Another Visit
This visit was less lucid than the other one. I dreamed of my grandfather's funeral. My family and I were walking outside along a street lined with shops and stores. My grandfather's funeral was to be held in one of the shops off the street. There was a display window that was blacked out and a door leading into the store. I did not want to go in. I don't like viewing bodies. I saw children's toys near the side in a waiting area and sent my daughter to play. I stayed outside watching my family line up and go inside. I then remembered that my grandfather's body had been cremated and was relieved. I still did not go in. As people began coming out of the building I greeted them and listened to their upset. I did not feel upset, I felt uncomfortable. I hate funerals.
I don't recall all that I said to everyone. I remember seeing my Nanny and how frail she looked. She was very upset and in shock. I remember standing there as if I were out of place and looking at the toys and waiting area. There were ride on toys and dolls. It seemed so inviting.
The dream ends there, or so it seemed to anyway. I do not remember exactly what happened next except that I was talking to my grandfather and others, my guides I think. I was in a completely whited out space. It was brilliant white but did not hurt my eyes and did not feel uncomfortable. It was a calming, peaceful place.
Something about this space caused me to become more lucid. In this lucid state I felt as if I were floating and saw around me the brilliant white and felt surrounded by beings, again I think they were my guides and my grandfather. I did not see these beings, though, only felt them. The brilliance of the space brought me back to consciousness very quickly. Before I came back into my body I was able to catch a glimpse of the place where I was floating. It was brilliant white but there was something floating all around me, as if it were snowing, but it was not snow. When this stuff fell/floated around me, it glistened and I could see silver and yellow light glance off of it. But the stuff was not metal. In fact, it seemed to be feathers or clouds. Clouds I think it was. Little pieces of white, cotton candy clouds spread out all around me reflecting a silver and yellow light in all directions.
When I was fully conscious I found myself in my body and kept my eyes closed, sensing my guide very close. I instantly knew the healing I had asked for before bed had been given. I felt calm and peaceful. I tried to hang on to what I had just seen and experienced. When I did, I instantly thought of my grandfather and began to cry. I miss him so!
The guide who was with me began to speak to me. Through my own thoughts of my grandfather I heard him say, "My name is Johnathan" and then I heard him say, "And this is..." he said the name of a woman but I lost her name even though I repeated it after he told it to me. He said, "We are here to help you". I acknowledged him, fighting to stay conscious as I was very tired and still wanted to think of my grandfather. I wanted to go back to my dream and find him; talk to him. The male guide was familiar - young, with short cropped brown hair and a big smile. He looked younger than me! And all I saw was his face, no body no arms, legs - just a face. It was only there briefly.
Then there was a thought about my grandfather and I was asked, "Why did you not cry?" I knew this question was directed at my past, at the time when my grandfather died and I went to the funeral. I saw replayed in my mind how I barely showed emotion and spent most of the funeral attending to my family members, listening to them and helping them cope. I was oddly very calm throughout, until I had to go view his body. I hate looking at dead bodies! They lay there cold and dead, all life, all soul gone from them.
I replied to the question that I didn't need to cry.
At this time I felt that my grandfather was with them, though standing to the side. Was he the fourth guide? The new guide recently to show up to my left?
Johnathan was there again and asked me a question. He asked, "What do you remember?" He wanted me to recall what I had just been doing/discussing in my dreams, when I was floating in the white, fluffy, cotton candy clouds.
I remembered easily, though I don't know how. It just popped into my mind. I don't remember the exact wording I used now, but in a nutshell we were discussing how the people in my family hold in our emotions. We don't show how we feel to others, especially feelings that may consider us "weak". When we are depressed, sad, lonely or scared, we keep it to ourselves and put on a show to others that we are "okay" and "strong". In other words, we suffer in silence.
I knew this is what my grandfather did in life. I instantly knew he had suffered through so much in silence. I knew no one had known how much pain he went through. How much he hurt and how much pain, emotional and physical, he had.
I heard a quiet voice say, "You did".
At that moment, a memory I'm not even sure is mine comes into my mind. I see myself, a small child, shoulder length blonde hair, climbing into my grandfather's lap. I am hugging him and laughing.
I gave him joy.
The memory fades and I realize my grandfather's folly is my own. He was by far much more stubborn and proud than I am but I find myself doing exactly what he did in his life. I withdraw and hide my emotions from my family. I pretend to be "okay". I suffer in silence most of the time, my husband unaware of what is really going on within me. I keep up the front that all is well. If I feel my secret will be discovered I mask it with irritation and anger, lashing out for no reason when in fact I am terrified someone might find out. They might find out that I am vulnerable. That I am not perfect.
I loved my grandfather so much. I always saw behind his facade. To me, his anger was a slap in the face when he got mad at me, but it was always so seldom that I forgave him. As I got older and so did he I saw a vulnerable old man, huge and powerful yet trembling like a child as he faced his own death. To me, he was beautiful and fragile in so many ways before he died and, if I look back at my own memories of him from my youth, I realize I saw him that way then, too. He always softened when I gave him a hug or kiss. That was the real him, not the proud, stubborn, angry man of which his children tell stories.
Message
The full message I am getting is still settling in. I feel I am being shown through the perspective of my grandfather what is important and what isn't. My pride is not important, that is for sure. Why is being vulnerable such a bad thing? What is so bad about letting someone you love know how you feel? What is so bad about asking for help? For a hug? For a time out? How is anger helping?
Most importantly I think that my grandfather just wants me to know that he loves me, that he understands and that he wants to help. I also keep hearing that what I am going through right now is not permanent. I feel there are new beginnings awaiting me if I can just get through this tough time.
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