Living Life in Between

Since my last post I have lightened up quite a bit. I seem to go through periods of resistance in my life and eventually I end up exhausted from my efforts. Then there is a period of calm and an openness to new things. Yesterday I had an interview. It went well enough, but my feeling was unchanged from what I had perceived prior to accepting the interview: chances are that I will not get offered the job. Rather than fixate on the possible negative results, I decided yesterday to focus on what positives I got out of the interview experience. 1. I got to take a half day off of work. It was very nice to get to be out and about, free of my kids and husband, and just enjoy a beautiful day. 2. I got a big hug from a little girl and listened to her father tell me about his struggles as a single father while I waited to be called in for my interview. I felt blessed to get the hug and feel I helped the father, who thanked me when he left. And 3. I got to practice presenting myself as a co...

Haven't written in some time. I have been sick (again) and just not feeling a desire to write about what is going on. Partly this lack of desire stems from the negativity that surrounds my state of being lately. It was bothering me and I did not want to inundate you all with my negative, ungrateful disposition during a holiday of thanksgiving. Anniversary My husband and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last week. Strangely, I kept thinking it was our 7th. I was absolutely convinced of it. It took my husband telling me that we had only been married 6 years that pulled me out of the delusion. What? How could I get that wrong? For the first time in our marriage I had planned a trip. I got us a luxury hotel room in San Antonio on the River Walk. My husband had never been there; never seen the Alamo or visited any of the attractions. I had been there many times and wanted him to experience it. I thought it would be nice. My mom agreed to watch the kids and everything looked li...

For the second night this week I had a visit from my grandfather. That is his picture on the left. This visit was less lucid than the other one. I dreamed of my grandfather's funeral. My family and I were walking outside along a street lined with shops and stores. My grandfather's funeral was to be held in one of the shops off the street. There was a display window that was blacked out and a door leading into the store. I did not want to go in. I don't like viewing bodies. I saw children's toys near the side in a waiting area and sent my daughter to play. I stayed outside watching my family line up and go inside. I then remembered that my grandfather's body had been cremated and was relieved. I still did not go in. As people began coming out of the building I greeted them and listened to their upset. I did not feel upset, I felt uncomfortable. I hate funerals. I don't recall all that I said to everyone. I remember seeing my Nanny and how frail she looked. ...

This title is part of the lyrics of a song that I felt drawn to yesterday. I listened to it several times before I figured out what it was that was pulling me to listen to it. The song is called Youth by Daughter. It is such a haunting song which is why it pulled me into it. The part "and you caused it" seemed to be a message my guides were hinting at. All this mess that I perceive in my life, it was...IS... created by me . By my thoughts and beliefs, my fears and paranoia about the future. It is all me. I caused it. Scare Yesterday was a scary day overall. The migraine that began my day went away after I had a talk with a coworker who listened and did not reject my considerations about my job. She was in agreement with me, in fact, and helped me see that I was not alone. Knowing this was a big relief to me. I could feel the weight come off my shoulders, if only for a moment. I spoke to my doctor's nurse about my headaches. She did not think it necessitated a vi...

I just sense it. Something is not right with me right now. Last night, after yet another stressful day at work (this time a coworker threatened me), I went home and did my normal exercise routine - fast walking for 30 minutes followed by some light weight lifting. I really, really didn't want to work out. I haven't wanted to for a while now. I just make myself do it because it usually helps me get my mind off things. Well, it did do just that. I decided to do some Yoga stretches afterward just to relax some more. When I finished and got up, I noticed that my vision in my right eye was distorted. It was like there was a pool of water over my eyes and it seemed to move, or creep across my eye when I tried to look around. It made looking at things very difficult. This is a flag to me as it has happened many times before. It is a type of halo and a precursor to a migraine. I went about my normal activities - getting supper ready and preparing to pick up my kids. The halo s...

I had a really rough day yesterday. I thought I had gotten past it that evening when reading my book and preparing for bed, but I guess not. In my book one of the character's died and there was a song sung which tugged at the heart. I couldn't keep back the tears and lost it for a while. I remember thinking to myself how painful it was to feel this way. As I choked on my tears I heard a quiet voice whisper, "It will pass". Believe it or not, this helped me. I recognized the temporariness of the situation, and of all things in life. Eventually, all things do pass away. There are few things permanent. It WILL pass. I had difficulty falling asleep again last night. It is no surprise considering the stressful day I had. Plus, I am reading a book that keeps me very awake and interested. I don't want to put it down. Thinking my book choice is probably not the best for reading before bed. In case you are wondering what book, I am reading The Hunger Games . When I...

When I woke up this morning I understood why I was having so many misgivings about having another child. My dreams didn't seem to fit with my sudden realization, either. I had been dreaming about choosing food and counting macros (carbohydrates, protein, sugar, etc). Strangely, it was one of those nights where I slept so hard that all I recall are bits and pieces of my dreams and an overall feeling of having slept well. My Realization Some background before I give you what I realized. For the past three months, since I became pregnant in fact, my husband and I have been sleeping in separate beds. This arrangement started because I could not get a good night's sleep and had been struggling to sleep for over a week. I needed to sleep to be able to function at work and home and with the added exhaustion of pregnancy the lack of sleep had been making me a very unhappy and irritable person. I found that when my husband slept in another bed that I was able to fall asleep quickl...