min/mile on a 4 mile run recently and that was with an aching left foot and wind that seemed to push against me the whole time. With my body fat so low I may be decreasing my runs for a while. Lots of cardio is not conducive to muscle gain and right now I need to build muscle, especially on my ass. lol But I do love to run so I may just eat a hell of a lot more to compensate. We'll see.