Disconnected
Fire
Saturday morning I woke from dreams in which there was a lot of fire. I remember running from a dorm room where a fire had started. I went to a hotel where another fire was in full swing. In both places I was grabbing things that I wanted to save from the fire. I don't remember now what I took with me but I do remember seeing toys and leaving them behind. When I woke up I knew the dream was about death and transformation. I did not feel good or bad, just blah. The image of the fire was still clear in my mind when my husband told me the bad news. His boss and best friend had indeed passed away. He passed that very morning.
I was surprised because I thought that he would hang on longer. He is a fighter and had a lot of plans for this life. But perhaps his body just did not have anything left to give him?
I was home alone all day and kept myself occupied by cleaning house and watching a movie. But I could not escape the feeling; something had shifted in my universe. I couldn't put my finger on it. At the time I swore I heard static in my head. It was high pitched and fuzzy but I convinced myself the sound was coming from the movie.
Aliens and Sunken Ship
I then had trouble sleeping. A storm system moved in and the thunder and lightening kept me from falling asleep. I felt on edge. When I finally fell asleep I had odd dreams of alien visitors. I can still vividly see their spacecraft, a saucer-like disc, in the sky. I remember running from it and then telling others what it looked like. I also vividly recall being on a ship on a search and rescue mission. Another ship had sunk and we sailed through the debris. I could see chairs and other furniture floating in the water. The whole time there was this alien threat that I seemed to be running from. They had strange powers. In the end, it turned out that the aliens were us; we were one in the same. I can still see a picture I was given of a barren tree. I was so thrilled to get it that I hugged it and held it close to my heart. When I looked at it again there were two large butterflies one on each side of the trunk of the tree.
A Void
When I awoke I was not in a good mood. I still am not. I am disappointed and feel stagnant; as if my life has been a waste. There is a huge sense of void within me and I feel like I need to fill it, but I don't know what with. When I think of my dream I realize the theme of it was transformation yet I don't feel transformed. I feel dead inside.
I pushed aside those feelings and began to search for something to fill the void. I looked online, thinking that when I stopped pursuing my LPC it left me with too much time on my hands, which it did. I now have my weekends free and so also is my mind. I am struggling to fill the empty time with something meaningful, but what? I looked at transpersonal psychology certifications and other spiritual certificates I might be interested in. But what I found did not feel right to me. It was all wrong. There is no way to categorize and classify that which is inherent in the human spirit. To try and put it in a nice little package will never feel right to me. To try and label myself as "healer", "medium", "clairvoyant", "medical intuitive" or "counselor" feels wrong to me. Yet that is the only way I know how to communicate my gifts and who I am to others. But is that who I am?
I also realized just how alone I have been feeling. I am surrounded by family but separate from them. The disconnect is very real even within the confines of my own home. The disconnect is strong and like the branches of that barren tree in my dream, spreads throughout all the areas of my life.
I have no one to talk to. My husband and I have been distant for some two years now. I don't feel like he and I are on the same page anymore. I don't have anything to say to him anymore. But who do I talk to? There is no one. I took my mom out for her birthday last night to try and reconnect with her, but there was an odd feeling between us, a distrust that was there. I know where it came from and it makes me sad. I began to talk about some of my spiritual side and saw her react as she always has - with interest but disbelief, revulsion and ultimately rejection. I can't talk to her either.
Usually turn to my guide, Steven, when I need someone to talk to. But that has changed, too. My guides are not the same to me. "Steven" as I remember him is not there. He is now only a memory replaced with very different guides who give me messages like, "Your gifts keep your from doing things in life" or "The goat will bite you". There are now four, though I am told two are my guides and the others are "friends". What does it matter, though, if I can't talk to anyone about them. I feel like a pariah.
Waiting
If this is the end of something and the beginning of something else then I am in the waiting phase I guess. I definitely feel the "end" feeling, but I do not feel a beginning one. I feel lost and very alone. I feel like searching but I don't know what for.
I know the death of my husband's best friend and boss means change for him. His boss was preparing him to take his place as General Manager for the company. If this occurs it means great changes for my husband and, I guess, for our family. It would mean higher pay, more business trips and maybe even stock in the company. This could mean I can quit working altogether. But I am not certain that is a good thing. Right now, though, it sure seems like my plan B may be more likely. Plan B, by the way, is the plan of what I have decided to do if I don't get a counseling position before this baby is born. The plan is that when April comes around we will put our house on the market and begin looking for a home nearer to my husband's work. I will also put in my resignation.
After that I am undecided as to what I will do. There are several options I have considered. The one that is most appealing to me is to not look for work but to stay home and watch my kids. Then, in my spare time such as in the evenings and one weekends, I will resume giving mediumship readings. The other option is that I start my own school, but I have no idea where to even start with that. A final idea is to focus on auditing and work through my issues the right way. This will ultimately give me more clarity. I have no idea, though, what I want to do yet. I am still hoping that I will get a counseling job, but my hopes diminish with every failed attempt. I have not yet gotten an offer from my last interview. Since it did not come within a couple of days (which is the usual) I am almost certain that I did not get it. I kinda knew this ahead of time, though. My heart isn't in it. Like I said, I feel dead inside. My heart just isn't into anything anymore.
Perhaps this transformational period will last a while. That is my feeling anyway. Yuck, is all I can say. Yuck and more yuck. And what a waste of time and money my degree was. The only thing I got out of it was knowing I could do it. But I knew that beforehand. I also think I needed to prove to others that I could. That was the wrong reason. Me having a Master's degree didn't cause any ripples in my family or my life. It was all "ho hum" to those who I wanted approval from. And now, being I haven't gotten to use my degree, I have already heard from my mom, "Too bad you haven't been able to use it". I think she says this because she never got to use hers, either. It is sad that my own family are the ones trying hardest to pull me down. Another reason to get away from here. Probably the best reason yet.
Thank you
One more thing. As I was drifting in and out of sleep this morning I was again given the message, "Thank you" from a female in Spirit. She touched my arm and said it with such a kind, heartfelt voice that it brought me to full awareness. I had this message before in a dream prior to me finding out I was pregnant. I also had a woman in Spirit hanging around me for a while the second half of July. I can't help but wonder if she is thanking me for agreeing to be her mother. If so, I wonder if that does indeed mean I am having another girl. I don't want another girl, though. I want another boy. I will accept whatever I get, but I will be disappointed with a girl.
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