Living Life in Between

I just remembered something that happened last night and I had to write about it. I saw an apparition. I drew a picture of what I saw (above), though it is not good quality. I am surprised I forgot about it considering that at the time it left me with my heart pounding. I had gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom like is the norm for me. I was half-awake and really still very tired. On my way back to my bed, I saw someone standing at the foot of my husband's side of the bed. It startled me and I maneuvered around her, thinking it was my daughter. As soon as I stepped aside, I caught my breath, realizing that the person was way to tall to be my daughter and seemed superimposed over the foot of the bed, the bed very obviously showing right through her. I stopped, my heart pounding, and turned to take a second look. There was nothing and no one there. I got back in bed wondering who it was that I saw. I got no answer so I assumed it had been a trick of the...

After writing my blog yesterday, I let myself become comfortable with the idea of sticking out another year at my job. I was very moody most of the day, though. My husband was sick and slept most of the day and I resented him for that. I secretly wish I could sleep all day. Yet, I am a mother of two and a mother's duties are seemingly never done. When I went to bed I was tired but could not sleep. So, I did some self-healing, first focusing on my heart chakra and then on my solar plexus and sacral plexus. I felt the energy moving and sensed a female guide hovering over me on my left, helping me. I asked what I could do to help clear my heart more. Steven said, "Feel". Try as I may, I could not get any emotion to come forward. I felt numb. I asked to astral but once again got the feeling that it wasn't to be. Part of me feels like I am being punished, but I know that isn't the case. The logical me recognizes the dangers of astral travel. Astral travel isn...

I only have two weeks. On July 12th I have to decide if I am going to put in my resignation or risk another contract year in the job that last year made me 1. sick, 2. depressed and 3. near psychotic. See, if I don't put in my letter of resignation, I am bound to the contract I signed for a full year. And I really don't have two weeks. Next week the offices are closed for the Fourth of July week long holiday. There won't be any interviews scheduled because everyone is on vacation. So, really, I only have one week left to find a new job. This past week I had two interviews. I got a call on Thursday from the second interview letting me know I was not selected. I was told I was their second choice, that I should not change anything about my interview and told about another job that would soon be opening. When I explained that I only had until the 12th, I was advised to not take that date too seriously. However, the man telling me this does not know my boss. I was suppo...

The last couple of days have been pretty busy. I have not had time even to think much less write. I had two interviews this week, both for counseling positions. The first I had to drive quite a ways. The second was close to home. Both interviews went well. I thought I was going to have another interview today, but they called back the same day they called to set the interview to say they had filled the position. I was not upset by this. I had actually told my Mom, "I kinda want to call and cancel the interview. I just don't want to drive all that way". I was/am really tired of interviews. I really just want a job offer or two so that I can get on with my summer break. I have a lot to write about, so will set this blog apart using sections. Hopefully that will make it easier to follow. In my mind, my thoughts are all over the place, so at least the sections will help me follow myself.  Coincidence or Intuition? I have been having some strange dreams the past few ...

It has almost been a year since I lost my beloved friend and pet, Trooper, yet I still find myself experiencing horrible grief at the loss of him. Last night, as I watched the movie We Bought a Zoo , there was a part where Matt Damon's character had to decide whether to put down their 17 year old tiger. It was when the point was made that he was in pain that I broke down and then could not stop crying. I recognized the connection instantly. The feelings that I cannot seem to shake are that I let Trooper suffer unduly because of my own inability to accept the inevitable: he was dying. Steven had warned me of his upcoming death a year before. For the entire year before his death, I often had horrible visions of coming home from work to find him dead on our lawn. I remember praying for him to die in the summer when I was home. Well, it was summer, he was sick, and I was in denial. When he first got sick, I was taking my kids to a doctor appointment and my mom asked if she should...

Strange dreams last night, but I slept well. I was talking to someone in my dream but, of course, I can't remember what we were talking about or who I was talking to now. In my dream I remember being on the road driving, but without a car. I was floating and moving as if on a motorbike or something, but there was no vehicle. We (there was someone with me) were "driving" along roads in this small town and I was getting directions on where to go. I recall at some point seeing what looked like a big pile of dirt and debris. It was huge, like five stories high, and there were machines on top, clearing it away. This pile was at an intersection and I paused and looked at it. Someone with me (feels like there may have been more than one) asked about an office building. In my mind I saw this fabulous five story office building with shining, reflective glass. I realized the pile of debris was in fact the ruins of that building. We then discussed how it happened, but I don...

I had a good day yesterday. I woke up feeling pretty good and spent the day with my children. I had not intended to spend the day with my kids. Fridays are my days home alone; the days I usually get a lot done, but my husband got sick the day before and stayed home to sleep it off. He called me Thursday afternoon to tell me he was nauseous. He had a fever and ended up sleeping most of the day so I watched the kids and relaxed. Around supper time I began to feel an odd feeling. It was subtle at first but I noticed it. I felt as if I needed to tune in to my guides, but I was too busy to do so at the time so I shrugged it off. I am familiar with the feeling. It usually indicates that I needed to meditate; that there is a message I need to receive. The feeling that came was an urgent feeling but also a feeling like I was being "called Home". I recognized it as a feeling of being called Home anyway. What I mean by "called Home" is that it felt like I was being told t...

