I am you
When I first heard them I thought they were confirmation that I had lost my mind. Eventually when I heard them I began to wonder what they meant. This was what I thought it meant only a few weeks ago:
Our guides are us, just the us that knows and remembers. They are a part of ourselves, or our energy (we are huge!) that is there to help us remember our path so we stay on it, etc. Think about it this way: when you play a game such as Monopoly or chess, you have a game piece that you move around and about the board. Well, our body is the game piece but a very sophisticated one - one that can rationalize and reason, remember and feel, etc. So, our body is the game piece and to make it more interesting we picked a body that was 1. alive or a biological being and 2. has reactive responses to life such as fear, anger, etc. These emotions are actually not something we as spiritual beings have much familiarity with - they come with the body (yes!) and 3. is able to contain large amounts of our energy without dying (rejecting us) or not being functional. The large amounts of energy we put into our body is Us as we are not - without memory of any other life but this one. Our guide is the rest of us that we can tap into if we could remember how.
Now the above is still true to me but now I have more pieces of the puzzle.
Today in auditing I was again flooded with joy and happiness. This time the feeling was so intense that it felt like my heart was going to burst out the top of my head. I had the strongest desire to go up. I, of course, suppressed the feeling, partly for fear of leaving my body right then and there - who knows what might happen if I did that! - and partly because I heard a voice from my right say, "No!"
The voice distracted me and made me question some things. It also reminded me of when I first met Steven and he helped me learn how to distinguish my own thoughts from those of spirit. I remember feeling so amazed at just how many spirits were interfering with my thoughts. Some were just playing - seeing if I could hear them and testing me. Others were more sinister and tried to purposefully put fear in my heart and create problems in my life. I wondered, was this voice I was hearing now while sitting in this auditing session, one of those more sinister voices? I felt confirmation from behind me and knew I was onto something.
At that moment the auditor asked me, "Where are you now?" I instantly replied, "Behind my body".
What a shocking answer! And it came from me!
It was at that moment that something clicked. All at once I remembered Steven saying, "I am you". All at once I recognized I was in two distinct places: in my body and all around my body but focused behind my body. And who is always behind me offering reassurance, love and support? Steven.
As it settled in, the joy in my heart intensified. It felt as if I had just remembered a long lost memory. But this memory was more. It was a piece of myself I was remembering. A piece of myself that I had forgotten. But why?
As soon as I asked the question in my mind I knew the answer. It was instantaneous. The part of me that lives my life, that is the me that everyone knows, is the me that I think I am suppose to be. It is the me that I was told I was by my family as I grew up. It is the me who suppressed certain aspects of herself to better fit into the mold society and my family/friends created for me.
I could see all at once all the times that I changed to suit someone else; all the times that I got a negative response for something that I did, I changed it. Why? I wanted to be "good". I wanted to be loved and acknowledged by my family. When I was myself they rejected me and I felt unloved and alone. Who wants to feel those things? So, over time, I lost my real self. It became hidden behind the facade that is "me".
Later in life, when I started searching and had questions and just felt "off", like something was not quite right in my life, I bumped into myself. That part of me was still very aware of the other part of me. It presented itself as a figure, a man, my Steven, and is, in a sense, very real.
Although quite confusing, it all makes perfect sense at the same time. At some point, a part of me fragmented away from my self in order to create a me that would survive in this body and do well in life. Unfortunately, the memory of that event is strung out over many years and it will take time to regain. But with that memory will come clarity. The clarity is the de-fragmentation of my self. I have already felt the beginnings of it. Tiny moments of complete and utter calmness and knowingness. It is beautiful. And I intend to get to the point where that calmness and clarity will stay. I intend to reunite myself with myself. I think I am on the right path, too.
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