Life
Lately I have been really distressed about the state of the world. This happens to me sometimes and comes in phases. I will see the news or run into a particularly bad student at work and it sets me into a tailspin. I think, "This world is going to hell in a hand basket" or "What is the point?" Steven always says, "There is good in the world, too" and I almost always get the feeling that it was planned this way, that for some reason we, as spiritual beings, planned it this way.
Yesterday I was reflecting upon my work. I work with students grades 6-12 and ages varying from 11yrs to 17yrs. They only come to me and the building I work in because they have been kicked out of school for one things or another. Sometimes they break the law, other times they have just gotten in trouble too many times. I have students who have never experienced childhood. Their parents either were not there or were too busy to tend to them. Some of my students have children of their own while others have parents who introduce them to drug use and prostitution. I keep being surprised that such families exist in the world and I don't know why. I should be use to it by now. But I guess I am just naive.
While thinking of some students I had to remind myself to not think too much about any one in particular. Why? If I do, then I get upset and emotional and, in the end, discouraged and depressed. I feel unable to help and overwhelmed. My heart aches for them, every one of them. Just last night I felt my heart start to ache and I realized that I have been closing myself off from feeling things. I realized that if I didn't do that, that I would end up losing my cool at work by either crying or breaking down in some way. I have to stay strong to work where I work. The kids depend on me, even if only as a teacher who they know will be there every day - dependable, maybe the only dependable thing in their life.
I sometimes wonder if what I am doing is enough. It doesn't feel like it. I know one day that I will look over this life I live and see the contribution I made, but right now, I just don't see it. It bothers me but I am reminded to keep going, to keep striving to do my best. In the end it is the intention that counts and makes all the difference.
Yesterday I was reflecting upon my work. I work with students grades 6-12 and ages varying from 11yrs to 17yrs. They only come to me and the building I work in because they have been kicked out of school for one things or another. Sometimes they break the law, other times they have just gotten in trouble too many times. I have students who have never experienced childhood. Their parents either were not there or were too busy to tend to them. Some of my students have children of their own while others have parents who introduce them to drug use and prostitution. I keep being surprised that such families exist in the world and I don't know why. I should be use to it by now. But I guess I am just naive.
While thinking of some students I had to remind myself to not think too much about any one in particular. Why? If I do, then I get upset and emotional and, in the end, discouraged and depressed. I feel unable to help and overwhelmed. My heart aches for them, every one of them. Just last night I felt my heart start to ache and I realized that I have been closing myself off from feeling things. I realized that if I didn't do that, that I would end up losing my cool at work by either crying or breaking down in some way. I have to stay strong to work where I work. The kids depend on me, even if only as a teacher who they know will be there every day - dependable, maybe the only dependable thing in their life.
I sometimes wonder if what I am doing is enough. It doesn't feel like it. I know one day that I will look over this life I live and see the contribution I made, but right now, I just don't see it. It bothers me but I am reminded to keep going, to keep striving to do my best. In the end it is the intention that counts and makes all the difference.
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