It Will Pass
It WILL pass.
I had difficulty falling asleep again last night. It is no surprise considering the stressful day I had. Plus, I am reading a book that keeps me very awake and interested. I don't want to put it down. Thinking my book choice is probably not the best for reading before bed. In case you are wondering what book, I am reading The Hunger Games.
When I finally fell asleep it was a fitful sleep. I kept waking up. Not too much, but more than is my usual.
I don't remember many of my dreams before the final grouping of dreams, but the ones I do remember are pretty intense.
Jury Duty
The first dream I recall was one about being called for jury duty. I don't remember the specifics of the dream until I am actually called for duty. I remember being very upset about it. I told a woman that I did not feel I should have to go; that they had put my name on the list on purpose and so it was a plot to force me to do something I did not want to do. I was told I had to attend or else I would face charges. I threw a verbal tantrum, yelling and acting very childish.
I was taken to a small white house to report for jury duty. When I went in, the house was empty except for a few couches and sofas. I laid down on one, waiting for people to arrive. My hostility weakened and I remember laying there and recognizing the peacefulness of the situation. I especially noted that I was alone and it was quiet. I reveled in the silence.
During this time I have a strange nothingness feeling, like I am zoning out. This occurs throughout my dreams and almost feels as if I am doing something energetically, but it is hard to explain as I have never been conscious of it before in my dreams.
Then other people began arriving as did the woman who initially told me about my jury duty. I remember how she looked and she looked very similar to the female guide I often see in my dreams. I asked her again about my being on the list, very upset to have to be there. She got out the list and showed me that my name was there at the bottom. I could read it very clearly. It was written on lined paper and in spot number 16.
I went back to my spot on the couch, awaiting whatever it was we were suppose to be doing. Another young woman sat on the sofa next to me. She was wearing blue and she laid to where her head was right up against my leg. I got very irritated that she was invading my space and moved over. She did not seem bothered at all by my actions, though.
Reflection/Interpretation
This is all that occurred during this dream. The only other aspect of it that I have not revealed is that the feeling of this purpose of this jury duty was related to my husband's religious beliefs and auditing. I do not remember talking about it, but the group, the jury members, were a part of this religion, as was I, though I was very upset to feel forced into this specific aspect of it, whatever it was.
My reflection upon it once I awoke was that I was stubbornly resisting getting auditing this December. I am suppose to. I have said I would, but the loss of my free time and the dedication of it, and, well, the fear of what I will stumble upon, has me back peddling. The really good part about it, though, is that when I have auditing I feel like I am getting a mini-vacation as I get to spend a whole bunch of time to myself, working on my self. I need this and in the dream I seem to recognize this, yet when I am told I have to do it, I stubbornly resist. The fact that I am being told I will be held accountable if I don't suggests that it is the right path for me. Also, the fact that I am on a jury suggests that I am too judgmental of this situation. I agree.
Gathering and Trip
The next dream is also not all there in my mind. I recall that I was with a group of people at a gathering in a different city. The specific city was San Francisco. I remember sitting with the group and my husband being there. We were all wearing white. We were discussing the trip/vacation my husband and I were on. It was very beautiful there and I recall feeling at ease.
The dream shifts and it seems like we are at a wedding. I remember traveling with my husband to another destination. We went up some stairs to a door. I opened it and looked outside. It was a balcony and it was sunny and warm. There were green vines and plants on the balcony and in the distance I could see the city buildings. It was very beautiful and fresh.
As I was stepping outside I saw an orange shape take form to my extreme left. I knew it was a dinosaur, specifically a raptor, a very deadly dinosaur. I retreated inside the door and told my husband not to go outside. I peaked out again and saw that the dinosaur had turned into this giant, orange cat. It was lurking around outside and very menacing. I turned to tell my husband not to go outside but he did anyway. The cat came at him and in my fear I tried to pull him inside. Instead, I slammed the door on the cat's huge, orange paw. My husband was still outside, though.
Somehow he got back inside and we were in a bedroom together. I don't remember much here except that I felt at home. I remember discussing moving to San Francisco and I was explaining how hard it would be. A woman reminded me that my husband could transfer and work there. I recalled that he could and was quite relieved. Then it seemed set that we would be staying there and leaving our old home behind.
