Total Freedom
As I watched the movie, I also got angry. The robots they were controlling were often times destroyed and the controller would just go find another robot only to quickly destroy it as well. I felt betrayed by the thought of my own body being just a "robot" being controlled by my oversoul. I am NOT a robot! I am MORE than that! My body has emotion. It loves and hates. It reacts. It may not be the best it can be without the oversoul, but there must be something there that is distinguishable from the oversoul.
Take animals for instance. My dog Trooper, who I had to put down last year, had emotions. He loved unconditionally. He was my friend. Yet, he did not have an oversoul, or at least I don't think he did. When he died I grieved heavily, as if I lost a family member. I still grieve occasionally. Yet I hear Steven say to me, "He's just a dog". No. He was not just a dog. He was a part of me and I miss him.
But I can't help but wonder: Without the oversoul, are we similar to dogs? to other animals? What is the me without the oversoul? Am I in there? I need to know the answer to this question because right now I feel at odds with my oversoul. I feel as if I am the robot being controlled. I don't like to be controlled.
When I woke up this morning I was still angry. I then remembered my dreams. I had been flying in my dream. I had been semi-lucid.
The dream started with me in my car (this is where I became semi-lucid). I was driving out of the town I live near, driving away from home. I took control of the car and immediately changed lanes, flying across two lanes to do a U-turn. The feeling here was of determination mixed with anger, like a stubborn child refusing to do as they are told. As I headed back towards town I got caught behind a white van that was moving very slowly. I stayed behind it in the right lane because I was planning to turn, the head home. The van got very slow and all of a sudden I could not see. There was some kind of white, misty material in my face. I tried to swat it aside to see, but it covered my face. I slowed in order to not hit the van and then when I was able to move the veil, I was too late to turn and had to change lane. No problem, I thought, I will just go home the alternative route. At the same time I realized the white veil was that of a wedding dress. I quickly stuffed it in the passenger seat and out of the way.
As I continued on, I noticed a woman and several children laying across the middle of the road. I swerved to avoid them, slowing down to a stop. I asked the woman, "What are you doing in the middle of the road! That is dangerous!" She looked at me, still laying on the road seemingly attached to her children with a rope or cord, and said, "Why don't you stay and help us?" She and a group of others were doing a peaceful protest. I reacted with disdain and drove on. (Interpretation: I am resisting the route I know I should take and so turn around and head back to where I came from. I am slowed down several times, all times I ignore the signs to stop my irrational behavior).
As I drove the scenery changed from the town to a more country-type road lines with trees and forest. I ran along the road for a while. My car was gone. Then, I was running in a house. I bumped into a man and stopped. I was attracted to him and stayed for a while. There was a sexual encounter but no feeling of such, no chakra activation as is the norm. This frustrated me. I left him and continued on. The house turned back into the road and I hit a dead-end. There on the road was the woman again, laying stretched out in the middle. I saw her and turned right, ignoring her pleas for me to stop. (I believe the man I ran into was a guide or maybe myself. I am blocked energetically. The dead-end is symbolic of where my path will take me. Again, I ignore the signs and continue on.)
At this point the road became overgrown and there was a gate that was locked in front of me. I fiddled with the gate and was able to open it but it was difficult, the lock was twisted. On the other side, the road, the alternative route home, stretched out in front of me. I began to fly over the road really fast (I remember taking control here and deciding to fly). I stayed below the trees and flew low. As I flew I saw a fence with goats in it and two had gotten out. I made sure to avoid them.
Then the dream shifted again. I remember losing vision temporarily. When I could see I was talking to a man who was preparing a soup. He was saying he had to cook it slowly. When I looked at the large kettle of soup, in the middle was a huge pig. In horror, I recognized that it was alive! I saw its eyes open and it was hovering on the verge of death. I told the man and he said it made the soup taste better. I watched as the pig's flesh started to fall off its snout while he was still alive. Torture, I though. Torture.(I realize the interpretation of this part of the dream is that if I choose to go against my better judgement and take the alternative route home, that I will be like this pig. I will feel as if I am tortured (not happy). However, this experience will add to my learning (make the soup taste better).
That is when I woke up. I was still angry. I could feel Steven near by, closer than usual. I realized I had felt this way before; before I went on a 5 year hiatus from my spiritual awakening/journey.
This happened before, I thought to Steven.
Yes, he replied.
This is the split; the fractured Self you told me about, I thought to myself. I didn't get an answer but it felt right.
I am resisting (You are resisting), I thought and simultaneously heard Steven say.
I remember reading in either Journey of Souls or Destiny of Souls (can't remember which) that sometimes the human mind resists; perceives the soul/oversoul as an invader. Perhaps this is what has happened with me? I hear Steven say, You are stubborn. I think back, Sure am!
I still want to know, where is the human me in all this? What part of the me who I know myself to be is the human me and what part is the oversoul?
Then I remember what Steven told me when I asked him what my purpose was here this time around. He said: Freedom. At the same time I remember what drew me to Scientology and auditing: the Bridge to Total Freedom.
Perhaps my answer lies in Scientology auditing? It makes sense. The purpose of auditing is the free the Thetan (soul) from the reactive human mind. The reactive mind is very animal-like, it is programmed to keep the body alive. The reactive mind if full of instinct and is irrational. It is the part of us that takes over and makes us do uncharacteristic things, things that we later regret or feel guilty about. Scientologists (including me) believe that the Thetan controls the body much like Ophiel's oversoul controls the body. The reactive mind gets in the way of the Thetan's ability to effectively control the body and acts as a trap, keeping the Thetan from being totally free. When freed from the restrictions of the reactive mind, the Thetan is considered a Clear. After attaining the state of Clear, the Thetan then begins to work on regaining its abilities as a Thetan - one such ability is the ability to be exterior (out of body), but there are other abilities as well.
So, it seems that I have the answer to my question, What part of the me who I know myself to be is the human me and what part is the oversoul? My reactive mind is the human part of me. My reactive mind is the part of me that is resisting Steven. The reactive mind is the human me.
I have often wondered why my husband (my soul mate or "the one" as I call him) came into my life at the time he did. He brought with him his firm belief that Scientology is the route to total freedom. I have been learning about it, testing it and reaping its positive rewards. I have confronted my reactive mind time and time again. It is fearful. It is irrational. It is selfish. I really, really don't like it for the most part, but I understand it. And, I have found that when I confront it and the web of lies contained within it, that I feel freed from it. As a result, I feel very powerful. I have also seen much, much more of myself than I ever imagined was possible.
When I think about the challenges life brings, I also think about eternity. The idea of it is overwhelming and immediately brings out my reactive side: fear. I react (the key word here is react) by wanting to run away and hide from the concept of eternity, especially the part where I am one player in the game of life amongst a sea of players. I react with immediate rejection of the idea that my primary role in this life and other lives is not to live life to obtain the best possible survival of myself but to ensure the survival of the whole - all of Us.
Steven (me) knows that my role in this life is not to gain fame or fortune. It's not to be noticed for my spiritual gifts or to be "special". This is what the human part of me wants. It creates a conflict in all of Us. That is how we learn and become more of who we Are. Scientologists know this. They have found a path to freedom. And I know from experience that it works. I just have to keep at it. But it is hard. It takes courage. It means I will Remember. That can be scary and immediately puts the reactive mind on alert.
As I sort through all this, I see now that this merging process is very important. Part of it is gaining control of the reactive mind and maintaining that control.
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