Living Life in Between

The energy is weird. It started October 1st and has just continued. Full moon maybe? I didn't even realize the full moon was so close until today. On October 1st toward the evening I began to feel like nothing I did or ever could do would matter or change my future. It was such a helpless feeling but interestingly enough it came with an unburdening. My shoulders felt lighter and I exhaled relief. I can't remember now what I was thinking prior to this feeling. Probably trying to sort out my future, to make decisions about the direction I wish to go. Then on the 2nd the news of the Las Vegas shooting came and I wondered if maybe the gunman (or gunmen) felt some of what I felt on the 1st? Maybe he just felt so hopeless he lost his mind? Maybe he figured he would do something drastic since nothing else seemed to make a difference? Makes me glad that I relaxed into the feeling and let it unburden me. Dreams For both the 1st and the 2nd I had strange dreams and woke up cry...

Lately I've been having emotional surges. Yesterday there were quite a few of them toward evening. They are not welcomed because they are the same kind I've had all year - a deep, penetrating sadness and heartache. One particularly intense one was triggered by a song that was being sung in a show I was watching. It was so beautiful and the minute I recognized it's beauty tears started to flow. My thought was, "It's so beautiful." Then the tears came so hard and fast I couldn't breathe. My heart aching as is the norm. My guide said to me, "You are beautiful." This only caused me to cry more. I heard more, more about accepting love, feeling worthy of love, being  the love the I am. Most of what I heard is lost to me because I was so overcome by emotion. I remember acknowledging that I missed the feeling of being utterly open and vulnerable yet at the same time completely safe and without fear. I miss feeling that connection with another and someh...

I wasn't going to post publicly this morning but when I logged into FB a picture popped up from 1 year ago today. I cannot believe it has been 1 year since I drove from Texas to Tennessee to attend a spiritual gathering. I spent over a week there. It was probably the most transformative week of my life but memories of it leave me with mixed feelings now. A question keeps going through my mind: "If you could go back to that period in time, would you change anything?" My first thought is: YES. I wouldn't have gone. Period. Had I known what I know now I would have stayed in Texas despite the intense urge I had to go to the gathering. Then I feel this feeling that says to me, "Are you sure?" I know why I am being asked this. The transformation I went through (might still be going through) would never have occurred. Additionally, the ending that it incited would not have occurred. It may have been drawn out for months, it could even still be on-going. ...

So the family drama saga continues..... The day after the cat was let out of the bag I received FB messages from my sister. Here is a screenshot of one of her loving communications with me: At first I couldn't tell whether she was mad or making a joke because she sent the funny cartoon and then seemed to make a joke. I don't like messenger or text so kept my reply short but then she sent another graphic of a woman laughing. Again, not sure what her tone was I opted to not reply. Then she started going off and it was obvious what her tone was, as you can see for yourself. So I asked her to call me. I actually didn't read anything past my message and kept cleaning up breakfast but she wrote more and threatened to expose my "secrets" to my mom. So, I picked up the phone and called her. My mom answered, oblivious to what was going on. I quickly explained and she handed the phone to my sister who answered with, "What do you want?" I told her tha...

It's been quiet around here. My emotion related to family has subsided. Letting my husband handle it backfired on me, though. He scheduled the family meeting and then my paranoid step-father called him and demanded to know what it was all about. My husband had intentionally not said why he wanted the family meeting and my step-father thought it was something else and also began to spout off about doing "God's work". He is threatened by my husband and our beliefs. My husband gave in and told my step-father the real reason for the meeting and my step-father calmed down because it was not about him or what he thought. My step-father promised not to let the cat out of the bag. Not even an hour later my husband received a text that everyone in the house knew why the meeting was called and all hell was breaking loose. Turns out my step-father couldn't keep his mouth shut and blabbed. I don't know how it all happened exactly but I'm guessing he was just too an...

Today has started off rocky. It's days like today that blogging helps the most. Saturday I'll start from the beginning. Saturday I ran the Harvest Wine Run located just down the road from my Mom's house. The night before I had gone to a fancy, all expenses paid, dinner party hosted by my husband's employer. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea and had a good time. Unfortunately, my body rejected the drink later on and I ended up puking before bed. Guess all the clean eating and health conscious decision over the last six weeks has made my body super sensitive. Thankfully I only had one and a tiny bit of another drink so there wasn't any dehydration or other side effects. The day of the run I was tired and did not feel 100%. It was also hotter than expected with 60% humidity. It was suppose to be a 5K but my watch said it was only 2.5 miles by the time I hit the finish line. I was super grateful, though, because I was feeling way overheated. It took me a half ...

Yesterday was much better than the day before stress-wise. The morning was a bit bumpy because I had to drive out to my mom's area to pick up the packet for the 5K I will be running on Saturday. The drive itself seemed to up the stress level for some reason and I could feel the tell-tell signs of an anxiety attack begin to bubble up several times. Even my music was not helping. By the time I made it to the country I was better and the drive back there was no issue. On the drive I got to feel out the sensations a bit more and realized my heart chakra was the likely culprit. Someone once told me that anxiety is the result of repressed feelings; blocking ones self from feeling the uncomfortable - fear, grief, anger, etc. It's not just the result of worry. The thought crossed my mind that perhaps I have successfully blocked my heart chakra in order to protect myself from the intense grief episodes that were pummeling me earlier this year. So, as a means to test this, I purpose...