Who Am I?
It is odd but then again, it isn't.
It started this morning, well more like last night. I slept wonderfully. A deep, restful sleep but dream-filled. Lots of conversations and traveling in my dreams. I distinctly remember talking with a man and either discussing the Japanese language or talking in Japanese (maybe both?). We were in a library-like setting. I can barely remember the warm, inviting feeling of books on shelves. In front of me was a white board. A sentence was written. I remember correcting the sentence, as if I were a teacher and he the student. I was asked to read it I think because I read it over and over. But I don't remember what it said. When I try to remember I see the board and I see letters but they don't make sense. I see "I" and then they trail off, difficult to make out. As I woke up, I was trying to focus on the white board but couldn't. As the letters faded away I heard "transpersonal psychology". I repeated it in my mind. I needed to remember it.
As the morning progressed I remember talking, more like thinking, to myself (this is not unusual for me by the way). I can't remember all that was talked about. It was like I was in two places - one me was doing my normal day-to-day routine while the other me was carrying on a conversation with someone. The only reason I am now aware of this conversation is because the me that was having a conversation asked, "What should we do?". There was a pause from my guide and I sensed a smile. Then I caught it. We? I laughed out loud. I was now very aware that I was having a conversation with my guide. I was trying to decided what to do, but instead of asking, "What should I do?" I slipped and said "What should we do? I was at first shocked and then I just smiled, too. It was true. I was not alone in this.
At work I was pulled to investigate transpersonal psychology. I couldn't get it out of my mind. But when I looked it up and started reading about it, my eyes would get tired and I would zone out. Sometimes when I would zone out I felt energy waves come in from behind me and go up my spine. Other times it came in around my eyes like a mask. One time the energy came around from behind like an energetic hug. I relaxed and thought, Not right now. I sensed it was not yet time to know what was meant by the message from this morning. It was enough just knowing it. I was okay with that.
After my normal gym routine I headed home. I felt like I was going to pass out. This has been going on for a few months now. Go to the gym. Work out really hard. Get in the car. Feel dizzy. Keep driving despite it. Today was no different except that I thought about how in astral when you lose "consciousness" there is a similar feeling to near loss of consciousness in a body. I get this strange feeling of disconnect and if I focus on it, I see darkness and stars. In astral it is similar, I see darkness, except instead of passing out, I return to my body. I recognized that it is all consciousness. That this life I am living is just a state of being that I have chosen.
Somewhere during my drive home I asked my guide, "Who am I?" I'm not even certain why I asked it. Again I sensed amusement from him. I got no answer. When I got home I found myself thinking about doing something out of character. I thought about it and then thought about painting my house bright pink. I laughed about it and thought, Why not? Then I thought, I should do it just to see how other people react. I should do it and maybe they will wake up. Still amused at the thought I heard my guide say, "If your life is your canvas, how would you paint it?" Something about the question hit me hard and I laughed again. I began to go over in my mind all the things I would change about myself if I looked at life differently, if I didn't care about what is "right" or "normal" and if I lived my life like a work of art, a creative picture of myself. I have been doing things in my life based upon "normal", painting a picture to please others. If I were to paint my life the way I wanted it, it would not be this dull and boring. It would be bright and colorful.
I also got to thinking that if this were a dream, if this were astral, what would I do differently? I knew I wouldn't feel like I normally feel. I wouldn't be bogged down with worries and responsibility. I wouldn't fear death or pain or disease. I began to envy all those people who dared to be different, to be themselves.
Who am I?
Wow. All of a sudden it hit me. I can't even put all the knowingness into words. Now, what to do about it.....
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