Look

Something amazing happened to me today! While in an auditing session (I am currently getting auditing at the Austin Church of Scientology) I felt some things that I had not felt in several years! It was amazing and at the same time a little overwhelming. 

I was following a command by my auditor to "look" at something I wouldn't mind looking at. Simple enough, I thought. So I started looking. As soon as I "looked" I felt energy come up my left leg. I ignored it. It was nothing, I thought. But the feeling remained. I continued to answer the question (in auditing you may answer the same question many times). As I kept looking and stating what I wouldn't mind looking at I felt the urge to look to my left. I felt a familiar energy there, the feeling of love and acceptance I get whenever I connect with my guide. I ignored it because I didn't want it to interfere. But it didn't go away. In fact, it got more pronounced, almost as if someone were standing there saying, "Look over here! Stop ignoring us!"

I continued to ignore the feeling and focused on the question. This time, though, the energy I felt in my leg move up to my chest and it felt HUGE. It was as if my heart chakra was about to fly out of my chest. This is not a bad feeling - it feels wonderful, actually. My heart didn't speed up or anything, I just felt.....happy. I stopped at that point, near tears from the overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance I felt. The joy just flooded out of me in my tears. I also got a little frightened because the whole time I am getting the message to look to my right where I became very aware of a group of spirits, more spirits than I have felt around me in a very long time. I lost count of how many were there but I could see their faces and the outlines of their form. They stood in this bluish haze and they sent such love and their message was that I was on the right path. I knew something amazing had happened! The fear came from a longing to leave and join them, almost like what I would think one would feel when they died and were going to the Other Side. So I had this very real fear of dying, even though the message I got from them was that I was safe and that if I did leave my body that I would not lose my body but only experience something profound.

As overwhelmed as I was, I tried to ignore the feeling, mainly because I didn't know what to do at that moment. The feeling stayed with me, though. The feeling was one of utter calm and peace, joy and happiness, that centered feeling so many people seek to find in meditation and may find but then lose as soon as they stop. This feeling stayed for a good 30 minutes.

With the feeling came a knowing that I cannot explain in words. I knew that this feeling went with the real me.  The me that was not tied down by the physical universe or controlled by the day to day struggles to survive. Everything seemed so easy! It was as if a veil had been lifted and behind it I was able to see truth. The unfortunate part of it was that I was also able to see the lies, the lies that I live by, the illusions that create a part of me that I don't much like. How difficult to see both sides of yourself so clearly! I felt ashamed and at peace all at the same time! Ashamed of what I had done in this life; the things I have done or said or not done or said that just aren't true to my being. At peace because I knew that those things were not significant in the overall bigger picture. At peace because I knew, that if I kept working at it, I could have the calm and knowing with me all the time. The feelings that flooded through me were so intense that my auditor had to end the session to let me absorb it all. I am glad she did. There is a lot to absorb and I still have not absorbed it all!

I go back tomorrow and I am excited, more so than I have ever been. Before this experience, I really didn't think there was such a thing as being happy all the time. Yeah, I've been happy but it never lasted. There was always something that ruined it. Now I feel hope. Hope that I will be able to conquer my demons and control my life as I am meant to, without the selfish little devil part of me having its way. It won't be quick and it may take the rest of my life but at least now I know there is hope and that, if I look I will find myself waiting quietly to be recognized and if I keep looking that part of me will begin to be in control more and more, as it should be, and that other part will be a thing of the past.

I believe today was a big deal. I am grateful to Steven and all the others who were there applauding me. I felt celebrated and loved, like I was at a welcome home party. "Congratulations! You did it!" is a message I received.

Steven always says to me, "Look", now I know what for.