More Death and Too Much Time
My husband's boss and best friend died back in October. I already wrote about it and the issues that came with it. Well, the boss's wife had cancer. We had not been told much about it, but I knew it was terminal. It was in her bones and spreading. That isn't a good sign. When my husband and I were talking about plans for Christmas he mentioned spending the day at his boss's house. He was concerned because the wife was ill and so he didn't know if it would be appropriate. I told him, "It won't matter. She won't make it 'til Christmas". He said, "You think so?" I said, "I know so".
My husband has long learned not to tell others about my predictions. It upsets them and then upsets him and then he upsets me. I have a policy not to tell people about their own deaths, because, well, it DOES upset them! I also don't always see death. But sometimes I do. I don't know why. I wish I didn't. Sometimes I am glad I do, though. Like I knew my grandfather would die before he did. I prepared for it. So when he died, I barely grieved. I had already done my grieving. I knew my dog would die a year before he did but with that one I was in denial. Had I been smart I would have prepared better. I won't make that mistake again.
My husband and I were just talking about the upcoming death of this woman, too. He was wondering aloud why some people choose to draw out their death. He couldn't understand why this woman would choose to draw out her illness, go through all the pain and misery. She was out of her mind, rambling and wandering her house for weeks. My husband was at a loss as to why she would hold on for so long. He said he would choose to die quickly and suddenly. He asked me how I would choose to die.
I thought about it and said,"It depends". Then I explained why I would choose to draw out my death, even though it might be painful to me. I explained that when a person draws out their death they have time to prepare. Not only can they prepare themselves but more importantly they can prepare those they are leaving behind. I said that in the case where there was no one else to prepare that I would choose to go quickly and suddenly. However, in a case where I had many loved ones who wouldn't want me to go, I would stay as long as I could to help them let go. It is those who are left behind who suffer the most when we die. Those who actually die don't suffer at all.
I explained to him that this woman, his friend and his family member, likely was not in her body much during her downhill spiral. She was there as much as she needed to be, though. The pain, though intense, was tolerable enough for her to stay longer and help those who loved her prepare. And prepare they did, too. Then she left in her sleep. Pain free and welcomed into the arms of her husband.
I envy her. Death is a joyous time for those who die. I welcome it. I ask for it too much, though. My guides hear it so much that they are probably rolling their eyes at me. I am like the little child who knows they are going to Disney World when they are 6 years old but they have no concept of time so they keep asking their mom and dad, "Are we going today?" Mom and dad roll their eyes and say, "Not yet, hunny. Soon."
That's what my guides tell me, too. Not yet, sweetheart. And when I ask when, I always hear, "Soon".
But soon is different for them than it is for me. And ultimately, if I were told today was the day, I would be horrified and frantic to try and find a way to delay it.
That is why it is oh so important to live day by day, moment to moment as best we can. Because, who knows? Soon may be today.
Too Much Time
Despite the death all around me, I am calm. I feel no sadness for this woman, just for her family. I am happy for her and, like I said, a bit jealous. I was jealous when her husband passed, too. I wish I could be Home and celebrating a life lived. I looked forward to that.
But for now I continue in this life. I realized today that my problem right now is that I have an abundance of time. Time to think. Time to dread. Time to pull up all kinds of crap out of my subconscious and make a mess of things.
At work there is not much to do right now. I am thankful for that but then I am not. I don't have anything to keep me busy except writing in this blog and thinking, thinking, thinking. If you have ever had a lot of time on your hands you know how destructive thinking can be. When I walked into work today and realized I had nothing on my agenda to do all day or even all week, the dread started creeping back into my mind.
I kept myself busy this weekend. I did well, too. It helped keep me from dipping into depressed mode. The busier I can keep myself, the more content I seem to be.
Hopefully today and for the rest of this week while at work I can keep myself occupied enough to stay out of the twilight zone. lol
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