Then we were outside on the veranda. The day was still beautiful and serene. I am with my husband and we are together under a tree. I recall we are preparing for our wedding. He takes off his shirt and under it his back is covered with dark, freckles. I remember thinking they were normal. Then the woman who was with us pointed out to the hills of San Francisco and I looked. Flying high over the hills was a hawk. I remember watching it for a while, as if to let the whole scene and our discussion sink in.
Interpretation
I feel this dream is about me reflecting on possibilities and looking at my fears and the obstacles I perceive that are ahead of me. Overall the dream had a good feeling to it, like things are not what they seem and that I have the ability to change things if I want to. The city San Francisco felt off to me and I kept thinking San Antonio instead. My husband and I will be taking a trip to San Antonio this weekend to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary. Perhaps this dream was reflecting upon that trip and the significance of it.
Visit from my Grandfather
As I watch the hawk soaring over the hills I hear my name called. I turn and look in the direction of the voice. I see my grandfather standing there looking just as he did when he was in his 60s. He is smiling and waiting for me.
I walked over to him. He is standing in front of a display of fine china. It is white with gold trim and looks very nice. He points to it and tells me it is my mother's china. I look at it closely and see that it is. It is very nice and in much better condition than I know it to be in real life. He then points out that all of it is there; a complete set. I don't think I have ever seen the whole set. I point out the gravy bowl and the butter dish, two pieces I remember my mom using a lot.
As I am looking at the china I see a photo amidst it. It is in the same white color with gold accents. I pick it up because it is a photo of me and my dog, Trooper. I stare at it and see that my mother is in the photo, too. Trooper is standing and leaning his front paws and head on my shoulder, as if hugging me. I am holding him and have this sad look on my face. As I stare at the photo I have no emotion. It stare at it a long time, reflecting on the expression on my face and how sick and sad Trooper looks.
I remember commenting to my grandfather about the picture. I turn and look at him. He is smiling and looks just as I remember. I hug him tight saying, "I missed you daddy". I can hear him chuckling and again it seems like I go into another "phase", my mind blank, almost as if I am merging two aspects of myself in that moment. It is as if time stands still here and again I get a strange feeling that I cannot describe, like I am zoning out in my dream or not all there.
I remember wanting to tell him something and trying to decide if I wanted to say it. Finally, I say it. "It has been so hard since you have been gone". When the word "hard" comes out of my mouth I begin choking back tears. I can feel his hand on my head and the warmth of his hug. I want to say so much more to him but I am completely overcome with emotion so much so that I slowly become more and more lucid. I wake myself up from the crying, my pillow wet and my nose clogged. The clock says 4:40am.
Reflection
This encounter with my grandfather brought out so much emotion. His visits are very few and far between. I remember calling him "daddy" and wonder about it but recognize that in life he was very much like a father more than a grandfather to me. I also realize that the china he shows me represents me. That I am still all there, a complete set, unbroken and unmarred - in perfect condition. My memory of my dog in the dream reminds me of my grief over his passing. I also recognize that the death of my dog marked the beginning of hard times for me. It has been a very difficult two years! Finally, I feel his visit was brought on by my state of being right now in life. He came because I needed reassurance and to know that all is not in vain. His message was to hang on and to be strong, that the things in my life that I am struggling with, though they may seem permanent and never ending, will change as all things do.
I am told as I reflect upon all these dreams, "It will pass" and am reminded of the how very temporary things in life really are. I briefly consider that all that is going on now in my life very could very well just be a dream that I have become overly obsessed and involved in. My reaction is a result of how ingrained I have become in life. The emotions I feel are as well. Very little remains constant in life. It will pass.
This gives me hope, though does not completely dissolve my anxieties about life. I will try, though, to remember the possibilities life holds. Life is made up of good and bad. The good seems to pass so quickly while the bad seems to go on forever. This is an illusion as all things pass away in their own time. It is what I fixate upon that seems never to end. If I look away, focus on something else, perhaps when I look back that which seemed never to end will be gone.
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