Living Life in Between

Butterfly visit yesterday - 10/10/2017 Woke early this morning at around 5:30am with no dream recall whatsoever. Super tired, I rolled over to try and return to sleep despite hearing tiny footsteps on the stairs outside my room. Dream: Injured Cat I was in a garage (period of inactivity in my life) with my mom about to get into the car to go somewhere. It felt like early morning. My mom told me my brother was checking on an injured cat (feminine spirit, sexuality) he saw in the road that had been hit by a car. He was going to take it to the vet and see if he could save its life. I remember thinking, "My brother the cat hero" or something like that and thinking about how he always did have a big heart. In my mind I saw the cat - gray with thick fur and wrapped in a towel. It reminded me of one of my mom's cats that recently died, attacked in the night by some animal and left in my mom's front yard for her to find in the morning, entrails strewn all over. Dr...

The energy is intense again, but not in the usual (spiritual) way. I woke up yesterday morning feeling a strong urge to do something about my current situation. This is the third or fourth time I've woke up with this feeling. Usually I wake early and then can't return to sleep because my mind is so active. This morning the thought going through my mind was, "I've got to get out" and it took me a while to calm down and stop that thought from superseding everything. A couple of nights ago my guide told me, "Everything will be clear in the morning." I wonder now if this is what he was referring to? It is not often that I wake up with such a strong inclination for change and this morning things are already pointing to changes on the horizon. My sister's camper "present" Change is Afoot When I checked my phone upon waking there was a message from my mom to me and two of my siblings. She spent an evening in the ER and was informing u...

Seriously tired of crying - in my dreams, when I'm meditating, when I have down time/alone time.......crying in general! I never know what will set me off, either. Sometimes it is beautiful things, sometimes sad things, other times it's memories, and then sometimes I have no idea why I'm crying. If I'm busy, I'm good to go. Stay occupied = no crying. Got it. But the minute I'm alone and unoccupied then my heart grows heavy and I get all sappy and weak-like and usually end up crying either a little or a lot. UGH! Then, lucky me, I get to cry in my dreams!!!!!!!!!! No, it's not an all-the-time thing, thankfully, but it happens enough still that it is bothersome. I'm getting a bit grumpy/angry about it now. Dreams When I woke at 6:15am I had no memory of my dreams and fell back to sleep. When I woke again I was in tears, full-on sobbing, but suddenly had an entire night's worth of dream recall. School dream with burning car - Dreamed I was i...

The energy is weird. It started October 1st and has just continued. Full moon maybe? I didn't even realize the full moon was so close until today. On October 1st toward the evening I began to feel like nothing I did or ever could do would matter or change my future. It was such a helpless feeling but interestingly enough it came with an unburdening. My shoulders felt lighter and I exhaled relief. I can't remember now what I was thinking prior to this feeling. Probably trying to sort out my future, to make decisions about the direction I wish to go. Then on the 2nd the news of the Las Vegas shooting came and I wondered if maybe the gunman (or gunmen) felt some of what I felt on the 1st? Maybe he just felt so hopeless he lost his mind? Maybe he figured he would do something drastic since nothing else seemed to make a difference? Makes me glad that I relaxed into the feeling and let it unburden me. Dreams For both the 1st and the 2nd I had strange dreams and woke up cry...

Lately I've been having emotional surges. Yesterday there were quite a few of them toward evening. They are not welcomed because they are the same kind I've had all year - a deep, penetrating sadness and heartache. One particularly intense one was triggered by a song that was being sung in a show I was watching. It was so beautiful and the minute I recognized it's beauty tears started to flow. My thought was, "It's so beautiful." Then the tears came so hard and fast I couldn't breathe. My heart aching as is the norm. My guide said to me, "You are beautiful." This only caused me to cry more. I heard more, more about accepting love, feeling worthy of love, being  the love the I am. Most of what I heard is lost to me because I was so overcome by emotion. I remember acknowledging that I missed the feeling of being utterly open and vulnerable yet at the same time completely safe and without fear. I miss feeling that connection with another and someh...

I wasn't going to post publicly this morning but when I logged into FB a picture popped up from 1 year ago today. I cannot believe it has been 1 year since I drove from Texas to Tennessee to attend a spiritual gathering. I spent over a week there. It was probably the most transformative week of my life but memories of it leave me with mixed feelings now. A question keeps going through my mind: "If you could go back to that period in time, would you change anything?" My first thought is: YES. I wouldn't have gone. Period. Had I known what I know now I would have stayed in Texas despite the intense urge I had to go to the gathering. Then I feel this feeling that says to me, "Are you sure?" I know why I am being asked this. The transformation I went through (might still be going through) would never have occurred. Additionally, the ending that it incited would not have occurred. It may have been drawn out for months, it could even still be on-going. ...

So the family drama saga continues..... The day after the cat was let out of the bag I received FB messages from my sister. Here is a screenshot of one of her loving communications with me: At first I couldn't tell whether she was mad or making a joke because she sent the funny cartoon and then seemed to make a joke. I don't like messenger or text so kept my reply short but then she sent another graphic of a woman laughing. Again, not sure what her tone was I opted to not reply. Then she started going off and it was obvious what her tone was, as you can see for yourself. So I asked her to call me. I actually didn't read anything past my message and kept cleaning up breakfast but she wrote more and threatened to expose my "secrets" to my mom. So, I picked up the phone and called her. My mom answered, oblivious to what was going on. I quickly explained and she handed the phone to my sister who answered with, "What do you want?" I told her tha...