A Proposition

This morning while driving to work I had an odd thought/idea. I was thinking of my graduate studies. I am currently taking a class in abnormal human behavior. The class is reminding me of my studies in undergrad and how interested I was in psychology. I used it to help me better understand myself and it really did help me do that. Those memories brought me to thinking about psychotic breaks and schizophrenia and how, when I was going through the darkest parts of my life, after my spiritual awakening, I often thought I was going crazy. Then those thoughts brought me to a time in my life when I was helping a woman who thought she was spiritually gifted. She told me of her spiritual "friends", the voices she heard in her head. However, something was not right about this woman. She was "off". I remember that by the time we were done talking I knew she had a mental illness. I left her, hoping she would get help and not lose it completely and pitying her. I had tried to tell her what I thought, that I thought she needed to see someone to help her sort through what was going on, but she rejected the idea, convinced she was experiencing something divine. Perhaps she was, but it was pulling her out of this reality and making her confuse spiritual reality with this one. When a person can't distinguish one from the other, then they have entered into mental illness.

The separation between this reality and spiritual reality is very delicate. There is a reason most people never encounter the spiritual realms. To enter into them can wreak havoc on even the strongest of psyches. On top of this fragility, the spiritual realm has an allure to it that is very hard to resist and the mundane world is, well, mundane. It is so tempting to those of us who have connected with the spiritual realms to lose ourselves in the other reality that is offered there. It is a reality of no limitations, of freedom, happiness, joy and powerfulness. While here there is limitation, fear, uncertainty and powerlessness. When the two realms are side by side and able to be accessed by someone easily, it is essential that they remain balanced. They must know where they are, when they are and why they are there. The lessons the mundane world has to teach require that an individual do this. Most of us do not have the ability to remain balanced, to walk to line between the two realms, carefully balancing ourselves in the middle so as to not get caught up in one or the other. To do so would be disastrous to us and fault our lessons. That tightrope is hard to tread upon, but it can be done.

So back to the idea that I had this morning. It was as if I were asked if I wanted to explore further that which I had rejected out of fear many years ago. I was walking that tightrope between realities but I got scared when the spiritual reality became more important to me than the mundane one. The fear came from me knowing the dangers that my interest could produce. I knew at that time in my life that I could not resist the lure of the spiritual realm. I knew if I continued on the path I was on that I would choose the spiritual realm more and more and eventually be lost in it. What would the result have been? Insanity as it is defined in the mundane world.

In contemplating this, I did not yet consider that there had been a proposition made to me. The idea of again being more immersed in the spiritual realms excited me exponentially. Yet I immediately recognized the potential pitfalls that existed. Could I stay balanced? Could I resist the urge to immerse myself in a wonderful, loving, amazing and exciting place? Or would I fall victim to it and lose touch with this reality? I recognized how much I missed my exploration of the spiritual realms; my discussions with my guide and my glimpses of the future, mine and others. I missed helping people with my gifts; learning from them and recognizing our connection, our oneness.

It was at this time that I realized that I was being asked to make a decision. Do I or don't I want to be exposed to the spiritual realms more fully? I recall thinking, "I don't know. I'm not sure". I considered how, before, the spiritual realms seemed to travel with me everywhere. They inundated my mundane life. There was not a moment when I was not connected....except when I was fully immersed in my job and communicating with those who "did not know". I was good at keeping them separate. Yet there were times when I recognized that my preoccupation with the spiritual realms alienated me from people and distracted me from the business of life. Now, with my family, a baby on the way and a full-time career, it seems that it would not be difficult to maintain balance. Plus, there must be a reason this is being proposed. Maybe I am ready?

I ended up saying that I was ready, that I would be fine with attempting to connect again as I once did. I did say I wanted it to be slow and gradual and asked that they (Spirit) time it to where it would not interrupt the flow of my life.

And now, I sit here typing this thinking, "What have I just agreed to?" And I read the symptoms of schizophrenia and listen to videos of people who have the mental illness talking about the "friends" they have in their head and I think, "I am not much different than they are".

It just goes to show just how easily one can fall off that tightrope. And the vision I had years ago of me standing between two worlds comes to me again. Living life in between. I was told that was me. Perhaps it is time that I experience it as I was meant to.