Living Life in Between

Haven't written in some time. I have been sick (again) and just not feeling a desire to write about what is going on. Partly this lack of desire stems from the negativity that surrounds my state of being lately. It was bothering me and I did not want to inundate you all with my negative, ungrateful disposition during a holiday of thanksgiving. Anniversary My husband and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last week. Strangely, I kept thinking it was our 7th. I was absolutely convinced of it. It took my husband telling me that we had only been married 6 years that pulled me out of the delusion. What? How could I get that wrong? For the first time in our marriage I had planned a trip. I got us a luxury hotel room in San Antonio on the River Walk. My husband had never been there; never seen the Alamo or visited any of the attractions. I had been there many times and wanted him to experience it. I thought it would be nice. My mom agreed to watch the kids and everything looked li...

For the second night this week I had a visit from my grandfather. That is his picture on the left. This visit was less lucid than the other one. I dreamed of my grandfather's funeral. My family and I were walking outside along a street lined with shops and stores. My grandfather's funeral was to be held in one of the shops off the street. There was a display window that was blacked out and a door leading into the store. I did not want to go in. I don't like viewing bodies. I saw children's toys near the side in a waiting area and sent my daughter to play. I stayed outside watching my family line up and go inside. I then remembered that my grandfather's body had been cremated and was relieved. I still did not go in. As people began coming out of the building I greeted them and listened to their upset. I did not feel upset, I felt uncomfortable. I hate funerals. I don't recall all that I said to everyone. I remember seeing my Nanny and how frail she looked. ...

This title is part of the lyrics of a song that I felt drawn to yesterday. I listened to it several times before I figured out what it was that was pulling me to listen to it. The song is called Youth by Daughter. It is such a haunting song which is why it pulled me into it. The part "and you caused it" seemed to be a message my guides were hinting at. All this mess that I perceive in my life, it was...IS... created by me . By my thoughts and beliefs, my fears and paranoia about the future. It is all me. I caused it. Scare Yesterday was a scary day overall. The migraine that began my day went away after I had a talk with a coworker who listened and did not reject my considerations about my job. She was in agreement with me, in fact, and helped me see that I was not alone. Knowing this was a big relief to me. I could feel the weight come off my shoulders, if only for a moment. I spoke to my doctor's nurse about my headaches. She did not think it necessitated a vi...

I just sense it. Something is not right with me right now. Last night, after yet another stressful day at work (this time a coworker threatened me), I went home and did my normal exercise routine - fast walking for 30 minutes followed by some light weight lifting. I really, really didn't want to work out. I haven't wanted to for a while now. I just make myself do it because it usually helps me get my mind off things. Well, it did do just that. I decided to do some Yoga stretches afterward just to relax some more. When I finished and got up, I noticed that my vision in my right eye was distorted. It was like there was a pool of water over my eyes and it seemed to move, or creep across my eye when I tried to look around. It made looking at things very difficult. This is a flag to me as it has happened many times before. It is a type of halo and a precursor to a migraine. I went about my normal activities - getting supper ready and preparing to pick up my kids. The halo s...

I had a really rough day yesterday. I thought I had gotten past it that evening when reading my book and preparing for bed, but I guess not. In my book one of the character's died and there was a song sung which tugged at the heart. I couldn't keep back the tears and lost it for a while. I remember thinking to myself how painful it was to feel this way. As I choked on my tears I heard a quiet voice whisper, "It will pass". Believe it or not, this helped me. I recognized the temporariness of the situation, and of all things in life. Eventually, all things do pass away. There are few things permanent. It WILL pass. I had difficulty falling asleep again last night. It is no surprise considering the stressful day I had. Plus, I am reading a book that keeps me very awake and interested. I don't want to put it down. Thinking my book choice is probably not the best for reading before bed. In case you are wondering what book, I am reading The Hunger Games . When I...

