The Dark Side

Feeling pretty crappy this morning. I have another cold, the kind with a lovely sore throat and headache. My husband and daughter have it, too. 😕 Hoping it is short-lived. The last sore throat I had was in June when my family visited South Padre Island. That was horrendous compared to this "baby" sore throat, though. I have now lost count of how many colds I've had this year but I think this is the fourth one. For someone who rarely if ever gets sick this is ridiculous!!!!

Though I've been avoiding reading about ascension and astrological events and trends I couldn't help but notice a few fellow bloggers mentioning the Lion's Gate and eclipse energies wreaking all sorts of havoc on their bodies (physical and otherwise). As I mentioned in another post, August tends to be a crappy month for me in general. My birthday starts off the month and then it generally goes downhill from there. "Positive" spiritual experience decline in August and typically I feel like crap either emotionally, physically, mentally or all three.

Thus far I've experienced all of the following (some on-going):

Headache
Sore throat
Irritability
Tiredness
Lethargy
Periods of dreamless sleep
Depression
Lack of motivation
Restlessness/Boredom
Memories of past coming up for inspection
Third-eye and heart chakra energy
Sadness
Hopelessness
Family drama
Relationship endings/upheaval
Business/finance endings
Financial hiccups
Unexpected set-backs

It's a long list and I'm certain I've missed a few things. So far nothing too bad. The most obvious shift has been the unexpected events. For example, my husband's debit card was hacked and used for a couple hundred dollars in purchases before our bank or either of us noticed. It was handled but it bothered me and I felt sorta violated by it. Then there was the need to replace all four tires on our Prius so it would pass inspection (unexpected $500 expense) and yesterday my husband got a speeding ticket. So random things but out of the ordinary and all costing us money. 😠

The family drama has been both here at home and beyond. A couple of days ago my mom called me randomly asking me if I had called her and then burst into tears on the phone. Her husband just lost his brother from cancer so things have been really stressful for them, but she told me that things had escalated to the point that she couldn't take it anymore. They kicked out my sister and BIL but three days later invited them back only to end up fighting about it and other things. I listened but suggested she seek out an unbiased person to talk to because I couldn't trust myself to remain neutral. It wasn't that I was feeling pulled into the whole situation but that I have found that no matter what I say or what support I offer it doesn't seem to do much good. Even if I listen with empathy and put on my counselor hat there will always be that underlying telepathic connection between myself and my mom. We can read each other easily and I know that she knows what I think and feel of the whole situation and since she wants to make me happy she lets it affect her decision. In this case she needs to really feel out the situation for herself. Thankfully, later in the day she seemed to have done that and had resolved the immediate upset.

I've already discussed the relationship endings theme. So far the main one has been the one friend but online there have been numerous less obvious and direct disconnections. Similarly I have ended two business ventures that were no longer viable. In a sense it feels like the slate is being wiped clean of all that no longer serves me or has been a pull on my energy. What is interesting is that none of the above was planned. They just happened or were spontaneous decisions on my part. Also, they all occurred in a short span of time, almost like they had been "written" into my life plan.

Throughout all of this I have been continuing to step out of my comfort zone as much as possible, but my lack of motivation has put a kink in it. Yesterday, despite being sick, I took my kids to the lake in order to change up our routine. I swam over a half mile and the kids had fun. Unfortunately, I forgot the sunblock and we all ended up with sunburns, me the worst. Sunburned with a cold. Fun times.

Dream: Dark Side

I'm still sleeping deeply without waking much. This is a welcomed change but I wake up after 10 hours of sleep still feeling tired and often times remembering conversations or lessons from dreamtime. I sometimes record the dreams but always record any lessons/conversations I remember in my private dream journal. Some of them I share publicly, such as this one.

Last night I remember a conversation I had with a faceless person. When I had it, I am not sure, but there was also a dream related to it. I only remember what I said in the conversation. I saw a path in my mind with images on top of images representing actions over time. Then I said, "I will hurt him (my husband)." The memory of this is all muddled now but initially it was very clear as was the Knowing. I saw one potential path and the outcome of it. The "hurt" I spoke of was of the betrayal kind.

