Be Patient - Dance While You Can

Patience is a virtue and I don't seem to have it.

 I don't know if I am just one who needs constant positive reinforcement to keep my faith or if it is a human negative attribute that upsets those periods in my life (which are many) where I just need to wait and see.

 I am sure most of you are thinking, "Just have faith" and "Believe what you are being told by your guide". I wish it were that easy. I am doubtful. I have had too many occasions where the messages I was getting did not match the outcome. Not that they were not the right messages, I just received them/interpreted them wrong. So I worry that I am not interpreting them correctly.

 I am upset right now because I want to astral travel and am being told, "Wait" and "You are tired". This morning I even had a dream where I was trying to leave my body and was unsuccessful at it time and time again. Steven says that I don't need it right now. He says, "You are listening". Great, so I am listening. It would be nice to hear the message in astral, to have it as validation. It would also make things a lot more interesting here while I "wait". Ugh!

 Then I get asked, "What will you do in astral?" And I think, I don't know. Fly? Be free? But I realize that I really don't have anything in particular I would like to do. I have already done everything I can think of in astral.

 My dreams are interesting. Though I don't remember all the details of my dreams last night, I do recall that I dreamed about being pregnant and getting married. Both are new beginnings. In the dream about being pregnant it was unexpected but I was okay with it and ultimately happy. I don't remember anything about the wedding dream except that it was my wedding.

 Overall, right now I am restless. I hate waiting and not knowing for sure what is going to happen. I get told future things by my guide and other times just know things that will happen for me in my future, but I have learned to put them at the back of my mind and wait and see if they manifest. The waiting game is not fun. I feel no joy at this time in my life. I am frustrated that my spiritual side is in hibernation and even more frustrated that I don't care. Right now I feel all future outcomes are bleak. Even the most positive ones - getting a new counseling job - seems draped in gray. I despair that I will never achieve fulfillment in my career.

 Steven asked me this morning, "Are you happy?" I replied, "No". He the asked, "Do you want to be happy?" and my first response was, "No", but I soon realized that this immediate response shows that I have lost hope of ever being happy. Then I thought of my son and I recognized there is joy in my life - my son brings me joy. So there is some hope left in me. Not much, but there is some. I also realized that I had joy not long ago, in little bits and pieces. How quickly I forgot it. But with my job/career, I have had too many losses. I know I must be persistent but not sure how much I have left to give.

 They say life sucks the energy out of some people. Well, life has sucked the life out of me. I would be grateful to go Home at any time. I tell Steven this, he always says, "Not yet". And again, I have to wait.

 Sigh.

 Edit:  After writing this, I couldn't help but notice how negative it was. I went for a walk with my kids and got away from my thoughts. While visiting my Mom's house I sat down for a bit, still feeling negative. Then Steven said, "Don't you think it is time to stop?" With it came the thought that it is okay to stay at my current job. It would not be the end of the world. And also the thought that this summer is not unlike the others. I should enjoy it and be in the moment. I thought back to Steven, "Yeah. This is tiring me out". And it was done.

 Feeling relieved and lighter, I got up and went into another room with my son (my joy) and let him play. I noticed a book on the table. It was called Dance While You Can by Lance Wubbels. A quote caught my attention:

 First I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
And then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough
so I could get back to my career.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now I am dying...
      and suddenly realize that I forgot to live."
- Author unknown

 And I hear from Steven, "You are listening" and I think back to him, "I know". I feel a twinge in my heart and tears sting my eyes. I need to stop wasting time worrying about the future, wondering "What if?" and feeling sorry for myself. This is life. I am living it.

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