Caught in the Middle

Today has started off rocky. It's days like today that blogging helps the most.

Saturday

I'll start from the beginning.

Saturday I ran the Harvest Wine Run located just down the road from my Mom's house. The night before I had gone to a fancy, all expenses paid, dinner party hosted by my husband's employer. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea and had a good time. Unfortunately, my body rejected the drink later on and I ended up puking before bed. Guess all the clean eating and health conscious decision over the last six weeks has made my body super sensitive. Thankfully I only had one and a tiny bit of another drink so there wasn't any dehydration or other side effects.

The day of the run I was tired and did not feel 100%. It was also hotter than expected with 60% humidity. It was suppose to be a 5K but my watch said it was only 2.5 miles by the time I hit the finish line. I was super grateful, though, because I was feeling way overheated. It took me a half hour to get my heart rate into normal limits. I think I may have been on the verge of heat exhaustion! The run affected me the rest of the day. I was tired, super thirsty and could not concentrate. When I checked my heart rate during the run the average was 181 with it hitting 192 toward the end. No wonder I felt so awful after!

We spent the afternoon visiting my mom. When we arrived she was not there so I waited inside drinking water and continuing to cool down. My sister and her husband had just woken up (it was noon) and seemed surprised that we were there.

Not long after my brother-in-law (and cousin) came out of their bedroom asking my sister, "Where's the weed?" She answered him but I can't remember what she said because I was thinking, "Did he just say 'weed'?" He then came out of the room holding a glass pipe and a bag of weed, looked directly at me and said, "Do you want to smoke some weed with us?" He even dangled the weed out in front of him so I could see it, almost like he was bragging about it. My sister looked at me expectantly as she walked over to join him. I said, "No" and I'm sure I sounded shocked because I was. He went outside saying, "I'll be in the car." My sister sat down to put on her shoes. I sat there thinking, "Why are they putting me in this situation?" My sister asked me again if I wanted to go outside and smoke with them even saying, "Don't you still smoke?" I said, "No, not in a long time, over a decade." I am sure my face showed her my shock because I was still recovering and wondering what to do. I finally asked her, "Does mom know you're smoking pot?" She said, "No. Why? Are you going to tell her about it?" Her tone was aggressive and downright nasty. I looked at her and said, "I don't.....think so." I couldn't look at her. I couldn't confront her with her being nasty like that. I was still shocked and so exhausted from the run that I just sat there feeling numb to it all.

For several hours I remained out of it, too exhausted to really think clearly about everything and still muddling over what I now knew but didn't want to know. I still can't help but wonder why the hell they would do that, blatantly hold up the pipe and weed and announce it to me. Did they really think it was cool? Were they really proud of themselves? Maybe they expected me to go smoke with them? Maybe they thought I wouldn't tell if I smoked with them? Maybe they thought I didn't care that they were living with my mom, someone who is against illegal activities of any kind, especially drug use. And I was upset. Upset because I had sworn to stay out of the whole drama there, to keep my opinion to myself and let my mom handle it all and now it seemed like they were purposefully trying to draw me in.

I eventually told my husband and it was obvious that my upset was not unfounded because he also became concerned. Unethical was the word he used. Disrespectful is the word I used. He insisted I do something about it - confront my sister, give her a chance to come clean and if she didn't then tell my mom. I couldn't do anything, though. I was too exhausted and couldn't handle an all-out confrontation like that. I just wanted to go home.

In case you have forgotten or don't know, my sister and BIL have been living with my mom and step-dad for months because they got kicked out of the house for not paying the rent. Since then my sister lost her job and my BIL has not been working. Most recently there has been unrest. They were kicked out for a few days for various reasons, mostly because they were not doing what they promised. My mom has talked to me quite a bit about how she feels "conned" and how she knows they are lying to her. I listen but stay out of it. It's a whole nasty mess of shit to put it nicely.

Today

I managed to avoid the issue all weekend but today, today it seems to be all that's on my mind. I know I need to do something but I struggle to know what the right thing is mostly because I cannot seem to keep a part of myself from wanting my sister and BIL to "get what they are due". I want to make a decision based upon love and wanting the best for everyone. Yet no matter what resolution I come up there is always a darker part of me that comes out. Either I distrust my sister or I feel justice needs to be served.

So I spoke to my husband about it. I told him I didn't trust myself to handle the situation. I am afraid of confronting my sister, afraid of hurting her and of being the person that starts a whole shit storm. Yet I love my mom, too, and do not think it right that she is being taken advantage of and lied to like this. She deserves to know. My husband suggested a family meeting. He called my mom and set it up for tonight.

After he told me it was handled I broke down in tears. Not because I am angry but because I want everyone to be happy and do not want to be the person in the middle seeming to ruin everything. I am sad that my sister and BIL continue to make stupid decisions and continue to lie and manipulate my mom. I am sad because they thought I would approve of them bringing pot into my mom's house. It seemed as if they thought nothing at all about it. Like they were triumphant for getting away with it. I am sad because I don't understand why they are like they are. I have no reality whatsoever with how they live their life.

While I was crying I realized just how different my reaction to this situation is. Ten years ago, had the same thing happened, I would have been angry, spiteful and determined to make them pay. I would not have thought twice about going straight to my mom and telling her everything. My guidance wanted me to notice this change in myself. Why was I crying? Because I love my mom and my sister and my cousin and my step-father and my little nephew. Because I know this news will devastate my mom. Because I am thinking with my heart and not my Ego. Because I am still too attached to them to not be affected by this.

Message: Forget the Past and Future

I find it interesting that last night I had a dream that was very odd. In it I was with a man as we drove to a mobile home. Inside I waited for him on the sofa. He was talking about a trampoline and I saw that it was attached to the front door of the home to deter thieves. When he finally was able to spend time with me he kissed me. While we kissed he was saying, "All that matters is the present. Forget the past and future." The second part repeated over and over, "Forget the past and future" and in my mind I saw the roots of a tree begin to take over the entire inside of the mobile home. They twisted and curled up and around until all I could see were loops of wooden roots. In my mind I saw very clearly, "Present". When I saw it my chakras began to light up in succession and I was filled with the Kundalini energy to the point of waking up. It just got too intense.

So it seems that this message was to help me with today reminding me of just how important it is to stay in present time. To think of the past will bring up resentment and other upsets. This helps no one. To think too far in the future insights worry and concern for what might be which also helps no one. The present is the only place where I will be able to make a true heart centered decision.