The Only Constant is Change
That was what was written on a shirt I put on this morning and it seemed fitting to use it as the title of this post. I actually bought the shirt without bothering to read what it said on it because it was written in huge, oddly shaped letters that made it look cool but were hard to read. I took the time to read it this morning and recognized it as a message.
Change is the theme in my life right now it seems. Sometimes we can control change, others times we can't. It is the change that I can't control that scares me, but I am getting messages to prepare me - well more like warnings.
Last night I had really weird dreams. I dreamed of zombies. I must say, I have never had a dream about zombies before so I was surprised to dream about them. Perhaps that is why I remember the dream so well.
In the dream I was in a mansion with other people. We were told that there was a virus that infected a lot of people and to stay inside. The virus made people into zombies and the only way to protect ones self was to wear special gloves covered in water and hit the zombie with it. That would kill the zombie. I actually never encountered a zombie. I saw dead ones, though. Most of the dream was in this mansion with a group of people who I knew but did not recognize. We were talking, but I don't know what about. There was a woman I was talking to. Out of the blue she slapped my face so hard it woke me up. I was in tears when I woke up and mentally asked, "Why'd you do that?" I got no answer. I could still feel my face tingling from the slap, but my heart was hurt more than my physical body.
I went back to sleep and the dream continued. I remember talking with members of the group again. I saw two flying in contraptions inside the house, but the house transformed to a ski slope and then a green hill while I watched. I remember thinking how brave they were to fly so high and that I was not brave enough to do that. Then we were sitting around a table talking some more and this guy came in with this contraption. It looked like a small, black computer mouse. It was cordless and sparkled. When touched it played very loud music. So loud, in fact, that the room vibrated.
At one point a man in our group (the one with the musical mouse) was going to venture out and check on the zombies. There were none, they had all been killed (if you can kill a zombie that is). I remember being too scared to go outside, though. So I peeked out the door and looked to see if there was danger.
Then I was gathering up my stuff. I remember I forgot my bowling ball (I don't have a bowling ball nor do I bowl in real life). I recall wanting to get it because my father gave it to me. At this point it felt as if my father was in the dream, but I can't remember talking to him, just about him. I saw the ball. It was black and sparkly like the musical mouse I had seen before. I saw that the holes in it fit my hand perfectly. I even put my fingers in them to test it out.
At the end of the dream I was again talking to someone, the man with the musical mouse. He left the mouse on the table. I went a touched it and it immediately vibrated and loud music began playing. It vibrated through the house. It was playing Beethoven's 5th Symphony - da-da da-da, da-da da-da.
That's when my alarm went off. I still could hear Beethoven's 5th in my mind. I took it as a warning.
I didn't need to analyze this dream. I knew what it was: a warning. The previous night I had also gotten a warning. I didn't write all of what I felt it meant in my last blog entry, but I did write about the dream. It was about a computer virus and I got a thought that it may literally have to do with computers. I also got feeling that I needed to Google my name. When I did, I saw that it linked to my website. This is normal and usually not an issue. However, I sensed that it could mean that someone would find out and that it would damage my career. So I got protection (skunk = protection) via my domain provider.
Apparently the threat was not resolved as I know that last night's dream was again warning me of the same kind of threat (virus theme in my dream again). I woke up thinking about it and seeing one of my potential futures if the cause of the problem was not resolved. In my mind I saw a vision of myself being called into my boss' office for a meeting. In it, they inform me that they are firing me because someone reported my website and it was a direct conflict with my job. After I got this vision, I remembered an encounter with a lady I gave a reading to. She was a counselor but had been fired when her employer found out she had a spiritual website offering readings. I am not so dense as to not get this warning.
At first I was okay with letting that vision happen. But as I got to thinking about it more, I realized that I could help more people in my future career than via my website. To let my future career be destroyed by my spiritual beliefs and practices would be stupid and selfish. It was obvious what I had to do. I had to take down my website and let my domain name expire. I can open another website at a later date if I want to.
So my website will be shut down tomorrow. The domain name will still be there, but it will expire the end of the summer and will soon be gone as well. If you wish to contact me, you can email me via this blog.
When I made the decision to shut down my website I felt calm. I still feel calm. I know it is the right thing to do. In the past even thinking about shutting down my website caused me to feel like I was giving up on my spiritual side. Yet I felt split between the spiritual me and the mundane me. With this decision, however, the split feeling will be/is being resolved. In the end, I have to do what is best for everyone, not just what I prefer to do for myself.
I think this is the "end" that I have been warned about for months now. I feel hopeful now, as if I opened the door to something by making this decision. I also feel proud of myself. I made this decision with little hesitation. For so many years I have held onto the idea that my spiritual gifts meant that I should openly use them to help others and that they made me "special". Like most people, I wanted to be and feel special. I also felt like I had to prove that I was special to others. It made me right and them wrong because so many people made me feel worthless in my life. But now, when I hear Steven say, "You are special" I say, "I know, but so is everyone else".
That is why this decision was not difficult to make.
Edit: Mere minutes after finishing this blog post I got a phone call from a prospective employer. I have an interview next week! It felt like confirmation to me that I am on the right path and that I am making the right decisions in my life.
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