Just A Chance
I ran into a coworker within a few minutes of arriving at work. His face was all lit up and he was very excited to tell me the news. He had an interview for a position I also applied for and he has high hopes of getting it. He probably will. He wants out of here as much as I do but he is doubly qualified and he is male. That seems to be the winner from what I can tell, at least where I work.
The sad thing is that I never even got a call for an interview for that position. I didn't even know they had called the other applicants for interviews yet. It really hit me hard. I congratulated him and wished him luck but as I walked away I was really discouraged. What am I doing wrong? Am I so horrible that no one wants to even give me a chance?
Just moments later another coworker approached me asking me about my last interview from two weeks ago. I just told her outright, "Of course I didn't get it". She is one of those"think positive" people and she immediately said, "Don't say that" and told me how it took her over 200 applications to get her last job. Yeah, but how many interviews? I have had more than I can count now. That is very unusual for me. In the past I have had one maybe two interviews before getting a job. Not this many. I want to say I have had at least 10 and no more than 15 now. Wow. That is a lot of failure.
I know that my lack of success is due to circumstances beyond my control for the most part. I know that I have been told by my guides that there is a reason behind this delay. I have thought about it and I am willing to take that chance. I am willing to drive longer distances while pregnant. I can handle that. I am willing to take on additional stress. I can handle it. Besides, it is not like this job is not stressful. I would rather have positive stress than negative stress, you know? I am even willing to take a pay cut, though I doubt I will have to. At this point I am willing to not have a job if I can just figure out how to get the numbers to work right so that we can live off my husband's paycheck alone.
Thankfully Christmas break is just a few days away and my husband will be off for the same amount of time as I will. I have scheduled auditing to start the day after Christmas. Hopefully some clarity will come with it and maybe, just maybe things will begin to make a bit more sense.
Comparisons
In other news...lol...the drama of my sister's life continues to impact me, though not as much.
My sister and her new husband (our cousin) are still living in my grandmother's spare house. My cousin is still unemployed (of his own fault) and my sister still only works part time making $10/hr. She chooses to continue to apply for jobs that pay what she use to make before she got two felonies on her record. She is hoping they will give her a chance, but she also completely ignores the other full-time jobs she could get if she would just apply. They are "beneath" her. So she continues to stagnate. My cousin usually burns bridges with his anger issues. He cussed out a customer this time and lost his job. Now he has no bridges left and keeps running into dead ends. I am sure his references are not very good.
My grandmother had given them until November 1st to move out. They didn't even attempt to find another place to live. They knew if they guilt-tripped her she would let them stay longer. And she did. Now she gave them until January 1st. They are still not looking for a place. They say, "We can't afford anywhere else" and leave it at that. My grandmother will likely give in again. Until they are forced to find work (any work) they won't. They will continue to stay where they know they will be allowed to miss rent and freeload.
My grandmother even gave them both $500 (half of what she was going to give them) for Christmas. She hoped they would use it wisely - save for a place so they could move or at least save for future rent. What did they do? They went on a shopping spree buying Christmas presents for my cousin's kids and things for themselves (movies, eating out, cigarettes, etc). My mom gave my sister the title to the car she bought for her because she was worried the unpaid toll tickets and other tickets would come back on her. My sister said she would still pay for it, but even though she got $500 from my grandmother, she did not pay the measly $100 car bill. So, the whole family is beyond frustrated with them both. They are children in 40-yr-old bodies. They will stay that way until some tough love is dished out but my Mom and grandmother don't want to dish it.
My other cousin (she lives very close to my sister/cousin and my grandmother) called me last night and we talked for a while. We both are confused by what has happened to my sister. Why is she making such stupid choices? Is she stupid? Or is she scared? Or is she selfish? What is it?
My cousin concluded that she is just stupid. I don't think she is stupid, or at least not stupid as in uneducated. She has some issues with common sense, that is for sure. She always has. I honestly think her problem stems from both fear and from selfishness. Her actions scream both of those things to me. So have her words.
This morning the conversation my cousin and I had was still with me. I thought some on it and I wondered about my sister's predicament and how she was stuck by her own thoughts and beliefs. Then I wondered about myself. Am I so different? Though I am definitely in a much better place than my sister, I also feel stuck. I also have been acting selfishly. What am I doing that is holding me back, keeping me at a standstill. What am I thinking and how am I responding to life?
Honestly, right now I feel like God is against me. I know it doesn't work that way, but I feel as if I am being held back purposefully and it is very frustrating and annoying. I also feel I don't deserve more than I have. This belief that I am not good enough is sabotaging my progress in life. How do I get rid of it? I have a feeling the auditing I am about to do will help.
Many people feel not good enough. This comes from both invalidation from those they love and from years and years of doing things that hurt other people, thus leaving them with a feeling of "I am bad" or "I don't deserve good things". I think we all have these beliefs about ourselves in some way, shape or form. I know I do. Hopefully I can rid myself of some of this next week.
Putting Two and Two Together
Perhaps the issue with me not getting a job is not about them giving me a chance but about me giving me a chance. Or perhaps it is about simply being ready. Maybe I am not ready yet. I definitely feel selfish and uncaring of others lately. I am "hateful" according to my husband. This is not how a good counselor presents themselves. They are genuine, caring and sympathetic. Me? Lately (at work) I am fake, irritated and callous. Until I can find the counselor inside me, I doubt I will be very attractive to prospective employers.
I also feel that until I stop fixating on wanting to be away from my current job, that I will continue to feel forced into it. That which we resist, persists. I am definitely resisting this job. I don't try to build relationships. I don't come to work with a smile. I think every day how I want to be somewhere else. So, either I do exactly that and go somewhere else or I start being happy where I am.
I have tried to be content where I am. It works for a while and then it backfires on me. Something negative happens and I want to run away. And I can't help but think about how I am wasting all the hard work I put into my degree. My degree equaled freedom and opportunity to me. It is hard to swallow the disappointment of realizing it amounted to nothing.
But I can't control everything. In fact, I think I am deluding myself to think I control most of what I think I do.
That is why I am still considering the option of just resigning and not looking for work anymore. Just being at home for a while and taking care of my family. It isn't very appealing to me on one hand, but on the other to even consider it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. Perhaps everything will fall into place and I will get everything I want? That is what usually happens if I am just patient.
My guide reminds me, "You are good at life" and also I remember hearing him say, "You will get what you ask for". He has never been wrong about the latter statement. I am still not sure about the first.
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