Let Go of Everything

Lately I've been having emotional surges. Yesterday there were quite a few of them toward evening. They are not welcomed because they are the same kind I've had all year - a deep, penetrating sadness and heartache.

One particularly intense one was triggered by a song that was being sung in a show I was watching. It was so beautiful and the minute I recognized it's beauty tears started to flow. My thought was, "It's so beautiful." Then the tears came so hard and fast I couldn't breathe. My heart aching as is the norm. My guide said to me, "You are beautiful." This only caused me to cry more. I heard more, more about accepting love, feeling worthy of love, being the love the I am. Most of what I heard is lost to me because I was so overcome by emotion. I remember acknowledging that I missed the feeling of being utterly open and vulnerable yet at the same time completely safe and without fear. I miss feeling that connection with another and somehow equate that connection with the feeling. With the connection gone the feeling is gone and I know I will never experience it again. The certainty that I have permanently lost it is what grieves me so.

When I was questioning why these emotional surges continue to occur, my thoughts went to the process that has been going on since 2015. It's not yet complete. In recognizing this I became inconsolable with the thought that it will never end. Even in that moment the love I felt was unbearable. To feel the love at all is painful. In fact, all it seems to be is pain.

I had at least five or six of these outbursts, each of them lasting only a few minutes but the ache in my heart grew each time. Near bedtime I was shutting down my computer when a post on FB caught my eye. It was from the Walk-In group I am still a part of but no longer participate in. A link was provided and I clicked on it. What I read pulled me in. It described exactly how I've been feeling for a while now:

1. Feeling of "something is missing"
2. Unexplainable crying felt in the heart center
3. Feeling of being let down and being denied
4. An overwhelming feeling of negativity through your counterparts
5. Feeling drained
6. Quicker aging (Feeling older than my years)
7. Inability to meditate
8. Inexpiable anxiety/energies
9. Loss of inspiration
10. Neediness coming through your counterparts neediness
11. A feeling of unhealthy stickiness while communicating with them
12. A feeling of being "done"
13. Facing you are not supported through your love anymore
14. A culmination of unwanted harsh thoughts (toward myself)
15. Feeling no love for your counterparts as they "disappeared" out of your reach because you moved on
16. Cut off from compassion towards your Twin  counterpart

The article is obviously about twin flames. I am not going to say this is an accurate description for me and my experience as the definition of a twin flame is so convoluted that to use the term leads to too many preconceptions and misunderstandings. All I will say is that the feelings described above are what I am experiencing, all except for a few that is, which I crossed out. 

I found it interesting that this article suggests we have more than one counterpart. This I have been told but never fully understood. 

Though the entire article does not resonate with me, aspects of it does. Specifically, I was drawn to the YouTube link to a video about Energetic Cord Cutting & Kathara Grid Healing. The woman in the video drew me in. I don't know why, really, but I was especially drawn to her eyes. The eyes are the mirror to the soul they say and this has been true for me regarding the strong soul connections I have had in this lifetime. When I have a soul connection to someone I am drawn deeply into their eyes to the point that I do not want to look away. 

I have never heard of Kathara Grid Healing or Keylontic Science but I completed the entire healing sequence in the video. I felt little to nothing from it, but the urge to complete it was strong so I ignored my doubts. Throughout the healing process I was asking for help, desperate to be free from the pain I feel is the direct result of a connection that no longer should be. This healing promised to finally cut the cords. Permanently. I have cut a cord before. It was to my solar plexus. This time, I found two - one connected to my heart and the other to my sacral plexus. I wonder if that means all my lower chakras have such cords? I don't know. Probably. I wouldn't be surprised. 

I fell asleep doubting that the process would do me any good but still asking for help. 

Dream: Let Go of Everything

I woke several time in the night. The first two were sudden and my eyes were wet with tears. I had been crying but don't know why. The final time I awoke it was from a dream. I had been crying in it, too.

The dream is hazy now but the first thing I recall is talking to someone and drinking beer (looking for happiness/peace). I was not myself in the dream but felt to be both male and female. The male side of me was observing a woman I know from this life. She often appears in my dreams. She was my best friend from high school. In the dream she had moved on from her relationship with the male version of me and had become close with another girl I knew from high school. This girl was one I disliked and who also disliked me. 

This male version of me was taken to some beautiful places. I only recall now seeing a lush garden and feeling peaceful. This male version opted to go to another place, though, and soon we were visiting a familiar gym (learn from lessons of the past). I remember saying, "I recall the last time I was here." There were memories of a Halloween (death) festival and it made this version of me smile. Then I (as him) visited with my old best friend. When she saw him she was horrified. The feeling was that she had been happy away from this version of me, had moved on with her life and was happy. Now, seeing me, she was concerned I would bring the past back and cause her upset. 

Then I (as him) was in the locker room. There I saw the locker (physical limitations) of my best friend and next to it another locker of her friend. This part if hazy but I remember looking for a drinking fountain (emotional refreshment) and going toward a hall that had been partially blocked by student desks. I encountered some girls and asked them if a drinking fountain was inside. They said yes. Inside I found a gym but the end of it had been flooded with water (emotional devastation) and was in disrepair. Then I saw the drinking fountain was not inside but next to the lockers. 

I went back to the lockers and opened my best friend's locker, pulling out a white, beaded purse (identity and sense of self, secrets, hidden self). My best friend entered. I remember talking to her as the female version of myself. I also spoke to the male version of myself. I said, "You need to accept things as they are. If you don't, you will have to do it all over again in another life. That means I will, too, and I don't want to do this again, do you? Accept it as is." 

I began to cry and it woke me up. I did not continue crying once I woke but a song was going through my head. Over and over I heard, "Let go. Let go. Let go of everything." The full song is below, but the part I heard is at the very end.

I don't know if the dream is a reflection of the karma I have with this best friend or if it symbolic of karma in general. I have long assumed that she and I were likely partners in another life, though I have not recalled any lives with her. It may be that this other high school classmate was also involved. 

When I woke I was not thinking about high school or my ex-best friend. I was thinking of my counterpart as the message from the song kept repeating in my head. The thought came to me that perhaps I was being asked to move on from the experience like I would from any similar experience. For example, when I left my ex-husband I left everything related to him behind. I had nothing to remind me of him except a few pictures that I never looked at. Eventually he became nothing but a distant memory and now when I think of him I only wish him well and do not concern myself with following up with him or keeping track of his life. Once part of my family, he is now a stranger to me again.

With the memory I thought that perhaps I need to do the same with this recent chapter of my life. Perhaps I need to completely disconnect? Perhaps I need to do something physical to severe the connection. Something like delete saved emails and files. Anything that links back to the connection must go. Otherwise, it is still there and it will take longer for me to be free. 

As I consider doing the above I am hesitant. My memories are mostly in saved emails. If I were to delete everything from that time, then I would also need to look at deleting many other things like artwork and Light Language transmissions, too, because to disconnect from that connection I would also need to disconnect from the person that I was back then. She would need to be eliminated completely as if she never existed. That version of me already seems like a dream anyway, so maybe it would not be hard to do?

And I would gladly do all of it to get free of this misery permanently. In fact, I wish I could wipe my memory clean starting the summer of 2014 up until January this year. I wish. I wish. 

In writing all of this, I realize the very fact that I wish to forget all of it suggests I still have a lot of work to do. I won't be able to heal if I don't confront and accept it. Like the dream message I gave to myself, "Accept it as is." If I don't, the lesson will not be learned and it will repeat. 

Then there is the music message - Let go of everything. How? I think I have, I feel good and the future no longer looks/feels bleak, and then stuff like this happens and I am right back to square one.