Feeling Humbled

So I took down my website yesterday. I am a bit sad about it now that I have done it. I feel as if I have lost something. I also had an emotional moment after realizing it was gone and wouldn't be back anytime soon. The emotion came from feeling as if I would never have the feeling I use to get when I gave mediumship readings. It is a feeling that is hard to describe. A mixture of amazement, wonder and awe along with the appreciation and satisfaction that comes with helping someone through their problems in life. Using my gifts also made me feel powerful and purposeful.....and needed.

To feel needed is a wonderful thing! I have not felt needed for a long time at work (6 years!) and so seldom got to use my spiritual gifts to help except via the few spiritual consultations I was able to give during that time. As I type this tears are welling up and try to hold them back. The finality of everything has me very sad. The path ahead has me frightened of what is to come. Will this new direction in my life bring me happiness? Will I ever feel needed, wanted and appreciated for who I am and what I have to offer? Will I be successful in my new career?

I have my doubts, though Steven assures me all will be good.

The last six years has been very hard for me and has taken its toll. To experience negativity day in and day out and to not feel needed or appreciated over a long period of time depletes one's energy. It is not noticeable right away, but the effects of it can be disastrous. I am surprised I have not fallen ill more often! This year alone I have been sick four times and for longer periods than normal. Usually I get sick once a year, if that. I am certain that if I continue on this way that I will end up with a more severe illness.

Lately I have felt different - not my usual self in many ways. I feel directed in a way I cannot describe and the part of me that usually resists is silent. It is almost as if the other me, my Ego perhaps, has been put in her place. She is still there, just more subdued; like a child finally recognizing the wisdom of her elders after years of ignoring them. There is no fight there anymore. I am sure it will come back - I am pretty defiant and stubborn and can't imagine it will go away so easily - but there is a different feeling with it, a kind of seriousness, but that isn't the right word - purposefulness maybe?

It is a weird feeling and very hard to describe. Maybe this is a result of the merging Steven told me was occurring?

What is odd is that I can see my future pretty clearly. The specifics of it have not really materialized but the feeling of it is there. I can see a paved road ahead of me but cannot see the final destination yet. When I think to myself that I don't know what is next, I hear Steven say, "Yes you do" and I know he is right. I think the feeling comes more from uncertainty. It is a direction I have not gone before in my life. The uncertainty comes from not fully feeling confident that I can travel this path successfully.

A friend of mine told me recently that she has heard her guide her whole life and always does what she is told. When she first told me this I wondered if that was a good thing. I definitely have never done what I was told without questioning it first. But now I think I understand what she meant. She just knows her guide is directing her in the right direction and trusts it. I feel like that is what is happening with me, but I am not accustomed to being so obedient (if that is even the right word) and trusting of the directions I receive. There is a part of me that feels defeated yet also humbled.