Sudden Message
My husband took our older two children with him to an archeological dig that is located near our home. It gave me time alone with my baby. I also got to write in my blog and get some chores around the house done. When I sat down to watch some television is when the unexpected message hit.
Similar to my experience in 2002 (without the booming voice) I got a strong feeling that I needed to "leave now". With it came the idea to just pack up my family and head out without concern about what to do with the loose ends. When I got the message I also realized that the number of guides around me had doubled from 4 to 8. Additionally, I became overwhelmed with emotion - mostly fear. Where would we go? What would I do for income? The answers to my questions never came but a feeling of knowingness accompanied the message: it would not be a bad choice. Though I didn't get much information about why I should go or where I did hear "May" as significant. I put that information on the shelf for now. I never know what these messages really mean until the predicted time or date arrives.
I spoke with my husband about the message and he was not surprised. He said, "I knew it was coming". When I asked him what I should do, he, of course, was of no help. He will not tell me what to do. He reminds me of my guides. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do. It would make it so much easier!
Plans
I am stuck in a rut. Again, I don't know what to do. I want to make the best choice for myself and my family. I want the perfect solution. Yet all the options I feel are available to me don't feel exactly right. There is always some disadvantage it seems.
The decision, as usual, has to do with my career which in turn determines where we live. The message was that it was time to go, time to pick up and move my family somewhere better. I have long known that living here, near my family and in the country was not the best thing for my marriage. I felt it years ago but I felt I needed to stay. Why? My mother. She needed me. But now my mother is getting married. My youngest brother about to graduate from high school and leave home. Already, my mom is talking to me less and seems peaceful and happy compared to how she usually is. Love does that to a person I guess. And last night, sitting alone, the thought came to me that there is no longer a reason for me to stay here. My mom doesn't need me anymore and likely won't for a long while. I can leave. Yet I feel reluctant to, but I recognize it is mostly fear that I am feeling; fear of change and of the unknown.
Options
The options I have are not bad.
- The first option is that I can stay and work at my current job and see where that leads. But I will be losing my boss because she is resigning the end of June. She makes the environment in which I work positive and gives us purpose. Without her, I don't know if that will remain. I am already doing way more paperwork than I want and getting paid less than what I am worth. So this option is not ideal for those reasons.
- The other option is to stay at my current job but look for a new one, one closer to where my husband works. This would mean selling our house and relocating if I get a job offer - and I know I will if I look. My husband has long wanted to do this, but I have always wanted to stay. My daughter loves her school and it is safe here for my kids. They get to live in the country and go to a small school. I also love my home and hate to leave it behind. But it is only a house. Home is where the heart is, right?
- The other option, one I like but my husband doesn't, is for me to stop working. This also ultimately means we move because we cannot stay here if we can't afford to live here. The other drawback is all the free time I will have. I don't do well with too much free time. I think too much and I grow stir crazy, like I am now as I stay home on maternity leave. I also don't know what I would do if I did leave my job other than stay home with my kids. I know that is not a good option for me. Too much time at home without adult interaction is bad for me.
The Answer
I know what the best option is - option 2. It is the safest one. I hate to leave my job prematurely and create
problems for my boss. She has helped me so much. I can't do that to her. So if I stay as long as she is there, it will mean I don't disappoint her; I won't burn a bridge.
I wonder if we can rent our home? I feel that may be an option but it would also be a hassle. Oh but I don't want just anyone to buy it. I want someone who will keep improving upon it. What if someone trashes it? What if they don't love it like I do? But then again, I have to be okay with letting my home be destroyed if I sell it. I can't dwell on what if's. If someone buys it and trashes it, that is their choice. Yet, when I visit my mom I will see it and if I see something bad I don't know if I can handle it. It is so sad to watch something you worked hard to create be destroyed. I saw that happen to my old childhood home. Sad. Make a Choice
I know from experience that indecision wreaks havoc on me. To not know and be dangling in no man's land as I go about my life is hard to do. There is no point and no destination. It creates the exact feelings I have been having for some time. Indecision can also lead to wasted time and effort. Yet I tend to linger and avoid making a decision. I have been doing that for seven years on this particular decision (move or not move).
Moment of Joy
I want to conclude this post with a positive experience.
Just a couple of days ago, I was able to go for a walk alone. When I turned on my music and began walking I felt a huge weight lift off of me. For just that 40 minute period, I was free and unburdened. My heart soared and I felt like putting my arms out and flying. The wind was blowing warm in my face and the sky was such a vivid blue. All I could think of was the endless possibilities that were in front of me. Life was good at that moment. I wanted to hold onto it, make it stay forever.
I know I can have more moments like that.
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