Wondering Why
Have you ever had the feeling that life is not real? I have. I feel it almost every day. Maybe it is just a part of being me. Maybe not.
The other night I was looking up at the stars thinking to myself, So we live on Earth which is located in the Milky Way which is just one of hundreds of thousands of other galaxies in the universe and I tried to visualize what that looked like. It was immense. Then I wondered, "What is beyond the universe?" and I went blank. I couldn't visualize it. I couldn't even come close. The only thought I had, and I quickly pushed it away as nonsense, was that outside of the universe was me. Incomprehensible, yet it felt true.
I was instantly reminded of the movie Men in Black, specifically Orion's belt and how on that tiny cat collar existed an itty, bitty universe contained within a ball. Then at the end of the movie the aliens are all playing a game of Marbles with multiple tiny universes, knocking them this way and that, enjoying the fun of it.
I wonder: Is all of this around me, my life, the Earth, the other people here experiencing life with me, is it all just a creation, a game of Marbles? Am I the Creator of it all, like those aliens shooting Marbles with those tiny universes?
I don't know about you, but thoughts like these are the kinds that are likely to drive a person insane. In fact, I have been pushed to the brink of insanity (or at least that is what it felt like) from my constant questioning of things. I have learned to stop before it gets out of hand, telling myself, "Don't go there. This is not for you to know". But I don't believe that. I believe I do know, I just somehow forgot.
Why would I forget something so important? Steven says it is part of the learning experience of being in a body. He tries to explain that upon entry into human form we purposefully come with a "blank slate" so as to experience each moment of our life anew, to experience "surprise" and "unknowns". I believe Steven when he tells me this now. I remember my entry into this life and I indeed went through some kind of process of memory erasure. But it didn't erase my emotion, my anticipation and anxiety at coming into this body. And it didn't erase me. If it didn't erase everything, then that leads one to assume that it is only temporary.
My husband and I are both on a journey to remember. That is one of the many connections we have. His way, however, is quite different than my own. He chooses auditing to find the answers to his questions; to remember that which he has forgotten and regain his mastery of himself. When I met him, my methods of remembering - consulting with my guide, meditating, spontaneous and purposeful past life regression and hypnosis - had led me to a dead end. I hit a block. I tried everything to get past it, but the block always kept me from making much progress. In fact, many times I actually felt like I lost ground and stepped backwards. Very frustrating. I use to think the block was fear, but over time I realized the block had been put there. By me? Maybe. By someone else? Most likely....Now that I think about it, most definitely.
I believe it is the block that leads me into that never ending spiral of questions-answers-more questions-answers-frustration and leads me near the brink of insanity. I think it is suppose to be that way. It is effective. Who is going to purposefully go insane to find the answers to who they are? Not me, that is for sure. I don't like the feeling that comes with even nearing the brink. Not good. I already feel surreal most of the time and losing touch with this reality is not something I want to experience.
But then I can't help but wonder - what is so important as to go to so much trouble to install a block of such magnitude? It nags at me to wonder this. I want to find the answer but I know it is not safe.
Years ago I met a man online (he was from Norway) who had lost touch with reality, or so I thought. He would go on and on about how he was sent to warn humans about the conspiracy that was going on. He said that on the Other Side there was a plot to keep humans from knowing. That it had been going on for millions of years. It was essentially a game and humans were the game pieces and pawns. I was horrified at this idea and questioned him further. He told me that the Council (group of higher beings that help us review our lives when we pass) are part of this conspiracy and very important since they play the role of keeping us in the endless cycle of life. I was shocked by this idea. I have seen my Council and though they make me very nervous, they don't seem threatening. This man told me the Council wants me to be nervous.
I eventually ended contact with the man, labeling him as "insane" and moving on. But I still think about what he told me. What if he is not completely out of his mind? What if....
For now I will leave my thoughts alone and not get stuck in the vicious cycle of endless questioning but never finding a final answer that makes sense. But at the back of my mind I will always wonder, Why?