The dream that I remember was very vivid. I was at my mom's house with a group of individuals who all worked with my husband (stress in some situation is present) yet none of them were familiar. We were all staying together and sharing responsibilities. One guy was paying me a lot of attention. His intentions were clear as was the type of person he was. I knew he was not a good person and to stay away but I did not do anything about his obvious come on's. I remained neutral, curious about what he would do and enjoying the attention despite knowing there would be no good outcome. He kept very close to me, even kissing my cheek at one point. I noticed others saw this but said nothing. I knew if they knew so would my husband. I didn't care.

At one point I went into one of the bedrooms where my husband was sleeping. He had on his face what appeared to be a mask that looked like very black, nerdy glasses (need to look into a situation more deeply; new perspective). They seemed to be magnified (look more closely at him/us) making his eyes much larger than normal. My intention was to tell him about the guy so he could do something about him. Before I could say much, though, the guy burst into the room and put a knife (lacking power/control in some situation) up against my husband's throat (inability to communicate something/secrets) drawing blood. I don't recall what was said but the guy eventually backed down because he knew he would be fired.

My thoughts during this were that I had not expected it to go so far. I knew the man was bad news but hadn't thought he would try to hurt my husband or fight for me. A part of me liked that he was willing to fight for me, though. I didn't want to be with that guy anyway. I was trying to figure out why I did what I did and had no answer. I was puzzled by myself. I told my husband that I had not intended to hurt him and he accepted my apology and forgave me. I felt unable to control my actions, though, and knew my apology was meaningless. I also felt relief when my husband forgave me. The relief was that I would not lose the security and safety our relationship provided, not because I still had his love.

Then I was in the office where individuals were giving tests to coworkers. There were three steps to this. The first two steps involved help by the teacher but the last was a true test where the teacher could not intervene. One teacher was advised to go to another room and leave the tester alone for the last step because he had trouble abiding by the rules. He kept helping his student.

The last part of the dream was inside my mom's house. We were talking about dinner but it was morning. There was a line forming in front of the coffee maker (sharing of knowledge). I had already gotten my mug out to get coffee so I cut to the front of the line. That is when I noticed the coffee maker was only a two-cup (relationships) machine. I poured myself a cup but it took all the coffee. The system was totally inefficient and the others would be in line all morning waiting for coffee if no change was made. I offered to buy a new coffee maker but my offer was not accepted. Feeling guilty for having the only cup, I handed my cup to man and he shared it (sociability) with me. I remember taking several sips (need to gain insight into a situation before decision is made) as we talked.

Considerations

When I woke up I recalled the conversation I had with the faceless man and knew the dream went with it. I struggle to recall the timing of both, though, and suspect the conversation was at the same time as the dream. It was like the conversation and the dream were one in the same. This is not unusual for me but can be confusing to the physical me.

The dream seems to be me looking at my tendencies in relationships. Inspection of my behavior in the dream and feelings (or lack thereof) is revealing. What I dreamed was showing me a pattern, one I have witnessed in this lifetime already. It also showed me the source of this pattern. I cling to the safety and familiarity of a relationship even when my interest or desire to remain in the relationship has dwindled or is nonexistent. I think most of us do this, so I shouldn't judge myself for being this way. However, what I was shown in the dream is that staying for the wrong reasons ultimately leads to hurt and upset. Even in knowing this, even in seeing the high probability for a negative outcome, I still rationalized my decision to stay. The feeling within the dream was one of inner conflict. One part of me wanted to do the right thing so that no one was hurt. Another part of me wanted to do what was safe and easiest even if it resulted in someone getting hurt. The latter of the two is my tendency.

