That Which You Resist, Persists
It didn't help that I had a dream in which I saw Trooper (my dog who I had to put down last July). He was running away from me, as he use to when he was a young dog, and I was frantically trying to get him to come home. In the dream I saw him go and in my mind I imagined him coming home after being lost and getting sick and then dying. I remember saying to someone in my dream, "Why did he have to get sick?" The upset this part of the dream caused me woke me up. I wasn't crying but I was thinking about how awful it was to have to put down my best friend of 12 years. I felt, still feel, like a murderer. I told Steven that I would never own another dog again.
So I am sure that my dream soiled my mood more than anything this morning. It wasn't long after waking and sorting through the dream in my mind that I was reminded of a feeling I had yesterday. The feeling that all my interviews and job applications would be for naught and that I would end up returning to a negative work environment. Along with these thoughts were thoughts of how going back had some positives. I could work on my LPC certification with ease, I would get a raise in pay, I knew what to expect and there would be a whole new staff to work with and get to know. There also came a thought that the return to that environment would be temporary and that there were still lessons there for me to learn. You can imagine my disappointment to have these thoughts.
When I questioned my reaction to these thoughts, I went through a sort of introspective dialogue with myself. In this dialogue, I must be courageous enough to confront things in my life that I don't want to confront. Typically I don't confront that which I don't want. Thus the phase "what you resist persists" applies because if you cannot/will not confront something, it remains hidden as an "untruth" and thus has power over you. I could not help but notice how my thoughts continue to go back to the "what if" scenarios that I hate to consider might occur.
I am sure my despair was in part because I recognized there was truth to my thoughts and feelings. I have been thinking since May that I would not find a job this summer. It is not that I won't find a job, just that it likely won't be this summer. This thought scares me and so I don't want to even think about it happening. But what if it does? Can I handle going back?
Ultimately I recognize that nothing is forever. I can handle a return to my current job and part of me knows that it won't be for long. Even though I have two more interviews coming up, both are not my ideal position. One I feel I am not qualified for and, even if I do get offered it, I think it would overwhelm me with the management-type duties and responsibilities that go along with it. The other I also do not feel comfortable with; I just don't have any excitement at the idea of working there. As of yet, my ideal job has not presented itself to me. I know from experience that if I take a job that I do not feel comfortable with or do not want so as to avoid another unwanted situation that I will end up with a bad experience. The best bet is to wait for my ideal. It will come if I can be patient and stand firm in my decision.
The waiting is the hardest. The next hardest thing will be going back to a negative work environment. But the alternatives are not good. Quitting is not a good idea at this time. A person is most employable when they are already employed. Plus the other options do not bring a good feeling and I need the income I am getting currently to pay for the 5 LPC certification courses I need and to gain the 3,000 internship hours that come afterward. I have to remember my ultimate goal is freedom - to freely use my spiritual gifts within the more accepted realm of LPC.
It is so easy to lose sight of one's goals.
Strangely, upon taking down my website I had two odd things happen as if to challenge my decision. One was to be invited to interview on a live Blog Talk Radio program. The other was a phone call from someone who wanted a medical intuition reading. For so many years I would have jumped at the opportunity to be interviewed on a radio program! And now, when I get the chance, I hesitate and then decide not to because I feel, "anonymity is my friend" (I feel this came from Steven which is why it is in quotes). The call from the man also shocked me. I have not done phone or in-person readings in six years and now to have a phone call come out of the blue really caught me off guard. I ended up telling him to email me, but I am pretty sure I won't hear from him again. Both incident left me wondering again about the phrase "That which you resist, persists". Was I really putting too much focus on that aspect of my life that it kept it from unfolding? How ironic.
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