Filling in the Gaps

Trying to figure out what to do with this new beginning has me a bit flustered. I can't think of anything I want to do and am still struggling with depression that won't let up. Life is still not interesting and sleep is really the only place I feel comfortable and at ease. When I get like this I just fill in the time gaps with things that keep me mentally or physically occupied. Usually exercise is one of those thing but now with the panic attacks creating an issue with going to the gym, I am forced to either go running outside in the brutal heat and stay cooped up in the house exercising to YouTube videos. Staying inside is obviously not ideal and doesn't give me the same after workout satisfaction. It is limited and confining in so many ways. Running in this heat is just a bad idea. Even waking early it is too hot and the evenings are the same. Why is Texas so hot? It didn't use to be this hot when I was growing up (did it?).

My main focus to fill in the time gaps is to somehow plan the installation of an in-ground pool in our back yard. Swimming would be the ideal exercise in this heat and would also keep my three children super occupied well into October (yeah its hot that long). Usually we visit my mom and swim there but with my sister and her family there I have been avoiding it like the plague. Considering a visit, though, despite the negativity but then I am scared I will have a panic attack on the drive (I know, wtf?). But getting a pool is actually feasible. My husband is now making HUGE bonuses every three months and despite the debt we currently have I know by the end of the year we won't have it anymore based upon how well he has been doing this year. It would take just one nice bonus and we could pay for a pool installation in cash. This next one would do it but it is already designated to pay off a credit card, but we could easily get a loan and get a pool, too. Just considering it brings me excitement. I grew up with pool from my youngest years through my teens and miss having the convenience of one in my back yard. I never had to maintain it, though, and I know how much work it is. My mom likes taking care of her pool, though, so who knows it may be a nice routine to have. If we get a pool it will be a fiberglass model, not a concrete one, because they last longer and withstand algae. Here in Texas the algae is awful and the expense of resurfacing an entire pool is not one I want to deal with. My mom just had to resurface hers and it was just 20 years old. A fiberglass pool will outlast that by decades. The pool would also not be super large or deep. It just isn't necessary. My mom's is gigantic and slopes to 8ft deep. It makes it hard to play water volleyball and really isn't the best for adult social gatherings. As a teen I enjoyed it but really that depth wasn't necessary. A 5.5ft or 6ft pool is adequate. We also don't have space for an enormous pool.

So far my husband has been open to the idea. He wants to install it himself, which is ideal for the fiberglass kind anyway. I have no doubt he can do it and if he does it cuts the cost substantially. It could be a really fun project for this Fall when the weather is a bit cooler.

With the pool planning, exercise schedule and weekend processing I still have the weekday to fill up with something productive. My kids are home and on the computer way too much but I just can't get myself motivated to take all three somewhere for the day. Most of what they want to do is outside and confronting that is tough. I would have to manage them alone and plan for an outing in the intense heat (it's been 100 degrees lately). Just makes me want to stay in bed thinking about it. One option is paying for a day camp but that can get expensive and then my littlest is not old enough. It may be the best option, though, and I am seriously considering it. They did an art camp earlier in the summer and enjoyed it so I know it is a good plan. However, it doesn't resolve my boredom or fill my time.

My oracle deck is still an option to fill my time and occupy my mind but I am not feeling a draw to do any work on it. It feels like a lie now, like all of that artwork and inspiration was not me but an alternate version. My SIL offered to help me with editing and formatting it. She has training in graphic design and seems really excited about helping me. Problem is, I have to finish the guidebook and well I could care less about it now. It just feels like I am done with that whole cycle and like it's time to put the cards in a drawer and put it all behind me.

So what to do? Go back to school? Get a part-time job and hire a babysitter? Find some friends to hang out with and pretend I give a rat's ass about their mundane conversations about babies and recipes? All of the above makes me feel deflated more than I am already do, especially the last one. lol Other SAHMs hang out with each other for play dates and mommy time but honestly I have hung out with mom's and all they want to talk about is their kids and rant and rave about their problems. I usually just sit and listen and can't wait until it's over. I am the same at work when coworkers want to jabber. I would rather be alone than deal with other people. Does that make me so horrible? IDK but I have always been that way. I just don't care about that stuff. But then I don't care about it in my own life either. Pretending has worked in the past but it feels so fake and like I am buying into the whole Earth theatrical presentation going on all around me.