The other night I was looking up at the stars thinking to myself, So we live on Earth which is located in the Milky Way which is just one of hundreds of thousands of other galaxies in the universe and I tried to visualize what that looked like. It was immense. Then I wondered, "What is beyond the universe?" and I went blank. I couldn't visualize it. I couldn't even come close. The only thought I had, and I quickly pushed it away as nonsense, was that outside of the universe was me. Incomprehensible, yet it felt true.
I was instantly reminded of the movie Men in Black, specifically Orion's belt and how on that tiny cat collar existed an itty, bitty universe contained within a ball. Then at the end of the movie the aliens are all playing a game of Marbles with multiple tiny universes, knocking them this way and that, enjoying the fun of it.
I wonder: Is all of this around me, my life, the Earth, the other people here experiencing life with me, is it all just a creation, a game of Marbles? Am I the Creator of it all, like those aliens shooting Marbles with those tiny universes?
I don't know about you, but thoughts like these are the kinds that are likely to drive a person insane. In fact, I have been pushed to the brink of insanity (or at least that is what it felt like) from my constant questioning of things. I have learned to stop before it gets out of hand, telling myself, "Don't go there. This is not for you to know". But I don't believe that. I believe I do know, I just somehow forgot.
Why would I forget something so important? Steven says it is part of the learning experience of being in a body. He tries to explain that upon entry into human form we purposefully come with a "blank slate" so as to experience each moment of our life anew, to experience "surprise" and "unknowns". I believe Steven when he tells me this now. I remember my entry into this life and I indeed went through some kind of process of memory erasure. But it didn't erase my emotion, my anticipation and anxiety at coming into this body. And it didn't erase me. If it didn't erase everything, then that leads one to assume that it is only temporary.
My husband and I are both on a journey to remember. That is one of the many connections we have. His way, however, is quite different than my own. He chooses auditing to find the answers to his questions; to remember that which he has forgotten and regain his mastery of himself. When I met him, my methods of remembering - consulting with my guide, meditating, spontaneous and purposeful past life regression and hypnosis - had led me to a dead end. I hit a block. I tried everything to get past it, but the block always kept me from making much progress. In fact, many times I actually felt like I lost ground and stepped backwards. Very frustrating. I use to think the block was fear, but over time I realized the block had been put there. By me? Maybe. By someone else? Most likely....Now that I think about it, most definitely.
I believe it is the block that leads me into that never ending spiral of questions-answers-more questions-answers-frustration and leads me near the brink of insanity. I think it is suppose to be that way. It is effective. Who is going to purposefully go insane to find the answers to who they are? Not me, that is for sure. I don't like the feeling that comes with even nearing the brink. Not good. I already feel surreal most of the time and losing touch with this reality is not something I want to experience.
But then I can't help but wonder - what is so important as to go to so much trouble to install a block of such magnitude? It nags at me to wonder this. I want to find the answer but I know it is not safe.
Years ago I met a man online (he was from Norway) who had lost touch with reality, or so I thought. He would go on and on about how he was sent to warn humans about the conspiracy that was going on. He said that on the Other Side there was a plot to keep humans from knowing. That it had been going on for millions of years. It was essentially a game and humans were the game pieces and pawns. I was horrified at this idea and questioned him further. He told me that the Council (group of higher beings that help us review our lives when we pass) are part of this conspiracy and very important since they play the role of keeping us in the endless cycle of life. I was shocked by this idea. I have seen my Council and though they make me very nervous, they don't seem threatening. This man told me the Council wants me to be nervous.
I eventually ended contact with the man, labeling him as "insane" and moving on. But I still think about what he told me. What if he is not completely out of his mind? What if....
For now I will leave my thoughts alone and not get stuck in the vicious cycle of endless questioning but never finding a final answer that makes sense. But at the back of my mind I will always wonder, Why?
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