There were other recognizable tendencies that came up. Mostly they ran rampant when I was a child, yet I was being asked to inspect these as they impact my current situation. When I was little I was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed and I admit I was. My tendency was to act out on my emotions and mostly I was angry. My mom told me that she worried I would sneak into her room at night and kill her. This I would have never done, but she was convinced I intended her harm. I can't recall everything about that time in my life but I recall enough. I use to fantasize about hurting my sisters (and others) and use to do things to hurt insects and sometimes animals, though mostly insects. I rarely acted out but when I did it was concerning. I use to purposefully do things to get my younger sister in trouble and then would really enjoy it when she did. Or I would mangle her things on purpose, especially things that made her happy. I knew this was "bad", that I was "bad" but it felt good because I felt like I could control things finally, when in life I had no control over anything it seemed. When I recall how I was feeling when I was little the first emotion I felt was anger, followed by confusion, sadness, and a general empty feeling and not being loved.

Some of the memories of my childhood were triggered because of this article being posted on FB. Here is the video in the article. You may have seen this on TV in the 90's. I remember watching it.

Thankfully, I wasn't as bad as this little girl. When I watched this video back when it first aired my mom was there watching it with me. That is when she told me that when I was little she was scared like this girl's parents were, scared I would kill her in her sleep. It was quite eye opening to me at the time. It still is.

When I really looked at how I was when I was little, when I contacted my feelings, it concerned me. I saw very clearly a part of me that exists that is really, really dark. How that part of me did not turn into a psychopath I don't know. You may say I lucked out, but that isn't true. I remember recognizing in myself this darkness and purposefully suppressing it. When I first "saw" it I thought, "I'm bad. I'm evil. I wish I was dead." Then I later realized I could control it and I could be "good" if I just held it back and resisted the urge to act on it. It worked.

This darkness gets enjoyment in hurting or scaring others. It makes me feel powerful and in control. Yucky but then rejecting it does nothing to fix it. Suppressing serves only to bury it.

So how then does this suppressed tendency in me have anything to do with the above dream? I'm not completely sure. I do not feel the urge to hurt others like I did as a child. It is rare that I ever have rage such as that. Perhaps somehow my lack of concern of hurting my husband is connected to this inner darkness?

It is possible that all the things that sent me into emotional disturbance as a child have never really been addressed. I did have therapy as a child, but only for a short time and I hardly remember any of it. I remember one of my mom's concerns was that I had been sexually abused. To her relief it was determined through therapy that I had not been. My mom was advised to move me away from my father and it seemed to work. I was "cured". Yet I noticed that my overall personality shifted dramatically after we moved. I went from bold, aggressive, adventurous and fearless to fearful, withdrawn and cautious.

Ultimately, this morning has me very pensive about all of the above. I am being shown for a reason. It doesn't mean I am bad or evil. It just is and I accept that I have a dark side. I have recalled enough lives to know what results when I let that side of me rule. It is obvious that this part of me is the source of all my inner struggles, my depression, and general unhappiness. Perhaps in looking at it more closely, in inspecting the emotion and beliefs behind it, I will unlock something inside myself that will correct this internal struggle that seems to have always been.

Finally, I continue to feel as if my guidance has been and continues to encourage me to inspect my current relationship. There are continuing signs along with the dream and messages that indicate inspection is needed.

I've been watching the show Supernatural for a while now. I'm on season 11 and lately the message coming through it has been, "Follow your heart." Hahaha There is always the battle between good and evil going on and the further along I get the more muddled the two become. In a sense it is funny as the show shadows my own lessons and realizations in regards to self-understanding and good/evil duality patterns. Sometimes I think I am shown all that I am shown not to make a change but just to be aware of it. Actually, that may be the only purpose. So much goes on under the surface of this life, behind-the-scenes, that just gaining awareness can initiate huge changes in self. Other times I think the things that happen to me are just tests to see how I will react. Like I am just playing a game of chance and placing bets with my soul family as to how I will react. It could be I am being reminded of my screwed up childhood to show myself just how far I've come in beating the odds. Compared to one of my past lives (psychopath is an understatement) I would say I have been triumphant in this one. lol