Freedom
The definition of freedom that I am referring to in this instance is: "the power to determine action without restraint" (www.dictionary.com).
In my case, I was restraining myself with my own considerations, limitations and beliefs. What freedom I lack in my life is almost always a result of restraining myself. Unfortunately, it is this type of restraint that is the hardest to detect. It is natural to consider external causes of restraint, not to easy to consider internal ones.
Today I am feeling lighter, freer. I awoke feeling hopeful about my day. I awoke feeling free of the yoke of my job, ever heavy on my shoulders. Now it is not so heavy because I know that soon, very soon, I will be free of it. The negativity, the repetition, the dreariness of my day in and day out high paying yet unsatisfying day job. I recognize that I do not have to stay in this state of unhappiness. I have a choice. I have power. I can decide what I want and want I do not want.
In the past I chose to stay because of the financial benefits of my job. In fact, I am making more money this year than I have ever in my life. Even better, I am not having to do much in order to make that money (except be in a negative place and face the daily threat of being attacked emotionally or physically). My husband pointed out that it is exactly the perks of this job as well as the disadvantages of it that create within me such a strong dissatisfaction. It may seem ideal to get paid a lot for doing very little, but in the end it creates within the individual a strong guilt and dissatisfaction for not pulling their weight. People are much happier when they feel they are contributing in a positive way and are an asset to those they work with/for. I lack this in my current job. I don't feel necessary or helpful. I feel like a failure most days. I need to feel I am making a difference. I need to feel needed.
My desperation to find a counseling job is a result of my needing to be needed. But upon inspecting my own strengths and weaknesses and what I need for myself right now, I am humbled. What my guides have been trying to get through to me is that I need something different than what I am looking for.
Possibilities
I have been doing a lot of thinking on the possibilities available to me. What would make me happiest? What would I be okay with?
I don't have to work.
It may be time now for me to step back and take a break from working a normal job. There is a fear I have about not working. I feel vulnerable. I do not like the idea of my husband taking on the full responsibility of providing for the family. I don't want to lose that control. Yet, for so many years I have wanted, asked for, the opportunity to not have to work. And honestly, I don't have to work. How many people can say that they can be financially secure with only one income coming in? I can.
Home is where the heart is.
If I stay at my current house or move to the city, in the end it is just a place; just a location where my family gathers to sleep, eat, etc. Home or the feeling of home, can be anywhere. My current house and land, it is just that - a house and land. I can make my home anywhere.
My comfort zone is my prison.
There is a saying (I forget who said it): the definition of insanity is doing things the same way and expecting different results. Sometimes stepping outside one's comfort zone is exactly what is needed. Maybe changing locations and quitting my job are just the type of change I need to open myself up to more possibilities?
Stop fighting and listen.
I need to stop fighting what I know to be true. I need to listen, remain calm and trust that where I am going is a better path for me than the one I am on. As long as I resist, life will remain not quite right. Having money is not making me happy. Perhaps it is time to stop making money my main focus and instead make happiness my main focus? That makes me laugh because that is the logical thing to do. A verse from a song that I kept hearing in my head earlier this year (It's Time) pops into my head: Giving the commodities a rain check. In fact, that entire song still rings true. It's time.
Can't Wait
I am eager to get on with this. I can't wait until our house sells. I look forward to house hunting. I look forward to living near people; to being close to family and friends. I look forward to being able to spend my days with my children/my new baby. I look forward to meditating more and opening myself up to possibilities. Perhaps I will home school? That option is available to me as my sister-in-law and some others I know are trying to set up a co-op for that. I will have time to get more auditing done which will help me gain more clarity. I will get away from the negativity of my current job and the family drama that surrounds my current home. I can still find a job if I like, but there won't be any hurry to do so. Maybe I can do more readings and healing? It feels so good to have so many possibilities, to not feel that I have to have the income from my job in order to survive.
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