Pure Joy
It began when my son was born. I had been warned by Steven that the time would come. I had asked one day, "When will I get back on my spiritual path?" Steven answered me with, "After your son is born". This was a good while before I even considered having two children. I believe that at the time I had just gotten pregnant with my daughter. As I usually do, I put the information on a mental "shelf" at the back of my mind and forgot about it. If I asked the question again, I got the same answer, so I just waited. I knew I would have a son one day, and sure enough, I did.
The day Orren was born my heart was full of love and joy like nothing I had ever imagined. I was so "high" on love for him that I couldn't sleep. I just wanted to look at him and be near him. If he cried I felt only compassion and understanding for him. I was more patient than I had ever been. I felt so good. The feeling stayed for a good six weeks, but the sleep deprivation got the best of me and I crashed.
Not long after I recovered from my lack of sleep, which took a good couple of months since Orren was not a good sleeper, I started having moments of sheer joy. They would come at the oddest of moments like when I was cleaning the kitchen or folding the laundry. One moment I would be doing some day-to-day routine and the next I would feel this welling up of joy and anticipation of something good from deep inside me. It always made me smile. But it always made me look for a reason why. I could never find one. Since I couldn't find one I would suppress the feeling, thinking it was spirit sending me something. In my mind, there was no reason why the feeling could be mine, so it must be spirit's.
The feeling would go away with the thought that it wasn't mine, but it didn't stay away. It became more frequent. Sometimes three times a week, sometimes a couple times a day. It intrigued me. What was this feeling? Where did it come from? Why was I having it?
Sometimes I let the feeling stay and just enjoyed it. I smiled and went with it. Why not? It was pleasant. It felt nice.
Other times I just rejected it. There was no reason for it. There had to be a reason for it!
Recently I started auditing at the Church of Scientology. After a session the feeling of joy and happiness came again. This time I realized something. The feeling was mine! And not only was it a feeling that came from within me, but it was a feeling I use to have a long, long time ago. It was the feeling of childhood!
I giggled and the feeling stayed. I tried to rationalize the feeling again, though. The more I tried to find a reason for it, the less I felt it. Not good. It was about that time that I realized that I had a belief that was messing with my happiness. The belief: You have to have a reason to be happy.
What a crock! If you have to have a reason to be happy then you will always end up limiting your happiness. Happiness doesn't come from a reason, it comes from within, it comes from one's core. We are happiness!
Children are happy. They come into life with such joy and they put joy in the hearts of the people they come into contact with. Both my children do this for me. Orren especially. He is the light of my life. His smile gives me instant joy.
Since realizing I don't need a reason to feel the feeling of happiness and joy, I have had the feeling stay. There is still the fear that I will lose it because life will snatch it away from me, but I am working on that. I have been able to bring the feeling forth since my last auditing session and I hope to one day have the feeling all the time. A return to childhood innocence and joy is one the most sought after things in adult life - many adults will look longingly at their childhood and wish to have that feeling back. I use to do that. I now feel I have opened up a part of myself that has been suppressing that joy for a long time. It is finally coming back!
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