One option is to get more involved in the processing I am starting and go in every weeknight and eventually extend it to days once school stars. It will keep me busy and there will be little to no torture of lame-ass conversations. It is mostly study and focus on me, which I excel in. It sounds kinda self-centered but then that is why I came to Earth this time anyway - to work on me. So maybe eventually, when I get this panic issue under control, I will do that. Time will pass faster that way.

I am realizing just how empty and disconnected my life is and has been for a long time. I have asked myself if this is something I want to change. Very seldom do I come up with a "yes". Friendships in real-time are too much work, at least that has been my experience. There are so many expectations and I just don't have the desire to live up to them. Women friends are the worst, too. I just can't handle their drama and very rarely have I found a female friend I can trust. In the past, female friends wanted to go to a bar, stuff themselves with fattening food and get drunk while they talked about how nice it would be to be single again. lol Men friends are awesome and if I were single I would have several. We would hang out, drink a little, smoke a little, play a little guitar and sing and just enjoy ourselves. Problem is they have expectations of me, too - those of the sexual kind. Plus, since I'm married male friends are automatically suspected by my husband. So where does that leave me? Right where I'm at. Alone. Disconnected. Socially awkward.

The solution could be that I change my mind about all of these social issues and just play the game. This is my husband's solution. He says, "Be interested in other people. Listen and just enjoy their company." He is the total opposite of me. He genuinely wants to talk to others and learn about them. I read people's energies and get all the info I want. I see that as way less time consuming! When I do talk to someone I sense when what they say is not in alignment with their energy and it puts me off. This is 99% of the time, too. So much pretense. :(

Perhaps that is just who I am and I need to learn to live with it. Problem is I crave the company of others outside of my family. But I crave a specific type of person, someone whose words/intention match their energy. Someone who wants to talk about more interesting topics and who I can be close to without worrying they will want sex. Someone who doesn't feel the need to yap but will communicate something from their heart. I want it to be REAL. Why is this so hard to find?

Sometimes I really just hate Earth (the human social/cultural aspect anyway).

Dream

Interestingly I had a dream this morning that was quite lucid after over a week (two?) of very little dream recall. In this dream I was talking to a man who I obviously knew and he was showing me a forum post he had made. I read through it with him. He was sharing his story, talking about his current wife, her cancer and upcoming surgery. He said that once she had the reconstructive breast surgery he planned to leave her. He wanted to support her through it but he was not in love with her anymore. Then he was talking about me and his plans to be with me. The dream gets fuzzy here but his story felt like my story and the next thing I knew I was touching him, wrapping my arms around him and running my fingers up and down his back. What I did to him I could feel on my own body. It was very real and quite pleasant. I could feel the tingly sensation up and down my back, the warmth of another body and a strong attraction. My lucidity kept peaking and waking me up throughout the dream but I kept returning to it because it was so nice.

Eventually the man disappeared and I saw a brunette standing up against a wall. She was completely naked and I knew she was the wife who had breast cancer. I went up to her and said something but I can't recall what I said. Then we kissed and it was so real it woke me up.

Then I remember having a conversation with someone and telling them, "It's been 400 years since we've been together." I have no idea what that even means.

I'm not going to analyze the dream. I know it was just me wanting to feel connected again.

The dream brought up the main issue I am unable to resolve. Maybe processing will resolve it? Anyway, the issue is linked to the Kundalini energy and all that resulted from it. Specifically, the amazing heart connection and opening that has left me with the issue of somehow having to live life knowing such connections exist. Now nothing in my life even comes close and I feel empty and even more devoid of interest in living. I am trying to put the whole experience behind me but it has left me scarred. I mostly wish now that I had never experienced it. I see around me a world that is not ready for such openness, such connection, and I see myself trapped in it knowing the potential for such connections hide in everyone around me and knowing it will likely never be recognized.

I understand that I have to just continue to live my life despite this uncomfortable, in-my-face Knowing. Really nothing has changed except I know what I previously did not consciously know but felt all along. I understand now why I am like I am. Why I don't fit in. Before the heart connection I felt this way and now, after, I still feel this way only it is a more doomed feeling. It says, "Do what you came to do and don't think about it so much." Hahaha Yeah, right. There is a reason we Forget when we come to Earth. This is a painful, disconnected place to be. I should not have to remember what it feels like to be whole and connected. It is making my life HELL. I am praying to FORGET again but it isn't happening. I am cursed with Remembering.

The above pain I live day to day is what is causing the panic attacks, or at least partially. I know I need help resolving this whole mess. That is why I am shifting to this path because nothing else has worked. I have too many questions and can't find answers. Nothing has worked. That means the answer lies somewhere else. I need to find it.