Let It Go
I have not been very honest with myself lately. Or perhaps, I have not allowed myself to feel everything that is going on inside me. This happens when life is so full of mundane, day-to-day responsibility that I cannot find time for myself. Usually the only time I have to go inward is when I go to sleep. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get enough sleep, which is usual when work is in the forefront of my mind. For several days I did not sleep a full night and just recently I was able to catch up a little. Unfortunately I know better than to assume sleep will come easy in the future.
I was not even going to write in my blog today except that I felt a slight urge to. I have not been having the best three day holiday. My husband decided to do a two day project in the garage. I can't say no to his project idea because I really don't have anything planned except to catch up on my sleep. Yet I resent him for being so close yet so absent while I am stuck inside the house watching our two children with little time to myself. I feel guilty because all I seem to want these days is time home alone with no meals to cook, no diapers to change and no household chores to do. My usual escape from the drudgery of home life is work. Unfortunately, work is just as bad if not worse than being home. So each day I cannot wait for the end of the day to come so I can climb into bed and sleep, hoping I will find some joy and comfort there. Yet it is so seldom now days that I get a full night's sleep, and when I do, I sleep so hard and so deep that I can't even remember my dreams.
I am sorry to sound so depressed. I know my life is good and that I am very blessed. I love my children, my husband, my home and what I have built for myself. I just feel like I have failed in so many ways. I had hoped to be in a different place this year than I am in now. Life threw me a curve ball and I wish I had played another game altogether now. I am still not completely accepting of being pregnant and I am trying not to resent this little baby-to-be, but I feel cheated. I was so close to having more time for myself and now I feel like I am back at square one. And my career is just in a horrible place. I am working on making it better, trying to connect more with the people around me and focus on what I can do rather than what I can't. So far it is working, but it doesn't make me feel any better about being there. All I can think of is where I should be and how all my hard work in graduate school seems to have been a waste of my time. And yet I am still in graduate school trying to hang on to hope. I plan to keep going to school but I am very discouraged. It doesn't help that in my most recent glimpse into my own future my question, "When will I get another job?" was answered with "2 years". Throw me a crumb already! I need some hope, not a 2 year hell sentence!
Suck it up. I know. Sigh.
I sense that I am full, once again, of repressed emotion. There is a ton of it and right now I am struggling to swallow it since it does no good to become a mess of emotion. I sense there is a reason for all this but I really have no idea what it is or could be. I am suppressing a feeling to just get up and run; to get as far away from all of my life as I can. I don't like the feeling. I know that the feeling likely comes from some long forgotten, past-life mistake and that running from life does not do anyone any good. It just comes back to be dealt with at a later date. Sometimes in the same life, sometimes in the next, or even the next after that. The feeling is illogical, but it is there and it is real. I laugh because if I were to just "disappear" I would still have this life inside me reminding me of my cowardice. And I know I would never, ever, alienate my family like
that.
This PregnancyI know a big part of the emotions boiling to the surface come from this pregnancy. I won't chock it up to hormones either, though I am sure they are contributing to how I feel. I remember the dreams I had before I found out and I recall being asked if I wanted another baby. I exclaimed, "Yes! I would love another baby!" and the excitement was so real and there was so much joy in my response that it woke me up. I remember thinking, "How odd. I don't want another baby". Yet, in the dream it was as if all of the horrible things in my life were dissolved by the very thought of having another baby.
So I know that I am lying to myself when I tell myself I don't want this baby. That has to be my ego. In fact, I know it is. And maybe that is why I am feeling so down? I should be feeling that very excitement and joy that I felt in my dream. Where is it?
When I tune into the soul that is to be my future baby, I sense so much calm and I also sense a great love. Focusing on it makes me well up with tears and I feel so guilty and so undeserving of such love. When I look into my own future, I can't see this child as part of my family. He/she is not there. This makes me worry that this baby will never be born; that there will be a miscarriage. Yet, my most recent trip to the doctor confirmed that there is fact a baby in there and he/she is healthy and growing. I am hoping that what I am seeing of my future is just a reflection of my disbelief. I could not handle losing a baby.
Feeling Connected
Writing my blog today has helped me recognize that I am still connected but that for some reason I am afraid of that connection. It reminds me of my most recent dream where I was going down into a basement that was dripping with water and painted blue. I kept being asked by a female guide if I was sure I wanted to go down there. I did not hesitate, though, but I awoke before I could find out what was there. When I looked within and to my guides as I wrote about my pregnancy and my feelings just now, I felt the emotion that was there. In it there was acceptance of all that I am trying to deny. I am angry that life did not turn out how I wanted it to. It is making me very unhappy and eating me up inside.
How to let go? How to accept? Perhaps that is what I will ask for when I go to sleep tonight.
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