Homesick
It seems like I feel homesick the most when there are things in life that I am not overly thrilled about dealing with. Right now, life seems humdrum with the same things happening day in and day out and nothing really exciting or entertaining going on. It is like I hit a plateau. Plateaus are not a bad thing - at least I am not flailing about as I fall into a deep despair or have multiple life stresses hitting me from all angles. But plateaus can get very boring and, well, I hate boring.
An Infinity of This?
I can't help but feel like I have done all of this before. I don't mean the dejavu-type of doing it before but more like I have had life after life after life of the same thing. And what do I have to look forward to? More of the same. It is very depressing if you think about it. I guess that I should not think about it but I can't help it. There is something wrong about the picture I have in my mind of living life after life to learn more about and perfect one's Self. It almost feels like a trap and that is what bothers me the most. I feel stuck in life after life. I feel as if it is something I have to do. That in itself doesn't seem right to me.
On the Verge of Consciousness
When I awoke this morning it was from some very in-depth dreams. By in-depth I mean there was some soul searching and discussion with my guides going on. It was present upon each of my brief wakings. I woke in the midst of talking with my guides about this or that and suddenly was aware that my body needed tending to, usually a bathroom break.
The dreams I was having were very obviously astral dreams. I was not aware of being in astral while in the dreams but I was somewhat semi-lucid in them. It seems that I was intended to remember them and this has been happening more and more often over the past few months. I have not had so many conversations in my dreams since way back in 2003-2005 during the peak of my spiritual awakening.
Flying, Running and Driving
I had many dreams that all seemed to merge into one another. In between I had brief awakenings only to resume where I left off.
The first dream I recall is of me flying along a country road in the evening hours. I can see the road clearly, but it is unfamiliar to me. I can see green grass and dwellings here and there. As I fly, I feel free and I am talking to someone, having an in-depth conversation that is lost to me now. I feel driven to take a right turn down a road. The trees clear out and I see open fields and fencing. As I continue to fly down the path I suddenly stop and say to someone, "I understand" and instinctively know that I need to slow down, stop flying and walk the road in front of me.
So I begin to walk but it is with such briskness that it is more like a smooth running, though there is not roughness to the run, more like a drifting or sailing along it. I notice in front of me a fence with horses in it. I climb over the fence and am in it with the horses. One of them is not very nice and tries to bite me, I turn and try to crawl through the fence into another area but there is a horse standing at the fence and he also doesn't seem nice. I am forced to confront the biting horse and I gently push his nose away and turn my back to him. He follows along behind me and I climb over the fence again to the other side. I never once feel afraid of the horses.
I briefly awaken at this point, very aware that I am not alone and have been talking this whole time to a companion. I realize I was flying and this makes me happy because I connect it with astral and know I have been out of my body. I ask to go astral but I intuitively know this is not to be and I am sad.
Freeway of Water and War
When I fall back to sleep I resumed traveling but this time I am on a freeway with a group of people. They feel like family and we are in conversation. As we talk the freeway turns into a raging river and I find myself on a boat with a man. He is driving the boat, which is a speed boat, up the river. He is a bit out of control and almost runs into some cars (so it is like a freeway-river here). I jump out onto the pavement and head back to my friends. We walk along a grassy embankment and stop under a tree. There is a sign on the tree and it is written by a young child. There is also a bundle of something hidden under a rock. My male friend opens it up and contained inside it is a T-shirt and some other things. He puts on the shirt and it is brown in color with a yellow marking on it. The marking resembles something a person would wear who is a part of a group or an organization. It feels related to rebellion. I feel he should take it off; that it is sacred and ask him to put it back like he found it. I read the sign on the tree and it is about a war. The date is 3426 or something close to that. The date on the sign is written in red and in a child's handwriting. It speaks of the war but I do not remember everything it says. I begin to sob uncontrollably at the loss of so many lives. We leave the sacred place and move on. I briefly awaken from the dream, the date still on my mind, wondering why I reacted with such intense emotion.
