Options
When I think back to how I got to the restaurant, I remember that my mother took me to the restaurant. I tried to get her to go with me, but she wanted to go to this specific restaurant, Henderson's, because it had a dish she just couldn't get enough of (Henderson's is a restaurant in the city where I work). I reluctantly followed her, feeling she was wasting my time. She suggested I be a waitress at the restaurant. I told her I was way too old to go back to waitressing.
When I woke up I did not remember the dream. Instead I heard a song - "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. I have heard this song before and recognized it's meaning. Oddly, there were no songs at all in my mind and then it just "popped" into my head, specifically the chorus line: "It's time to begin, isn't it?" When I wanted to sing the rest in my mind, it was as if the song stopped and then skipped back to repeat that line, over and over. Eventually, it skipped to another verse - "This house doesn't burn down slowly". I recognized that whatever I was going through at this time in my life is not budging as quickly as I would like. My "house" is resisting change. Message received, Steven.
Later, I began thinking about the job I applied for yesterday, the one I was led to by a dream. I went over the possibilities in my mind of what would/could happen if I were to be offered the job. I thought about the long drive, the fact that the pay was the same as what I was already being paid, and the fact that the job was not my ideal but would be okay. Then I thought about what my husband had said when I told him about the job: "Great! If you get it then we can move there!"
I am reluctant to move. I know why, too. My mother. I feel obligated to help her. She will soon be alone, when my brother graduates, living in the country with nothing to do and no one to turn to. She has no husband and no friends, close or otherwise. She isolates herself - most of my family does this. I am really one of the only people she talks to, though I have purposefully distanced myself from her over the last few years because of her self-defeating attitude and a realization that I cannot force her to change. We use to be really close and I grew to understand and admire her. I have always had a really strong connection with her. We "hear" each other's thoughts and anticipate each other's actions. I do this more than she does. Most of the time she is too afraid to acknowledge this side of her. It scares her.
Her mother, my grandmother who lives walking distance from my house and my mother's house, will not be around too much longer and will likely create drama as she nears the end of her life (she already is). My sister, who lives across from my grandmother and is in a relationship with our cousin (yeah, quite the scandal) is heading towards more of a rocky road when their relationship ends and she is not willing to take responsibility for her life. I have seen/felt what is to come. I am worried about my mom and how she will cope. I explain this to my husband. He seems accepting of this - he wants to move but he will go along with my choice. I wish he would push me more - force me to move, force me to get out while the getting's good. Things are not going to get better in my little family commune (we all live on the same land, though spread out).
As I contemplated all these things - the potential of a job and a move and so forth - I felt that soon I need to make a decision: Stay in my home and commute to this potential "better" job, stay in my home and take a position closer to home in my current school district that is riddled with negativity, or sell my home and move closer to a new job and start a new life. There may be more choices than this, but these are the ones I contemplated this morning. I knew instantly that I needed to stay where I was, near my mother. I needed to help her. I can always commute. Then I think, "What if I get offered a position near home? What if it pays much more and I don't have to drive as far". Then I know that I have already made my decision before the options have even been presented: If I had a choice, I would go for the higher pay. I am disappointed by this part of myself for I know that money does not mean happiness. It really never does. What do I do, what do I do....
I heard Steven during this time, but more as a thought process than a separate part of myself in my mind. Sometimes he would speak as separate but a part of me. Once he said, "It is an option" and another time he said, "It's okay". That is about it. At one point, when I realized choices would present themselves, I remembered other times in my life when similar choices had been presented. Usually there are two. Usually I know which one to choose, but it is always a hard choice to make. One choice is always more appealing than the other. One caters to my hopes and dreams, to my selfish desires, more than the other. And when I choose, I always know if it was the right choice or not (though Steven says, "There are no right or wrong choices, just decisions"). Sometimes I get a knot in my stomach. This means that the choice I made will result in many challenges and to brace myself for what is to come. Sometimes I feel absolutely joyous. This means I will be happy and things will be smooth. I am one to say that the knot in my stomach indicates a "wrong" choice and that the happy feeling indicates a "right" choice. However, if I think of the choice from the perspective of my soul and lessons that need to be learned or previous soul agreements made, the knot in my stomach may mean the "right" choice.
What is the right choice? How will I know? I am irritated that I am will likely be offered more than one choice. I ask Steven, "Why can't I just get one option?" I intuitively know that was not how it was planned. Each choice is a test. Will I pass this one?
The dream I had last night makes a lot more sense now. I was obviously going over my options, the very ones I just wrote about. In the dream, I went along with my mom to her restaurant, even though I knew it was not the best use of my time. My sister was there as well though more of a bystander. The movie makes me laugh a bit and the visual of superman in flight is very vivid in my mind. Is this symbolic of me? Am I trying to be superman? My refusal to order any food and the fact that I only ordered water bothers me. This symbolizes that I am not taking part in the bounty of life. I am refusing to participate - waiting it seems, to go to a restaurant of my choosing. Strangely, I never see my mom or my sister eat. I recognize this to mean that my premonitions about the future for them are likely true. My mom will not change. My sister is lost to me and likely will be for a while. Essentially my mom and sister are frozen by fear. Neither will listen to me. Both make excuses for why they cannot change. I have chosen to take a step back and observe. I worry that if I stay, I will end up a witness to disaster, unable to do anything about it. Why stay? Why?
I don't get an answer. I guess I should put it all out of my mind for the time being. The options have not been presented to me yet. I am still waiting.
Note: I always read over my blog posts before posting and edit as needed. As I read over it, specifically the part about making a choice, I heard Steven ask, "Why won't you let yourself be happy?"
Good question. Maybe I am purposefully choosing options that lead me to sadness? Maybe I should let myself be happy?
I have long known that I need to move. I have long known that when I move, I will be happy. I caught a glimpse of this knowingness every.single.time I have considered moving. I feel happiness when I contemplate a move. But not long after I feel a great sadness, and a little fear.
It isn't so much about my home - I love my home in the country. I have fond memories from my childhood all around me. There is nature, beauty and serenity. But I am not one to attach myself to things or places.
So what is it then?
I think the answer is two fold. In part, I am afraid of happiness. I think many people are. When I get happy, it doesn't seem to last....and.....it can be taken away. There is nothing harder to endure than losing one's happiness; having it knocked out from under you unexpectedly. I rationalize that it is easier to not have it. But then, there is an emptiness without it. No fulfillment.
I also feel like I am abandoning my mother; giving up on her. I think there must be a past life connection here, but I am not able to see it. But whatever it is, it is strong. Maybe in a past life I abandoned her and don't want to do it again. Also, it is always hard for me to admit failure. I have not been able to get her to overcome her fears and fix her life. Maybe if I stayed, I could help her do that. Then again, what is the probability of that happening?
As I think about all of this I am overcome with emotion as I am reminded again of the song "It's Time" and the very applicable lyrics. I bolded the parts that have come into my mind most often and have incited strong emotion:
So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the Academy a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cuz after all
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cuz after all
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes
To ashes
And again I hear, "It's time to begin".
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