Dysthymia

Angry

I feel angry today. I am angry about most everything. The fact that I did not get a call about that job I just interviewed for (I knew I wouldn't though). Angry that my coworkers are happy and friends with one another and purposefully seem to exclude me. Angry that I am not getting what I want out of life. Angry that I don't see much positive in my future. Just angry.

It started out as wanting to go back to sleep. I slept so well and had vivid, interesting dreams (not going to go into those today). When the alarm went off I didn't want to get out of bed. It felt so good laying there in my dreamy-eyed state. Eventually I got up because, well, I had to. Work. I resented having to wake up.

I was fine until I realized that I was late for work. My husband had gone out to deliver a piece of mail that had been left at our house mistakenly. The post office keeps doing this. They don't know one house from the other I guess and keep delivering my cousin and sister's mail to us. I had asked him to take it to the mailbox. When I noticed I was late I realized he had not returned. I waited. And waited. And then I got so mad. I knew he actually took the mail to my sister's house to deliver it personally. The mailbox was so much closer! Why did he do that? Predictable!

I went ahead and got my daughter in the car and had my son wait in his daddy's car. I left but stopped at the end of the drive. What if he took a while to come back and didn't know where our son was? What if our son got out of the car to look for his dad and got lost? What if my husband ran over our son? Too much worry. I had to stop and honk. When I did, I saw my husband come running up the road. From the direction of my sister's house. He did take it down there. Predictable!

When I was dropping my daughter off at my Mom's I realized I had forgotten my coffee. I had to go back to get it meaning I would be that much later. By this time I was so angry I was cussing.

I am still angry. But not so angry to not think about why I am feeling like I am feeling.

Ego

I began to wonder about this feeling I am having; this anger. I have felt it since I was a child. It is linked to me not getting my way. I feel exactly the same as I did as a child. I get told "No" and I get angry. I throw a tantrum. My anger sits inside me and simmers. Every once in a while it boils up and over flows. When it does, it almost always causes some damage. Sometimes just a little. Sometimes a whole lot.

I know this is my ego and I wonder: How much of me is my ego? Is my ego really a genuine part of me or is it some kind of package I chose to wear in this life to make it more challenging? I feel like it is the latter. I know it is. The ego I have this life is unique to this life. It is molded and shaped by my experiences. It is connected to this biological body and the physical experience I have in it.

I know I am not like this when I am not in a body. I know I was not exactly like this in my other lives, though similarly affected.

And then I am angry at my ego. I want to tear it off of me. But how? I get frustrated because the only way I can figure that I will ever get away from it is to leave this body. I hate my ego. And I hate other people's egos, too.

Nothing to Look Forward To

Part of my anger comes from recognizing that really there is very little I am looking forward to. It is not a fun place to be. Some of what I am about to say may make you hate me. I am just being honest and really, at this point, your hate or distaste for me is nothing compared to how I feel about me, so hate away.

Usually I don't look forward to work, at least I haven't since 2003. Why? No one at work could care less if I am there or not. No one is happy to see me. I don't do anything of consequence. I don't have any friends or even close acquaintances there. I suspect that when/if I resign this position that some may celebrate my departure but most will not even miss my being there. I imagine that most of them avoid me because I am not pleasant to be around. Honestly, I would avoid me, too. I wouldn't want to be friends with me.

I use to look forward to my weekends. Not anymore. Why? I am home most of the day being a caregiver to my two children. My husband usually has a project or a plan. Me? No plans. No projects. Just cleaning house usually. I resent him for always having a plan or a project. I resent him for being happy all the time. He could care less if the laundry is left undone. He could care less if the kids take a bath. He could care less about most of what I care about. I wish I could not care, but if I don't do it, no one will.

I don't look forward to my future. All I see is more of the same and nothing exciting or fulfilling. I see heaps of responsibility, though. Tons of it. Never-ending amounts of it. I see being forced to work a job to make the responsibility that much more bearable. I don't see much hope in me ever liking my work again. I only see a continuation of what is right now or similar to what it is right now with me making less money or no money. Less/no money = more of a burden on me. So even though I would be relieved of having to be in a place I am not wanted and which I don't want to be, I see it replaced with financial hardship or worry. It seems I can't win.

I don't look forward to being a parent. I know, shoot me. I love my kids, I do, but the work involved is overwhelming. I have asked for help, and I get it sometimes, but I am shouldering 80% of the responsibility of child-rearing. Once this baby is born I have 18 more years of it. The thought of it going on for 18 more years makes me want to crawl in a hole. This is why when I found out I was pregnant that I got so depressed. 18 more years. 18 more years....oh my God. It feels like a prison sentence.

One thing I do look forward to is sleep, but lately it passes me by so quickly and is not as lucid as I would like. At least I am getting good, solid sleep. About 9-10hrs a night. That is unheard of for me! I fall asleep quickly and rarely wake. If I do wake I go right back to sleep. It is wonderful. I wish I could sleep all day.

Wow. All I look forward to is sleep. :(

Dysthymia

The psychologist in me quickly diagnoses my problem: depression. Dysthymia. I was diagnosed with this disorder in my early 20s. Basically it just means a person is chronically depressed. Their "norm" tends to be a whole level below the norm of most other people. They get use to it because it is all they have ever known yet they will have periods of being happier and periods of being sadder. I think I am in my classic dysthymic cycle. I feel so similar to how I felt in my teens and early 20's.

But lets be brutally honest. Depression is a result of selfishness. Poor me. The world hates me. No one loves. Boo hoo. It is a lonely, awful place to be.

But really, it is true. Depression = the ultimate selfish person.

I suck.

What to Do?

In the past I got on antidepressants to help with my depression. It helped. Somewhat. But it wasn't a fix. The only fix is to change one's thoughts. I would never consider medication again. What little I took altered my brain chemistry beyond repair. I have never slept normally since quitting the meds. Plus the meds numbed the problem. It is hard to fix the problem when you are numb to it. Besides, my husband would never allow it. He would probably divorce me if I even brought it up. He knows as well as I do that they cause more harm than good.

I will be starting auditing once Christmas is over. I hope to go in on the 26th. Specifically I will be focusing on all the harm that I believe I have caused others in this life and other lives. I am sure I will feel great relief when it is over. Hopefully it will be enough to carry me through the next six months. That is when I will go in and do some more.

I know the auditing will help. It always does. Perhaps I will gain some insight into why this is happening right now. Likely, I will gain much more than that.

So, I guess I have one more thing to look forward to. :)