I was pleasantly surprised in my sleep last night by a female visitor. I don't know her name or even what she looks like exactly, but I know what her voice sounds like. I slept fitfully last night, awakening multiple times and tossing and turning. I don't remember my dreams either. I went to bed projecting what I desire to manifest in my life out to the universe through words, thoughts and feelings. It is getting easier and I hope to make a nightly habit of doing this. I surprised myself already, too. The night before last I told myself through my nightly manifestation ritual (not sure what else to call it) that I would get more news of my employment search the following day. Well, I got a call at 4:30pm by a very high up figure in the bureaucracy of the employer I applied to. He asked me to reschedule to an earlier time of day, and I did. And I got the results of my manifestation. Anyway, I awakened at 6am and then went back to sleep. I remember dreaming that I was v...

The last few days have been uneventful. I have not had anymore calls for interviews and have not had much in the way of communication from my guides. It has been quiet even in my waking life. My children were with their grandmother for that last two days, leaving me home alone for the duration of both days. I thought I would get good sleep and maybe get a chance to astral. I did get sleep, but astral travel did not happen even though I asked to astral each night before bed. Instead, I had vivid dreams about my past for a couple of nights in a row. Last night's dreams are lost to me, though. I have been keeping in mind something I saw posted on Dr. Wayne Dyer's Facebook page. Dr. Dyer writes and speaks a lot about manifestation and the power of thought. He explains that the most powerful time for manifestation is while we sleep. Unfortunately, when most of us go to bed, we think about what went wrong in our day and end up spending the first half of the night sorting through...

I am still feeling unsettled today. I had hoped a good night's sleep would refresh my outlook, but unfortunately, I awoke not wanting to face the day or another day in my life for that matter. I know it is depressing, but that is how I felt as I opened my eyes on this new day. It didn't help that I had a dream in which I saw Trooper (my dog who I had to put down last July). He was running away from me, as he use to when he was a young dog, and I was frantically trying to get him to come home. In the dream I saw him go and in my mind I imagined him coming home after being lost and getting sick and then dying. I remember saying to someone in my dream, "Why did he have to get sick?" The upset this part of the dream caused me woke me up. I wasn't crying but I was thinking about how awful it was to have to put down my best friend of 12 years. I felt, still feel, like a murderer. I told Steven that I would never own another dog again. So I am sure that my dream so...

I didn't sleep much last night. Before bed I meditated for a while, asking to astral travel as I normally do when I meditate before bed.  When I finished, I was not very tired so I took some Benadryl to help me sleep. For some reason I began thinking "What if's?" What if I get offered the part-time job? I knew I would get a call on Friday to let me know if I got it. I was really concerned that they would offer it to me because I really didn't want it. Not only did I not feel excited about the prospect of the job, but I also felt/feel unprepared.  I kept going over and over in my mind what I would do if I got offered the job. I would most certainly turn it down. However, thinking that did not settle my mind. At around 11pm I must have dozed off because I remember becoming lucid in a dream. I don't remember the dream now, but I do remember hearing the sounds of rain beating down on the house and feeling a woman's hands on my side, encouraging me to turn...

It has been a hectic few days. I spent all day Monday doing errands - taking the kids to a doctor appointment and shopping. Then I got an email asking me to interview for a job an hour's drive from my home. I had been anticipating a phone call for an interview since Steven had warned me with a feeling that there would be more news on Monday, June 10th, so the email was great confirmation. The drive to the interview was long - 1 hour. I had to take a two toll roads and go a route that I was not familiar with. Usually this leaves me feeling anxious the whole trip, but for some reason I remained relatively calm. I even got lost and had turn around, but everything worked out fine. I arrived early for the interview and explored the huge building while I waited. The interview was very informal. I figured it would be. The lady even forgot to bring her interview questions, so just ended up asking me about myself and giving me the opportunity to ask some questions. What I learned abou...

So I took down my website yesterday. I am a bit sad about it now that I have done it. I feel as if I have lost something. I also had an emotional moment after realizing it was gone and wouldn't be back anytime soon. The emotion came from feeling as if I would never have the feeling I use to get when I gave mediumship readings. It is a feeling that is hard to describe. A mixture of amazement, wonder and awe along with the appreciation and satisfaction that comes with helping someone through their problems in life. Using my gifts also made me feel powerful and purposeful.....and needed. To feel needed is a wonderful thing! I have not felt needed for a long time at work (6 years!) and so seldom got to use my spiritual gifts to help except via the few spiritual consultations I was able to give during that time. As I type this tears are welling up and try to hold them back. The finality of everything has me very sad. The path ahead has me frightened of what is to come. Will this new...