When I woke up this morning I understood why I was having so many misgivings about having another child. My dreams didn't seem to fit with my sudden realization, either. I had been dreaming about choosing food and counting macros (carbohydrates, protein, sugar, etc). Strangely, it was one of those nights where I slept so hard that all I recall are bits and pieces of my dreams and an overall feeling of having slept well. My Realization Some background before I give you what I realized. For the past three months, since I became pregnant in fact, my husband and I have been sleeping in separate beds. This arrangement started because I could not get a good night's sleep and had been struggling to sleep for over a week. I needed to sleep to be able to function at work and home and with the added exhaustion of pregnancy the lack of sleep had been making me a very unhappy and irritable person. I found that when my husband slept in another bed that I was able to fall asleep quickl...

I don't know why, but my whole family seems to be constantly sick lately. Right now, everyone in my family has some kind of ailment. Thankfully, my kids are starting to feel better, but my husband came down with yet another illness and has been feeling achy and tired. He just had the flu a couple of weeks ago and now seems to be getting it all over again! I am still trying to get over the head cold that I had. Now I am just bothered by constant nasal congestion, which is a minor inconvenience compared to how I felt a week ago. Both of my kids are still acting sick. They cough in the morning a wet, chest cough and then come home in the afternoon and want to go to bed before 7pm. My daughter is coughing less now, so I think she is going to be the first to get over her cold. Hopefully my son is right behind her. My husband's beliefs about illness are pretty simple. When a person feels suppressed by others in their life or by their environment, then they will get sick more ofte...

I have been really homesick lately. Not for any Earthly place, but for my real Home . It seems like I feel homesick the most when there are things in life that I am not overly thrilled about dealing with. Right now, life seems humdrum with the same things happening day in and day out and nothing really exciting or entertaining going on. It is like I hit a plateau. Plateaus are not a bad thing - at least I am not flailing about as I fall into a deep despair or have multiple life stresses hitting me from all angles. But plateaus can get very boring and, well, I hate boring . An Infinity of This?  I can't help but feel like I have done all of this before. I don't mean the dejavu-type of doing it before but more like I have had life after life after life of the same thing. And what do I have to look forward to? More of the same. It is very depressing if you think about it. I guess that I should not think about it but I can't help it. There is something wrong about the p...

I again had messages given to me in my dreams - two. This time I remember the dreams fairly well and feel I need to write them down and reflect upon them. Doing his helps me better understand what is going on with me and gives me time to consciously digest everything. A Shower with no Privacy In the dream that was most vivid, I recall meeting up with my ex-husband. We were in a house. I recall that this was his house, not mine, and it was particularly messy, dingy and dark. The walls were brownish yellow in color and there were clothes and items scattered about. I met up with my ex who was happy to see me and talking to me about his life. He had a girlfriend and was doing well, though he missed me very much. He seemed to be a little too desperate to have me stay. This made me uncomfortable. I recall that I was suppose to stay the night and was fine with that. I wanted to be a good house guest and not hurt his feelings. He was/is particularly sensitive. I was shown my room. In t...

Yesterday was the big anatomy ultrasound. My husband joined me and we got to watch an hours of our baby. He was moving around the entire time and even flipped completely over two times! The results of the ultrasound were good. The doctor said we had a healthy, and good looking baby and that he did not see anything indicating any chromosomal abnormalities! He also said the baby was measuring ahead by almost a week and said the due date looked to be more around April 5th than April 9th. The baby weighed in at 10oz, which is well above average for an 18 week old fetus. So I am relieved that all turned out okay. The anxiety I have had since the beginning of this pregnancy is finally subsiding and being replaced with awe. I still am coming to terms with the fact that I am pregnant again. I really, truly did not think I would have a third child. It just never was in my realm of reality. Since the age of 17 I have know that I would have two children - first a girl and then a boy. I also...

It has been a very interesting and enjoyable last couple of days. The day before yesterday (Wednesday), out of the blue I had an idea to offer readings on my Facebook page and in the group I created. I did not think about it, I just did it. As I think back on the decision, I am not even sure where the idea came from. I did not expect the response I got, either. There were so many takers that I had to put a deadline before I ended up over my head. Part of me was excited to have the opportunity to get to do so many spirit guide readings while the other part of me was a little anxious. I had not given so many readings in one day since the day I met my husband in 2007 at a Body, Mind, Spirit Expo! I ended up doing all twenty-something readings in one day. I actually thought it would take more than a day, but I found that connecting to each person's guides came easily as did their messages. I found myself not even thinking but just typing the messages as they came to me. I also ...