Living Life in Between

If you've noticed, I've not been posting much in this blog. I've been attempting to shift back to WP but find myself limited by it. Limited meaning I don't feel safe to post the more mundane and personal aspects of my journey. There is an expectation that goes along with my WP blog, an expectation to post about OBEs, dreams, and the spiritually profound. Anything else is lacking. I mentioned in my WP blog today that there are things that happened on the 10th and 11th that I couldn't write about on there. Well, I will share some of that here now. Whatever "change" the 11/11 portal brought for you, for me it seems to be a full letting go of a particular dream of mine. Giving up is a better word, though. Giving up on a person, really. On 11/11 my FB feed showed a pic I had posted last year. The pic showed my old office telephone with 11/11 and the time 11:11 am. I recalled the horrible pain I was going through at the time and recognized how far I have ...

I'm still adjusting to the shift that I experienced in early July. It's only been a little over a month but it feels like much longer than that...like I just woke up from a long dream and am trying to account for lost time. The main feeling I am struggling with is a familiar one. I don't know who I am nor do I know what I want to be . It's not an amnesia feeling. No, not a physical memory loss. I have my memory. This feeling is more along the lines of identity confusion. I know who I've been and the experiences I've had in playing all of my past roles. I also know what worked for me and what didn't. But the person I am now, the person I suddenly woke up realizing I was, doesn't know who she is anymore. She's a blank slate. Essentially the feeling comes down to feeling like I've started all over again. I'm not comfortable with all the empty expanse of space in front of me. The blank canvas that is my life stares me down daring me to pain...

Yesterday, quite out of the blue, something occurred to me. It was one of those puzzle completions - you know when all the separate pieces that have been received over time come together to finally create the complete picture of Knowing? Yeah, one of those moments. I was NOT looking for it. If anything, I have been protesting any communication from my guidance right now. I don't want them interfering in my decision-making or in any part of my life right now. I am content to be alone spiritually and physically. In fact, I know I need it. No more distractions of the spirit-kind. As a result of my decision, my dreams are typical dreams, the kind where the previous days events are recycled. There have not been any prophetic type dreams, any guide interruptions in dreamtime, any Kundalini craziness and no astral projections. Lucid dreams are also not on my agenda, despite having one by "accident" yesterday morning. When I wake up in the morning I am trying to stop myself...

Trying to figure out what to do with this new beginning has me a bit flustered. I can't think of anything I want to do and am still struggling with depression that won't let up. Life is still not interesting and sleep is really the only place I feel comfortable and at ease. When I get like this I just fill in the time gaps with things that keep me mentally or physically occupied. Usually exercise is one of those thing but now with the panic attacks creating an issue with going to the gym, I am forced to either go running outside in the brutal heat and stay cooped up in the house exercising to YouTube videos. Staying inside is obviously not ideal and doesn't give me the same after workout satisfaction. It is limited and confining in so many ways. Running in this heat is just a bad idea. Even waking early it is too hot and the evenings are the same. Why is Texas so hot? It didn't use to be this hot when I was growing up (did it?). My main focus to fill in the time ga...