Something's Gotta Give
Last night I called my husband a jerk because I didn't get my way. This morning I got upset over a lost pair of tennis shoes. These are trivial things. I don't need to be wasting my energy on such things. Yet, time and time again it is the trivial things that set me off.
This morning, as I let go of the stress I was feeling over the lost shoes, I asked myself, "What is going on?" I immediately knew the answer: I'm still angry. Life is not going my way. I feel like I am being punished. First, I feel forced to stay at a job I hate. Then, I find out I am pregnant. Either one by itself would be easier to handle. Both at the same time seems like too much.
Then my guide asked me, "How is now different from the last time you were pregnant?" And I thought about his question. Besides me wanting to be pregnant the last time, there really isn't much that is different. I worked in the same place, had the same stress level (or more) and had the same complaints as I do this time. The main differences are that this time I wanted to be somewhere else, had tried to be somewhere else and had not succeeded and I was not trying to become pregnant. That is it. If I were to take those two considerations away, there would be absolutely no difference.
I think the main issue I am having is that I feel forced into this particular situation. I know I made the decision to stay at my job. I know I made the decision to have the sex that resulted in this baby. I know. But for some reason the logic doesn't help. I want to smash something up. I want to scream and throw a tantrum. And I guess that is what I am doing and it is creating conflict in my home life. It is bad enough that work sucks and that I am dealing with hormonal issues from being pregnant, but if my husband is complaining almost daily I know that I have pushed too far at home. My husband is patient and loving and has handled my mood swings well up to this point, but I feel he is at his limit. He has stress at work that he did not have during the other pregnancies. It is important that home is his sanctuary and it should be mine also.
Stolen Car
I had a dream last night that caused me to wake up sobbing again.
I was given a car by a friend. She said she got it for near nothing (the cost of doing flowers for a wedding) and told me I could have it. It was an odd looking car. It was box shaped and white with blue trim. Inside, the driver's seat was not all the way to the left but more centered and the window of the windshield did not fully cover where the driver sat. I remember sitting in it and wondering about the odd shape of the car. It also felt old, like a classic car, but I do not know what kind of car it was. There was a back seat like any car but like I said, it was square.
When I tried to drive the car it wouldn't start. I remember another dream interrupting this part but I will omit it now as the dream returned to the car. A man came up to me and told me the car was his and to give it back. He had friends with him that reminded me of thugs in a gang. He claimed his ex girlfriend stole the car from him. He said he and she had been together for 30 weeks so it was legally his because they divorced. I argued with him for a bit but he would not budge. He sat in the driver's seat and wouldn't move. I jumped in the seat behind him and attempted to drive the car from the back seat. I pushed down on the accelerator pedal and the car sped forward. There was a struggle for a time and I yelled out the window to onlookers, "Heeelp! Please! Help me, please!!!!" I was desperate. The people outside began to come forward to help and I started to cry. The sobbing woke me up.
Interpretation
This dream is a great example of how I feel. I feel that my life has been taken out of my hands and that I need/want help because I do not know what to do. I feel out of control. I hate that feeling. And overall, I am miserably unhappy. When I try to look at my future I am depressed by it. All I can see is endless responsibility piled up on top of me, no rest, no reprieve, no happiness. So when I hear my guide ask me, "What do you want?" I don't even know how to respond. I have no clue anymore.
I did finally respond to the question, "What do you want?" At first I said a counseling job but that seems like a dead-end in that I keep getting "what if?" thoughts. So I just decided to say, "I want to be winning at life. I want to feel needed, loved and to have purpose". He then said to me, "Even if that means moving?" and I thought about it and said, "Yes, even if it means moving". He then said, "Okay but it won't be easy. You will have to listen and it will be hard to hear". That is not the best way to motivate me but at least he was warning me. I obviously suck at listening these days. I have heard since then my guide say, "Change will come" several times. I also keep waking hearing a song repeating a phrase over and over, "I'm gonna live I'm alright, I'm gonna die it's alright, I'm okay".
This morning, after my husband again told me how fed up he was I said, "Why don't you just talk to your real estate friend and put our house on the market?" The idea was at the back of my head and bugging me so I said it. My husband did not respond to it but I know he heard it. It would not surprise me if he called me later today and said we had a meeting with his friend to put our house on the market. I am so fed up I wouldn't even care if that happened. Something's gotta give.
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