Releasing Charge

It has been a busy past few days. Not only was there Christmas and family from out of town but I also started auditing. I wasn't home long enough to do anything except eat and sleep. So today I am going to try and recount what occurred with my auditing and in my life.

Auditing

I finished up day three of auditing. I am not sure how much more I have to do to complete this cycle but I am sure it will be sometime next week. The first thing I had to do was address my past illnesses, and I had a lot of them, especially this past year. I did this pretty quickly since I had already considered the illnesses and why they were occurring. I identified my work environment and my home environment as the main causes.

Then I began the main focus of my auditing which is clearing up harmful things which I had done to other people. This is known as a confessional. It is meant to help clear up the emotions associated with the harmful acts and free you from continued harm caused by them. These harmful acts are what creates within an individual the feeling of being a "bad person" and can also encourage future harmful acts and breaks in communication.

I felt relief almost immediately upon beginning my auditing. Now I have only done a few hours worth of auditing so far, so I have by no means gotten the end result but I am already on my way. One of the major things I realized was the connection or oneness that exist between all beings. Now I logically knew this to exist but I rarely experienced the reality of it through memories. One specific memory of this which I believe occurred between  lives was especially insightful in helping me recognize how interconnected we all are. It also helped me recognize the impact my actions have upon everyone around me.

The memory was very solid and strong. I recognized it instantly as occurring on the Other Side as the individuals I was with were not in physical bodies. I was standing in a circle with three others. We were exchanging the experience of our most recent life on Earth which we lived and experience together at varying times and to varying degrees. I was asked to re-experience a moment in that life, one in which I made a decision. I was asked to do this so that I could understand the decision's impact upon others. I don't remember the decision or action that resulted but I know it was a selfish and destructive one. As I recollected the moment and the decision I then exchanged experiences with each of the others in the circle. It is hard to explain how this happened other than to say that a part of me left myself and entered into the others one by one. It was a merging of consciousness with each. They also did this. When this occurred we each were able to experience the result of the decision I made. I was able to understand how the others were effected by what I did and experience it as if I were them. When the exchange was done it was as if I experienced all of their experiences at the exact moment I made the decision. Ultimately it proved that we are all interconnected and with the memory came a recognition of this though I am certain a large part of it has still yet to be revealed.

This was the only between lives and past life memory that came to me vividly. The rest was mostly knowningess that came to me in such an organized and clear fashion that I was in awe of it. In the past when I have been in auditing I could feel the blockages of energy (they call it charge in Scientology) come off of me but I would struggle to recognize the images, emotions, beliefs and false information that went with it. It would take me a very long time to really get the full effects of the removal of these blockages. This time it was very different.

In auditing there is a release of energy blockages (charge) and with it a full recognition and realization of their cause. In this particular instance the energy came off in waves. The first wave was and always is the most intense. It made me hold my breath and tense all my muscles. The emotion was very strong and burst out of me like a balloon that had just been punctured by a needle. The physical sensations were overwhelming. Intense physical heat came with the energy release. It caused me to sweat and made my hands and body feel intensely hot.

These sensations in themselves are not unusual for me. I don't know how others experience the clearing of energy in auditing, but this is my experience. It always results in a release, sometimes highly intense and other times not so much.

The difference this time was the other aspect of the energy release - the cause of the blockage. This time, rather than feeling overwhelmed by masses of confused information piled together in a knot that I then had to dissemble in order to make sense of it, the information came to me very neatly, almost as if someone was feeding me lines from a computer database. The words, phrases, pictures, beliefs, truths and untruths came one at a time. Each passing when the one before it was grasped and understood. The recognition of each was instant. Sometimes one particular bit of information would result in another wave of intense energy as it released. The more information that came through to me, the more energy was released until eventually I was left feeling relieved. This almost always results in laughter and does always result in a smile. I had both quite often throughout my auditing sessions.

This change in how I experienced the release of energy (charge) brought with it questions. Why was this happening so differently than in the past? What did I do, or did I do anything to cause it? Was this a result of some spiritual change that occurred in me over these past few years that I did not know was occurring?

I do know one thing, I am different. I felt it. I felt so in control. I had such clarity. This is very out of the norm for me in auditing. I usually feel so lost, as if I am scrambling to try and make sense out of what is happening throughout the process. This was not the case this time. I was aware of the entire process, understood how it worked and why it worked and the entire process was so smooth and beautiful that I was left in a state of ecstatic high.

Afterward

Unfortunately when I returned home after each day of auditing I found myself running into a big negative. My husband and I had a fight each night. This negativity would pull me down from my previous high and make me feel miserable. Because I had been so happy before, the obviousness of the issue at hand could not be avoided. On the third day of auditing, after two near sleepless nights, I told my auditor that I felt I needed to address my marital issues or else my auditing would not have as good results. My husband and I ended up speaking to the chaplain. A plan of action was put together. It will be slow and tedious and require a lot of work on both our parts but today both of us is more at ease with one another knowing that there is a solution to our dis-ease.

The good news is that the results of auditing are permanent. The blocks that were released will remain released. Those channels have been cleared and I feel that much lighter because of it. I am keenly aware of my heart chakra. I can perceive the green glow that surrounds my aura. It has grown and spread over my entire mid-section. I have also heard my guide encouraging me to let the emotions flow and to imagine the energy flowing up through my feet and up and out of my crown. I can feel the flow much better now than before I began auditing and I expect to feel clearer and more balanced the more auditing I have.

Motivation

My motivation is still very low, though it has increase somewhat since my auditing sessions. I still have problems that need resolving and I am very tired of the struggle of life. I slept soundly last night, which was a relief. The previous two nights I slept fitfully and for only 6 hours each. Each night thinking of problems and knowing that their resolution was not going to come easy. It is hard to sleep when your mind is trying to work out solutions that are not there! So in my deep sleep last night I had odd dreams of the past that were all but lost to me upon waking. When I did wake I did not want to rise. I felt intensely discouraged about my future. My guide, John, was very close and encouraging me to remember what we had discussed in the night. I was resistant at first but then finally attempted to remember. I knew we had spoken of my commitments to others in this life. When I recalled this I thought to myself, "I cannot survive on my own. I will die". It was obvious to me that I am being encouraged to seek help, to invite others into my life and to open up to the possibilities that come with the love and companionship that results. I began to name off those whom I had "contracts" with. Most were family, but the list was so big and widespread that I gave up. I didn't want to know how large my "family" really was. It is overwhelming to me, though I know from what I experienced in auditing that it is likely that my family is much larger than I ever could imagine. My most recent dreams, like my auditing, also confirm that my family progresses and learns together.

So what my guides have been telling me for so long is true. I am not done yet. I still have much left to do. I cannot give up. If I do, it delays not just myself but everyone in my family because, yes, they will wait for me and already have. I don't want to let them down, do I?