Uninvited
When I fell back to sleep I was again on a highway. I was driving and it was very dark. I went over an overpass "heading home". I took a left turn and stopped at a small house. I pulled into the driveway and my daughter got out of the car with me. We went into the house and sat down with a few other people. The house looked familiar and I was talking to them, telling them I had been there before. They told me, "No" this is so-and-so's house. I was talking with a man and a woman. They told me a party was underway. I looked around and saw a nice but small living room and adjacent to it was a kitchen that was small with very nicely painted walls. The color was a green with flowers in pots painted on it.
I could see a woman in the kitchen and I as sat there more people started coming in. I realized the party was going on at my sister's friend's house and so started feeling out of place and uncomfortable. The women in the kitchen were making tea and my daughter wanted some so I went to ask for a cup, but couldn't find any. All I could find was a drawer full of small, child-sized coffee cups. I rejected them because they were made of glass. The tea bags were interesting as well. They were filled with nuts and spices and very large, about the size of my hand.
I eventually found a used paper cup and attempted to clean it. I walked into the kitchen with my daughter and almost tripped because the floor dipped down and then up steeply. I remember saying that I had forgotten the floor did that. I then went around the back to a bathroom that looked like a space ship inside. I began to try and clean out the cup but a man was bringing guests to the back on a tour and I felt I needed to get out. The cup was never cleaned completely, and this bothered me. I left, grabbing my daughter and heading outside. I was worried my car would be trapped by other vehicles but it was left with a clear exit. I saw that my car was our new Prius, silver and shiny. I took my daughter and we left the party, me still feeling it was my sister's friend's party and so I didn't belong.
I again wake up and try to remember as much detail of my dreams as I can. It is 3:43am.
I fall back to sleep and don't dream. Instead I am talking with my companion but don't remember what we speak about.
The alarm goes off and wakes me up suddenly. There is a commercial on saying, "Discover the truth - www.cheatingpartners.com". I immediately burst into laughter and am awake. I wonder, is this a message? Nah!
The Goat Will Bite You
My husband comes up and I tell him about the message on the radio. We have a good laugh. Then I realize something - the message I got a while back makes sense to me now!
I told my husband what I discovered. The goat, although an animal that lives and travels with a herd (family), tends to break away from the herd and be on its own while feeding. It is a symbol of individualization.
That is what I have been doing these past few months ever since I discovered my pregnancy. I have been separating myself from my family, from my husband. This, in turn, has created conflict, especially in my marriage.
The goat did bite me. Ha!
So I am going to try and not be so isolated.
But that brings me back to this homesick feeling. I am isolating myself because I don't want to participate anymore. I want to be done with this life. I am tired. I want to be alone. In fact, the first thing I will do when I leave this body is find a place of solitude to heal and recover from life. I have been isolating myself because I need to be alone. I need to heal. I need to recover. It has been a long road and I realize I am but halfway there.
I know that my companion and I are discussing how I can get back into this life; how I can find meaning and purpose, joy and belonging. I feel like life is carrying me along and I am just a passenger, not a participant. I fall asleep or allow others to take the lead while I do my part but do not feel I am noticed and really, I don't care to be noticed. I just want to get through, to get by and be done as fast as I can.
I am in a spot I have been in before. I really don't like people right now, at least the people I am around every day at work. I find myself intolerant of them and their narrow-minded, shallow lives. I would rather they go away and leave me alone. I am happiest when I am asleep but I can't sleep all day.
You know what I really want to do? Quit. Quit all of it. Quit work. Quit all responsibility. Do something creative for a while. Sew some clothes or dig a garden. Take my kids on a walk. Have no deadlines. Have nowhere to go and no place to be. Spend a day baking cookies or singing songs to my children. Ah how wonderful that would be!
I think I must have hit on something because all of a sudden I was overcome with emotion. And I heard, at the back of my mind, "Why not?"
I may just be at the point in my life where "Why not?" persuades me to take some time off. Some time off to just be and then, when I'm ready, return to a better me.
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