Emotional Overload
At the end of the work day yesterday I was waiting to go home when I heard two coworkers talking in the next room. Their voices were pretty loud so I couldn't help but overhear what they were talking about.
Me.
The one coworker was venting about the earlier incident where I had refused to work in a dangerous situation. She was called in to take my place so felt very inconvenienced. She was questioning why I was getting special treatment. She then was complaining about where I was suppose to be and some other things. What she said was not overly hurtful until she got to the end. I listened and my heart sank into my stomach. Not from anger but from disappointment. I thought she could be trusted and never figured her to talk about me or anyone else like that. I knew, also, that I needed to confront her before leaving work. If I didn't then I would not sleep and the issue would remain unresolved, hanging over my head through the next couple of work days and beyond.
My heart started pounding really fast as the thought of confronting her sank in. I suck at confrontation. Not because I can't do it but because I cry when I am angry and I cry when I am upset. It embarrasses me to no end. I feel weak when I cry. I feel judged. I think that they must be thinking, "What a sap" or "Sissy" or even "Please, we know you are faking". Yet I knew I had to confront her. I couldn't let what happened last year happen again. It would be stupid to let that happen again.
So, I went into the next room and told her I could hear her. Within seconds of saying it, I burst into tears. I could not stop the tears, either. They were so thick that I could not choke. My voice was squashed in my throat by them. I had to let them flow and wait it out. Thankfully both coworkers let me cry and waited.
We talked. I told them I heard and what I heard and asked the woman who was doing most of the talking to just tell me rather than hold it in. To communicate rather than ignore. She agreed and then spoke. What she said was not bad and I explained and we came to an understanding. But throughout I kept having episodes of crying. The kind of crying where I couldn't breathe. I am sure I looked like a red faced, blubbering idiot. Thinking that made the tears come faster.
When I left I sat in my car and felt empty. I cried some more but then I was just....empty. I asked to go Home repeatedly. Always hearing, "Not yet" or "No". It just made me feel more empty. I could feel my shoulders slump more and more as I drove home. My shoulders slumped forward so much that I likely lost a few inches in height.
Taking the Test
I told my husband about the incident but refused a hug and massage which he offered quickly. I did not feel compassion from him. I felt lust. That is not what I needed at that moment. Why is it that men must insert sex into every single emotional moment? It ruins it. Completely.
I fell asleep early, passing out in the midst of trying to read Withering Heights. I woke up abruptly six hours later. I had been having a dream about taking a test. I was with my group (who that is, I don't know but it included a man who I felt was my husband but did not look like him). We all went to the testing center to take the test. The testing center was in a white room with long white tables. People sat at the tables with their paper tests and pencils. I remember that we all left after the first part was over. I went to bed and remember that the time zone was different so that I was awake in the night and sleeping during the day. I perceived that I was in a foreign country. Because the hours were off I lost track of the time and slept much longer than I realized. I lingered around the house looking at the presents under our small Christmas tree in our small, shared apartment. I noticed that there were many presents to me from people who I knew via Facebook or chat rooms only. I thought, "Wow, they got me a present? I need to get them one!" As I looked at the pretty wrapping paper my husband returned home from testing. He had finished. I was in shock. "What? How could you finish already?" I asked him. He told me that he and the rest of the group went in to test that morning. Apparently I had slept two days and they had all gone in to test without me. They were finished.
I felt horrible. I felt left behind. I felt frantic. I had to get in and take my test! It felt as if the test was a test for me to go to the next level, like an achievement test of some sort, but completing it meant a promotion of some sort. My husband calmed me down and said, "Don't worry, you have four days to take and finish it. You still have time". This reassured me and also woke me up.
When I woke up I immediately thought about the previous day at work and how empty and emotionally exhausted it left me. I thought of how I felt like a failure in my life, in every aspect, even motherhood. I felt sucked dry of life. Empty. I knew my guide was there and asked, "Please can I go Home now". Again I heard, "No". And I just curled up and sank into the bed. I asked, "Tell me what to do". He said, "I can't". Then I said, "Help me" and he said, "I am". As he spoke, I felt energy rush over my body. It pulsated from my head to my toes and then back again. I resisted it somewhat but it continued and pulsated faster and faster.
I fell asleep being washed with energy. When I woke up it was from dreams similar to the one I just described. Feeling as if I were behind the others in my group. I was the slow one, the one who didn't have the guts to continue, who kept having to take long breaks to gather her strength and her courage. Why were they waiting for me? Yet I knew there were others in my group, waiting for me, encouraging me, patient and loving.
And I wonder still: Who is this group? Who are these others? Are they my Team of guides or are they my soul group?
Planning and New Hope
I did not want to go to work but I went anyway. I still felt empty and emotional but the tears were slower to come now. My well was almost dry.
As I drove into town I thought about quitting and how I could make everything work financially. I thought of my retirement account and how I could cash it in and pay off all our debts. I thought about taking out my annuity and using it to pay for that which my husband's paycheck alone could not. I thought about losing my insurance and just paying out of pocket. I thought about trying to get a medical letter to excuse me from work. I thought about all of my options and seriously considered them. But I hesitated. Something was not right. Making a rash decision was not in my best interest. So I did nothing. I just went through my day, hoping it would get better. It did.
At work I stumbled across a job posting for a student mentor position that was a work-from-home opportunity. The qualifications and requirements of the job matched my experience and education. It was full-time and it was an awesome opportunity. I jumped into rewriting my resume and cover letter and filled out the application, willing them to call me and interview me. I want that job! How perfect it would be for me. For the first time in my counseling job search I am feeling a desire for a job. It is not a desperate desire, it is a real interest in the position. Plus, I have no doubt that I can do the job well. I have confidence, something I have lacked with every other job I have applied for.
The work-related issue from the day before was miraculously resolved today. The teacher I spoke with was friendly and open with me. I could feel from her that she had no issue with me any longer. I felt, I feel, better. I don't feel quite as empty anymore. I have hope.
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