When to say "When"

The past couple of days have been full of up's and down's because of my preoccupation with my future career path. I get to the point where I can accept whatever comes my way and then I lose that feeling of acceptance. I keep going over and over in my mind what I need to do, sorting through different scenarios and worrying that the worst case scenario will be the one I end up with.

Today the my boss once again did something that left me feeling hopeless about my future at my current job. No one should have to work in a place where she/he is not supported by the management. No one should worry about his/her safety and security. No one should feel unable to do anything about their situation to make it better. It is a dead-end situation and the feeling of being here again makes me want to cry. But the worse case scenario - quitting my job without having another to replace - makes me want to cry even more.

For a moment I felt brave enough to quit without knowing if I would get another job. I felt brave for just a moment and then felt as if I would break down and cry because if I can't find another job, then my entire life as I know it will change and in my mind, the only good thing about leaving my current job is leaving my current job.

I remember hearing Steven say something to me once when I was considering my options and thinking about staying at my current job. He said, "How much more are you going to take?" It felt like he was asking me to consider what my breaking point would be. I honestly don't know what it would be. I also realized that I am the one putting myself through this. There is no one to blame but me.

As I am typing this I am remembering something from somewhere but I can't place where (not certain where - my dreams maybe?). It has to do with personal morals and ethics and making a decision where one will not allow their own ethics to be undermined by other people or situations. That is what has been happening to me for a while now. My job is not what I remember it to be. It has been degraded and made into a joke, at least within the system that I work. My purpose has been destroyed. I have concluded that I no longer want to try. I am an over paid babysitter and I hate my job.

There is something I remember from my many dreams last night. The number "40". I awakened multiple times last night. Each time feeling uneasy and intent on remembering my dreams. And with each subsequent waking I forgot my dreams - all but the number 40. When looking up the angel number 40 I found that honesty and integrity are part of the number 4 as are hard work, determination and laying foundations. The number 0 has to do with choices, spiritual beginnings and uncertainty that comes with new beginnings. So the number 40 stayed with me to confirm what I have been feeling; that my own personal integrity has been compromised in my current job and that I must choose. Will I say "Enough is enough"? or will I continue to let my integrity and personal morals and ethics crumble and leave me broken.

This might seem like an easy and obvious choice to make for most, but not for me. Steven asks me, "What if you took away the consideration of money, what would you do?" That is a no brainer! I would leave my current job, focus on my spiritual development and continue with my graduate studies.

But the consideration of money IS there. It is hard to go from making good money to making no money. It is hard to go from having more than enough to having just barely enough.

I have done it before - left my job on a whim and done what I wanted to do. I didn't like not knowing if I would have enough money to get by from week to week. It would be even more unbearable knowing I have children to support. I have also left a husband, but it took me a long time and I had to be told to leave to get up the nerve to go. I seem to have gotten less and less brave as I have aged. Too much to lose maybe? I wonder if I heard a booming voice say, "Get out now!" like I did when I left my ex husband, if it would work? Would I listen? I don't know....and I don't think it will be that easy this time.

I know what I should do. I should leave and take my chances. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff with the water seemingly hundreds of feet below me, trying to get up the courage to just jump. Once I jump, I will feel freed and the fall will be fun and exciting with the destination a cool and refreshing reward. If only I could jump.....