Overwhelmed
My boss had told me that he would move me to a different section, a not-so-negative one. Well, he didn't. He either lied to me, forgot or changed his mind. I told everyone before I left in June that I would not be back. Now I will be back and will get a lot of questions. I do not look forward to answering them because it means telling of my losses and failed attempts at getting a counseling job. What I dread the most is dealing with the negativity of my work situation. I don't know how to protect myself from it. Now that I am pregnant I will be overly emotional (I really hate that part) and am likely to break down into tears in front of people. My last pregnancy, with my son, was at this same place and I am surprised I did not lose him with all the stress surrounding that pregnancy! I would never have thought I would be back in this same place, pregnant!
Then there is the pregnancy. I didn't plan on it. I am struggling to accept it. I was torn about having another baby before this. I actually did everything I could think of to prevent becoming pregnant while making my husband feel we had a "chance". It took me 8 months to become pregnant with my son and that was with us trying as hard as we could. I figured there was no chance if I was careful. I guess I was wrong. Now all I can see is what I am not allowed to do. I can't work out like I want. My goal was to up my intensity in the weight room and try to build more muscle and change my physique. I was really looking forward to it as my one sane escape from my work hell. Now I don't have that. I have gained 12 pounds of muscle over the last year and I look better than I ever have. All that hard work is going to go to waste. I will have to start all over again after the baby is born. I am fine with doing that but very disappointed that my goals have been put on hold. And finally, there is the time and sleep factor. My youngest is about to be out of diapers. He is getting more independent every day. My oldest can help more and so it is giving me more time for myself and my own pursuits. With a new baby I will have to start back at square one. Diapers, feedings, multiple wakings, etc. I already feel overwhelmed with two. How the heck am I going to handle three? My husband helps out at night (thank goodness) but he leaves early and come home late during the week, which leaves me on my own with the kids. I don't know how I won't lose my mind.
I know I should try and focus on the positive. I know I should listen to my guides who keep sending me messages that this will not be as bad as it seems. But it is so hard.
The message I got yesterday keeps bugging me. "The goat will bite you". The goat is symbolic of so many things that it is hard to interpret the message. I keep wondering if it means that I will be surprised by abundance. Or if it means I will be surprised by intense sexual desire. Or if I will be surprised by the devil or negative/bad things (God help me). Or, finally, that I will be surprised by lechery and deceit (again, God help me). It seems that the goat gets around. Maybe I will get all of the above?
Restaurant Dream
Last night I couldn't get to sleep again. I am hot (like having hot flashes which make me sweat and everything) all day long but when I climb into bed I suddenly am freezing and can't get warm. It was 78 degrees in my house and I was cold!? Then, once I start to fall asleep, I get horribly hot and have to get up and turn down the thermostat. If this is a pregnancy symptom, it is one I have never experienced before and I don't like it at all. My body is nuts.
I did manage to sleep, though, and I had a dream where I was visiting Montana and with my ex and his mother. I was talking about how I would have stayed there if it weren't so cold and discussing things about my life then. I was in a house clearing out things, mainly clothing. I was sorting the clothing by color and there were piles of both my clothes and my ex's clothes. In the midst of doing this, I saw toys and saved the toys for my kids so I am assuming I was talking about my current family and comparing it to what could have been had I stayed with my ex (when I woke up I was actually thinking of how it would be had I stayed with him).
Then we went to a restaurant. We were seated and ate our food (though I don't remember actually eating it) but when we left I couldn't find my shoes. I looked everywhere for them. Strangely, when I went to look for them at the other tables, the tables turned into large beds and so I was looking under the beds. I never found them. I found all kinds of other shoes, even considering wearing some sandals but was told that would be wrong (they weren't mine).
I recall that at this time I had decided to leave. The restaurant changed, though, and turned into a domed structure made of glass. You could see outside and it was dark. At this time I recall talking with my guide. It is like the dream paused. I was in front of a sheet of paper and reading a sentence out loud. I could see the letters and words very clearly and was excited about this. But the sentence was long and written in an old language. I tried to recall what I had read but could only remember what it had meant. It said that I should rely upon the wise, upon the ones who were there to guide me. In the dream, these wise ones had names and were listed and I read them all, recognizing them. I then tried to get more messages to appear on the paper. I had become more lucid and it seemed to block the messages from forming. I was disappointed when it didn't work.
The dream scene then resumed. I had asked the owner to help me find my shoes. He came out with a whip and began talking to a young boy in my group (thinking it was my brother). He told him he had two lashes left and the boy agreed to take them. He lashed my brother twice and I got mad and stopped him. I told him that he was the one who should be lashed and grabbed the whip as if to hit him with it. I demanded he find my shoes. Oddly, he yelled an order to his wait staff who appeared with what I thought would be my shoes, but instead they were my sunglasses. I accepted them as if they were what I wanted all along. When I commented on how fast he found them I was told, "He is psychic. He knows where things are before anyone else".
That is when I woke up.
Interpretation
Clothing is symbolic of one's public self and how they are seen. I seem to be sorting through these perceptions - putting them into light and dark piles.
Losing shoes in a dream suggest that I am searching for my identity.
Sunglasses represent pessimism or being pessimistic.
Being in a restaurant means I am feeling overwhelmed by decisions and choices in life and indicates a need for emotional nourishment outside of my usual support system.
A whip indicates a feeling of being punished, of being in unfortunate circumstances. It can also indicate a need for control in one's life or a need for an increase in sexual desire.
Seeing a bed in a dream suggests I discovery of self, sexual desire or domestic bliss. Since the beds were made it indicates security.
All of these symbols are accurate about my present situation. And as the message in my dream said, I should look to my guides to help me through this time. Their messages indicate that it will not be as bad as I think. I hope so.
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