Living Life in Between

Seriously tired of crying - in my dreams, when I'm meditating, when I have down time/alone time.......crying in general! I never know what will set me off, either. Sometimes it is beautiful things, sometimes sad things, other times it's memories, and then sometimes I have no idea why I'm crying. If I'm busy, I'm good to go. Stay occupied = no crying. Got it. But the minute I'm alone and unoccupied then my heart grows heavy and I get all sappy and weak-like and usually end up crying either a little or a lot. UGH! Then, lucky me, I get to cry in my dreams!!!!!!!!!! No, it's not an all-the-time thing, thankfully, but it happens enough still that it is bothersome. I'm getting a bit grumpy/angry about it now. Dreams When I woke at 6:15am I had no memory of my dreams and fell back to sleep. When I woke again I was in tears, full-on sobbing, but suddenly had an entire night's worth of dream recall. School dream with burning car - Dreamed I was i...

Still battling a cold but am past the sore throat stage already. Now I'm just dealing with stopped up ears, evening headaches and congestion. Thankfully I've been more stable mentally and emotionally so as to counter the physical setbacks of the cold. In fact, I've felt so stable that I attempted a workout in the gym and passed with flying colors. No panic attack, not even a near-miss. Perhaps the panic/anxiety was just a temporary side-effect of recent integration and/or upgrades? My sleep continues to be deep and uninterrupted but my dreams are slowly becoming more lucid and memorable. Last evening my guidance interrupted my thoughts for the first time in a while. I was contemplating the whole walk-in confusion I went through and the last thing I thought to myself was, "I am not a walk-in, never was." It crossed my mind that if I got that wrong then I likely got many other things wrong about my journey; that none of it has ever been what it appeared to be. ...

I'm still adjusting to the shift that I experienced in early July. It's only been a little over a month but it feels like much longer than that...like I just woke up from a long dream and am trying to account for lost time. The main feeling I am struggling with is a familiar one. I don't know who I am nor do I know what I want to be . It's not an amnesia feeling. No, not a physical memory loss. I have my memory. This feeling is more along the lines of identity confusion. I know who I've been and the experiences I've had in playing all of my past roles. I also know what worked for me and what didn't. But the person I am now, the person I suddenly woke up realizing I was, doesn't know who she is anymore. She's a blank slate. Essentially the feeling comes down to feeling like I've started all over again. I'm not comfortable with all the empty expanse of space in front of me. The blank canvas that is my life stares me down daring me to pain...