Living Life in Between

I sometimes don't know why I do the things I do. It is as if another "me" is taking over. I get tired. I get fed up. Then I explode and hurt someone's feelings. I don't like the me that is like that. Lately, however, it seems that she is coming out more and more often. It is frustrating. Last night I called my husband a jerk because I didn't get my way. This morning I got upset over a lost pair of tennis shoes. These are trivial things. I don't need to be wasting my energy on such things. Yet, time and time again it is the trivial things that set me off. This morning, as I let go of the stress I was feeling over the lost shoes, I asked myself, "What is going on?" I immediately knew the answer: I'm still angry. Life is not going my way. I feel like I am being punished. First, I feel forced to stay at a job I hate. Then, I find out I am pregnant. Either one by itself would be easier to handle. Both at the same time seems like too much. ...

I had an exhausting day yesterday, most likely because my sleep was interrupted so much the night before. The evening turned out very quiet and restful for me, though. We got a lot of rain and I think it helped me sleep. I awoke feeling refreshed with a positive outlook. It was nice to feel like the day and the future was going to be bright. I had hope and optimism that I have not felt in a long time. Metaphysical Store I had many dreams last night but the one that is the most memorable is the one where I was visiting a metaphysical store. The dream began when I walked into the store. I had my husband and two children with me and my children immediately went to exploring the store. I remember feeling a bit anxious about this but the store owners, an older couple, were not bothered by it at all. My son went into an area that looked like a conductor's box or control room. It had a seat that was located in the center of the box and the box had a glass window that looked out ...

Yesterday was pretty much a normal day with little to suggest that there was any "bad" news around the corner. I was warned that something would occur yesterday, but when it didn't I figured I must have misinterpreted the message I received. Last night I went to bed as usual and fell asleep without any problem because I read my book. However, I was awakened at 2:42am in tears from a bad dream. Mom Going to Prison In the dream I was in what appeared to be an middle ages or older village. There were round, wooden houses with hay stacked roofs and I was with a group of people, "family". We were going through the houses but I don't remember much about what we were doing until we entered the final house. In the middle of this house was a wooden contraption with tiny, wooden plates all over it. It went to the ceiling and spun around on an axis. A man with me took it down and I remember being excited to learn it was a machine for cooking multiple pancakes. I ...

Woke up at 3a.m. again. When I went back to sleep I had a very disturbing dream. Possessed by a Demon In the dream I was sleeping in my old bed at my childhood home. I was tossing and turning (was doing this in real life as well) and when I woke up there was a guy in the room who I felt was a friend. He told me that I might have bedbugs. I was horrified and said, "No way!" He then pointed out some tiny spatters on blood on my pillow which made me worry. Then I looked down at my forearms and saw that on both were scratches and strange markings that looked like little circles or infinity symbols. The guy with me said I must have done it to myself in my sleep. As I looked at the marks I could tell the scratches were made by finger nails. The deepest ones were on my right forearm. There was also what seemed to be archaic writing. I knew it was a demon and so did my friend. By that time I was out of bed and inspecting my whole body for the marks. My friend helped me but ther...

I have had an uneasy feeling all day today. It started when I woke up from a dream because a woman I saw in my dream spoke my name. It sounded urgent, which is why I woke up. Prior to waking, I had a couple of odd dreams. Flying to New Zealand In this dream I was standing in line to board a plane heading to New Zealand. My husband and son were with me and I was talking to my husband about how quickly we had decided to go on the trip. It was only for one night and it was to see some kind of musical show or premiere, but I cannot remember much about the event now. I remember being worried that we would need our passports. In the dream I called them "visas". The man at the ticket booth reassured me that we would not need them and showed me a map on his computer explaining that the area where we would be did not require a visa. I remember seeing the map clearly with streets and everything. It was located on an island, just like New Zealand. We boarded a small plane and to...

I took the advice of a friend and decided to try reading a book before bed in hopes that it would help me fall asleep faster. So far, three out of four nights it has worked like a charm! I found a book by Robert Heinlein that I really like. It is called Methuselah's Children . I confess with much embarrassment that I have not read a book for pleasure since my early 20s. I use to read fantasy novels and dramatic classics when I was in my teens but somehow life got in the way and I found myself too busy for books. It has been nice to settle down at night with a book and get caught up in another world. I can see why it helps me to sleep as my mind is much more focused on the book than on my life and my problems. It has been nice. My only future worry is finding another book when I am done with this one. 3 a.m.  On the nights where I fell asleep quickly, I found myself waking up suddenly at 3 a.m. The first time it happened I was confused as to where I was and I heard my guide say,...

So my insomnia is back full force. I had thought I beat it but I guess not. Returning to work seems to be the culprit. All last week I only slept about 3-5hrs a night, but on average about 3hrs. When I got home on Friday I laid down in my bed at 7:30pm and passed out. I didn't wake up until 6:30am. It was wonderful! The next night I also slept well. Yay! But last night I found myself once again tossing and turning as I tried unsuccessfully to fall asleep. My mind was too awake and I tried to meditate and let the thoughts come and go, but the thoughts I was having were unwanted. I kept thinking about issues that were bothering me - my pregnancy, my sister and my job. Then I got hungry and had to get up and get some food. Then I got upset and cried in frustration. The last thing I was thinking about was my job and how I so wanted to go in and see if there was some way I could get let out of my contract. Finally, at around 1am, I remember telling myself, "I am going to go to ...

This morning while driving to work I had an odd thought/idea. I was thinking of my graduate studies. I am currently taking a class in abnormal human behavior. The class is reminding me of my studies in undergrad and how interested I was in psychology. I used it to help me better understand myself and it really did help me do that. Those memories brought me to thinking about psychotic breaks and schizophrenia and how, when I was going through the darkest parts of my life, after my spiritual awakening, I often thought I was going crazy. Then those thoughts brought me to a time in my life when I was helping a woman who thought she was spiritually gifted. She told me of her spiritual "friends", the voices she heard in her head. However, something was not right about this woman. She was "off". I remember that by the time we were done talking I knew she had a mental illness. I left her, hoping she would get help and not lose it completely and pitying her. I had tried to...

Since I have been back at work I have felt disconnected once again from the spiritual side of myself. Occasionally I will slow down long enough to get a message via my thoughts. Usually that message is to calm down or remember who I am. In those few instances I usually take a deep breath and feel, at least for a moment, whole again. I have not been very honest with myself lately. Or perhaps, I have not allowed myself to feel everything that is going on inside me. This happens when life is so full of mundane, day-to-day responsibility that I cannot find time for myself. Usually the only time I have to go inward is when I go to sleep. Unfortunately, I have not been able to get enough sleep, which is usual when work is in the forefront of my mind. For several days I did not sleep a full night and just recently I was able to catch up a little. Unfortunately I know better than to assume sleep will come easy in the future. I was not even going to write in my blog today except that I fe...