Messages in the Numbers
I recognized the connection instantly. The feelings that I cannot seem to shake are that I let Trooper suffer unduly because of my own inability to accept the inevitable: he was dying. Steven had warned me of his upcoming death a year before. For the entire year before his death, I often had horrible visions of coming home from work to find him dead on our lawn. I remember praying for him to die in the summer when I was home. Well, it was summer, he was sick, and I was in denial.
When he first got sick, I was taking my kids to a doctor appointment and my mom asked if she should take him. I told her not to, convincing myself he would get better. I even gave him healing as I could tell he was having abdominal pain. He did get better for a day, and so I pushed the thought out of my mind. Then, the next morning, he met me at the bottom of the stairs with this look in his eyes that said, "Help me". He could not move his hind legs. Still, I pushed the thought out of my head, but called the vet and made him an appointment. By the time of the appointment, when I went to find him, he was laying motionless in the yard, just as I had envisioned so many times before. My heart sunk. I loaded him into the car, he was still alive but I could tell he was near death. I knew it was time, but still I avoided the inevitable. Finally, when the doctor told me, "He is trying to die", I accepted it and burst into tears. I could not be in the room when they gave him the shot that ended his life, and his pain. I feel awful for that. I was too weak to be by his side in the end.
There was a part in the movie where Matt Damon was told, "He knows you did your best" in reference to the tiger who was about to be put down. I knew I had not done my best. I think that is what pains me the most. I also had the thought that until his death, I had no regrets in life, but now I do have one. Then I laughed at myself because my life's regret was letting down a friend, a pet. Ironic that I grieved more for my pet than for my own father and grandfather.
I also realized that Trooper's death marked the start of probably one of my worst work experiences as well as a depression that just won't go away.
I went to bed still thinking of the devastation Trooper's death caused me. I don't understand it, really. I am sure the emotional charge of it is connected to a similar past event. I recall finding one of our puppies dead under a bush as a child. He died of parvo. The visual is clear in my mind. Steven says I was too young to digest the impact it had upon me. I do remember having trouble confronting the puppy's death. I think I was seven years old. I am certain I will uncover the link later and I know it will help. Loss of a friend or loved one is very difficult and can stay with someone for many lives.
In my dreams last night I remember being with a woman in a garden. We were discussing which squash to pick. In my mind I could see myself selecting and picking one. I was awakened by my son at that time, so the dream ended there.
The next dream I remember, I was driving in a car with a man I did not recognize. He was large, burly, and not very attractive. He had a beard and was very different to the type of people I would associate with. He almost seemed like a biker. I remember talking to him and learning of his past. At some point I took him home with me, as well as his family members. He was to live with me and my husband, but I had not yet told my husband. I remember that this man, though he appeared rough, was very nice and wanted to help. He did odd jobs around the house to make himself useful. My husband, who morphed between my current husband and ex, accepted him into our family.
One of the discussions I had with this burly man was about selling my property. In the dream I had 15 acres. He advised me not to sell it." I would keep it if I were you", he told me. He said if I sold it he could sell it for $100 or even $190/acre but that it would be worth more if it was kept in the family. He even constructed a sign to put at the entrance. I almost remember the word on the sign, but can't now. I can see the sign in my mind, it was gold in color, with a swirl, almost like a @ sign. The word was written across the front and there was a blue background behind the gold swirl.
I had more dreams, but they are odd and I won't recount them except to say I was very tired in the dreams and could barely keep my eyes open. This has been happening a lot in my dreams lately. Towards the end of these tired dreams I saw what I thought was a date flash in front of my eyes. The first number appeared like this: 2-2-8. I remember thinking, February 2, 2008, but it didn't feel right. Then I saw the date 8-8-2. Again it seemed like a date but it didn't make sense. I awoke soon after, feeling very tired, almost drugged-like.
As I considered my dreams I was surprised with how many numbers appeared in them. I always consider numbers as a message from my guides. The angel number 15 means that I am being prompted to make much needed change in my life. The number 100 reminds me that I am receiving guidance from my angels via my intuition and through "knowingness". The number 190 is reminding me to do as Steven often prompts me, "Think about my life", consider my true priorities, my life purpose and "follow my heart". The number 228 means that I need to believe that I am worthy of success. Finally, number 882 means my financial needs will be met and there will be success and prosperity coming my way. Similarly enough, a squash in a dream represents a profitable opportunity. Picking it means I am open to this opportunity.
All of these messages are a bit overwhelming. Lately it has been difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what I want. I am so tired (maybe this is why I am so sleepy in my dreams?) of life and feel unmotivated to try to change what is. I feel apathetic. I am second-guessing my path, not sure if it is the right one and not sure of my purpose anymore. I miss the me that was; the time when I got so much joy from using my spiritual gifts. I felt like an explorer in a new world. I don't feel that anymore. I don't know how to recreate that feeling either. It seems lost forever. When I look at my mundane life, all I see is huge amounts of responsibility. I don't see joy, I see commitments that weigh on me.
Sorry for the negativity in this post. I know I am working through a lot of ick. It helps to write it out, to explore it more in depth. There will be more positive posts soon.
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