Astral Fail
I sense that a big part of this is connected to going out of my body. Saturday I woke with thoughts about astral and wondering why I had not astralled in so long. Then I tried to remember my astral experience, specifically to find them in my journal. I kept a journal from 2003 to 2007 specifically to keep track of the spiritual experiences I had. Strangely, the last two years of the journal focused primarily on dreams and astral experiences. I interpreted my dreams, discussed them with my guides and gained perspective through writing out my thoughts and concerns. I have never actually read through the whole thing because it was primarily dream interpretation.
So, I have been reading my spiritual journal, specifically looking for my accounts of when I left my body. I had forgotten so much! I am beginning to understand why I was looking in my journal. I needed to remember the out of body travels I had to spur me to question them - were they real? Why did they happen? How does this fit with what I have learned since 2007?
I recognized some themes of my OBEs in my journal search. My astral travels between 2005 and 2007 were very long, usually three hours or longer. They were a mixture of conscious exits and waking up in dreams, finding myself in my body and then consciously exiting from there.
One theme that is very obvious is that I spent many of my astral travels having fun and not listening to my guides (oops!). Apparently this is my downfall but my guides are very forgiving. In one account I was reprimanded several times by returning to my body in the midst of my fun. Each time my guide would say, "I need to show you something". I would say, "Okay", eagerly, but then when I would leave my body, off I would go, ignoring my guide. In one evening of astral I probably did this four times, each time returning to my physical body, agreeing to be good and then running off like a mischievous child. After several forced returns to my body, I finally complied and listened. Then I found myself in a very small house that was not very nice, just plain and uninteresting. I could feel Steven nearby. As I stood there, a picture opened up and then expanded in front of me. It expanded enough that it was as if it were right next to me, but there was an obvious distinction between the two places. I looked at it with interest because it was a large living room, nicely furnished. Strangely, there were children's toys strewn about on the floor. In my journal I commented on how it had an inviting feel and how nice the furnishings were. When I saw this picture Steven said to me, "You ask if you will always be alone. You will never be alone".
When I read this entry I laughed out loud and cried a bit in recognition of the obvious message. Back in those days, I asked my guides often to go Home. Begged even. I would also complain of being lonely and continually complained about it. I always was told, "You are not alone" and I assumed this meant that I had them (my guides), which in my mind didn't count because they were not in the physical. However, at this time I think Steven wanted to make sure I really understood the message. He point blank showed me my future! But, did I get the message? No. I ignored it, not recognizing that the house with the toys all over the living room was my future home where I would have two beautiful children who literally never left me alone. I still laugh to think of it! How dense I was!
This was not the only time when my future was revealed to me without me knowing it or recognizing it. On one astral adventure, I felt light and happy and I spent a lot of it laying in the grass with my dog Trooper (who I often met with in astral) prior to flying over the house. This particular time I was out flying (my favorite past time) and I flew high over my mom's house looking down on it. When I looked down I noticed that there was another house next to my mom's and I immediately recognized it as mine and was pleased. When I wrote the journal entry I did not comment on that part of the OBE. However, when I re-read the entry I immediately recognized that I was seeing my future house because at the time of the OBE my home was two years away from being built. Absolutely amazing!
Another theme I ran into was returning to the same place and "training" with others who I immediately recognized and knew the names of, though in this life I have no idea who they are. These places often had names. One place, an all blue kitchen, is called "the sugar room". Another place is a pseudo-Earth where I trained with a group of others but the name escapes me now. In the OBE I instantly knew my classmates, greeted them and asked them questions. I even joked with one of the other females about how we could choose different Earth bodies next life. That particular OBE was my tenth visit and during that time I found that this pseudo-Earth was just like Earth except that I could fly (which I did but instantly knew I was not suppose to). I saw lists of the names of people who would die on Earth in the future and maps of where these events would occur, but was not allowed to see them up close. When I asked questions, I ended up back in my body. Seems that every time I wanted to know more about certain things I would end up back in my body hearing my guides as if again being reprimanded for doing something I should not.
In my reading about astral, I have learned that the ego can be a big obstacle. It seems like mine likes to play and get in the way often. I am frustrated with it and want it to go away! I can keep it under control, though. When I do, I feel this calm wash over me (in the physical) and I feel very aware and balanced emotionally. This doesn't happen often, though, and being it is hard to be in this state in the physical, it is even harder to do in astral.
Last night and the night before I tried to consciously astral. Both times were unsuccessful. Yet I have this feeling, almost an obsession, with astral right now. It is very weird! With it comes a feeling of urgency, but not for me.....for the world? It is hard to explain. There is also a huge amount of fear that wells up from my solar plexus. This happens when I get reminded of a vision I had in 2003 of me standing between worlds (thus the title "Living Life In-Between"). Even as I type this I get emotional and feel an urgency. The fear is not a fear of something negative, however, it is a good fear. A fear that something big is happening. The same kind of feeling I use to get when I was an actress in One-Act-Play in high school and was about to go onstage, worried that I would forget my lines. Then I would go out, the fear would go away and I would shine - never once forgetting my lines. It is like that. The same.
I feel that I am ready, but I am not sure for what and that is what bothers me the most. Am I going to really be in between worlds like my vision from 2003? What does that mean? Does it mean I will be consciously leaving my body while simultaneously being awake in the physical? Is that even possible? Or is my ego interfering and all this is just my imagination?
I am confused by last night's failed astral attempt. I asked not to feel the bodily vibrations because they are so distracting to me and try as I will, I cannot ignore them and they always interrupt my exit. I feel about to disconnect and then I wake up, right before I exit. It is like a part of me is protesting the exit altogether (damn you ego!). Last night I got to the point of seeing pictures form in from of my eyes. They moved and got colorful. That is when the vibrations usually hit, but they never came (win!). Instead my body felt funny, like it was shaky or something. Instantly I knew I needed to disconnect. I thought over and over, "I want to astral" but rather than leaving my body, it felt like I came back into it. It was weird. Did I leave and not know it? This would not be unusual for me as I seem to get amnesia when I exit my body for a split second. This could be the unconsciousness I have read some people experience. When I think back to the experience I recall seeing my room in the pictures in front of me that were flashing right before I felt it was time to exit. Maybe I had disconnected and didn't know it? Possible.
After this fail, I felt the usual sensation of my body growing heavier and tingly as I reconnected with it and felt the usual urge to open my eyes. I turned over to go to sleep but was interrupted by a message that I kept repeating to myself (hint that my guides want me to know something). I can't remember the exact words but it made no sense to me. The message was, "Don't go too deep, you're blocked". I am not certain what it means because can one go "too deep"? What does that mean? And blocked? Why am I blocked? The questions kept me awake for some time after. I also got a headache. Two days now with a headache. I never get them. Apparently going out of body has side effects for me.
I found a couple of books, recommended to me by a FB group. The first was by Robert Monroe called Journeys out of the Body. The other is called My Big Toe (funny name I know!). The first book was interesting but did not catch my attention other than the author said he was able to be both out of his body and in it at the same time. This reminded me again of my 2003 vision of being "in between". The second book really resonated with me, though. Around page 108 when the author is discussing his personal experiences I was hit with energy and felt my guide near. The author's experiences with his guides are so similar to my own that I was in shock. The author even describes how his guides told him of "the one", his future wife. My guides did this as well, calling my present husband "the one" and even told me when I would meet him as well as other details of my life which have all come true. I was in disbelief and also shaking in recognition that what I experienced is not something only I have experienced.
I decided to keep trying to consciously astral, even if it gives me a headache. I am still almost constantly thinking about it and wondering. I haven't felt this kind of pull for a very long time. I have to listen.
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